Discourse on Emotion Pt. I

Discourse on Emotion Pt. I

Happiness, love, &lack thereof both.

Is the human heart trained to succumb to weaker emotions? Trained to love these weaker emotions when the emotions of strength seem so distant? There are times when depression itself, that loathsome feeling of intense loneliness and lung-crushing despair, becomes sweet and suddenly tender. It's that same feeling when a close companion, perhaps a dog of some sort, dies by your side. That faint rush of emotions of memories spent with someone, or something that will leave with nothing but its spirit leaving behind all possessions and memories, spent with you. A bittersweet feeling? Depression is similar to a trench when one first ventures along its edges, a treacherous path of only remorse and pain, but slowly, slowly, as one falls into the trench, as fleeting emotions of joy and happiness become more and more distant, the darkness  sings to you and melancholy becomes an able companion. Perhaps not the greatest one, but something or someone to keep one company nevertheless. It's only company we want, is it not? The reassurance that someone or even something has attention to give? To you? Sometimes, we make this something up; and more times than not, times I call this friend depression. Another familiar name is Toska (thanks Candace, thanks Vladmir Nobokov).

But looking back at all the times I spent alone, I am reminded of how scared and foolish I was. Depression is not what we want. Letting yourself delve deeper and deeper into its hole is easy, easier than finding actual companions and people to talk to. The vague mirage of sweetness… It's a lie. True joy comes through others. Spending too much time alone is unhealthy. Too much time to think… even that in itself can be unhealthy. But why? I honestly don't understand why thinking, simply thinking alone, creates this pitfall of emotions. But knowing this makes it so obvious why solitude is torture, and why exclusion is detrimental to human health. Happiness, it never comes alone, it always comes with companions.

It was actually my second nature to be melancholy. This was because I slept during the day, and during the night, I spent most of my time alone, in my room. Lonely. More often than not, although it was not such an obvious feeling, the loneliness began to haunt me. The empty walls became slates of confinement, and the suffocating glare of the computer screen kept me awake, and I drowned in my self made prison, a nocturnal mind Singsing. How can one find love in that state? It becomes harder and harder to find appreciation for the things we are thankful for. And in turn, it becomes easier to spite and slander those around us.

But not with people around us. Sometimes, its because we forget about our worries, or because we have somebody to share these worries with. It's a basic necessity and definitely not one to be taken lightly. With companions these burdens of emotions seems to feel lighter because somehow, the attention we receive from them and the attention we give to them creates a sanctuary for our minds. Because for me at least, deep deep down, it was attention I wanted, love that I longed for. But for some reason, I neglected the people that were right in front of me. Yes, they were there, and I was a fool to think I was alone. I guess I can talk about it now because I feel pretty good about myself, maybe sometimes dipping into a minor ditch, but I'm good.

This is my I'm thankful for my friends and family.


And yes, there's no joy without the pain, and no truth without the shame. This I know. I can feel the joy only because I felt the pain... But sometimes I'm scared for that day. What if I find that
and
the joy is


that's the thing. Do I want to be a ghost? Love by no one except the wind, or something more.. Sometimes, its strange because my heart draws me towards one side, and I become unsure of myself.