I have

I have

nothing meaningful to say.
It's that feeling when you feel yourself being eaten away by your material self
it's draining

that's why I'm recycling old shit
but don't we all? our feelings, our thoughts?

We're supposed to live these meaningful lives, to live out our illusion of grandeur
but is that only because we can't see the pain behind it?
it's okay, I think its a sacrifice needed. Happiness is plentiful up there, finding it down here is a bit shortsighted. Nothing really lasts. I find it more romantic to chase after those dreams rather than stability.

Romantic. That's right, life should be romantic. Those little implication should mean the world, and everything everywhere should beg for an interpretation of meaning. Like the rose. ._.,

But its just a rose right? Those little actions.. They don't really mean what I think they do, or want it to, right? Eat, live, sleep, basic necessities, yeah let's study math because that's what I'm good at. Make money, marry, have kids. That went a little too far.

See, that's what life is. It's ALL in your mind. That grandeur that you imagine? It's real. Know why? Because you think its real. That pragmatic shit in your head? It's real. Know why? Because you think it is. This post is like the sparknotes for the post like two posts below. ._., recycle recycle..

The only meaning that exists is the one we create. That's why life becomes more meaningful through the details that we interact with an connect. That's why life, it's more than memories, or just remembering what fun we had, its the short bursts of feeling that we long for. The constant change and dynamics of the human heart. Ups and downs... Because the downs are what heighten the experience of the ups. Isn't that why third world countries are so much easier for missionaries? The beauty of God strikes in the mind of those who have nothing. But us middle class fuckin americans, we don't need shit. I have a laptop in front of me that could probably feed a kid till he's eighteen. But what am I doing instead? I'm fuckin writing useless shit because I'm fuckin lonely on the inside. Right now I guess.

And I think that's the basis of that ambition to succeed. Loneliness. The basis for a lot of things actually. That need for God? That want for attention? Loneliness.. I guess another way to describe it is lack of love. But the funny thing is, I've been loved a lot. Loved by friends, by family, and even God. But I suppose the problem comes through two parts: one, I can't always see that love, and two, love can only be felt through action. So even if the action is given, like how God's love is everywhere, if I can't perceive that notion of love, it's not love to me and thus no love found. So I suppose the basis to succeed is love. It's always love.

Many people have a twisted conception of love, as if its physical, or that it's everywhere. No, if love was everywhere, it wouldn't be love anymore to the people that it's around. Know why? Because we become numb to it. Just like how we can't feel the love given to us by our friends and family, because it's taken for granted. So instead, we resort to fucking saying "i love you" more and more to give some kind of impact so that it can actually mean something, or we have sex, or we cheat on each other because we don't feel enough love. Fuckin fools of love, caught under the trap, the fuckin pretense that we deserve some kind of special treatment or attention to see ourselves as "loved".

That's why God's love is so beautiful. Look at the true believers view on life. Everything is so fuckin beautiful. It may not be beautiful to other people, but it's beautiful to them because, again, the perception that exists is the perception created. It's because they become to sensitive and thankful, because they realize what they don't have and what they have and how much of what they have. The rush of details and the sudden dramatic shift in viewpoint changes everything.

But where can I find that? Right? Because as far as I can tell, it's more than just effort to try and force your personality into a direction that it's not natural to turn. Where? God? You have that power right? To override that fundamental sense of balance that has become engrained in me? So that I can become a better person than I actually am?

I hope so. Hah, what did this turn into... so ramble... i dont even know if it made sense because I dont think i was even thinking

unconfident? to think that there are better people out there.
that's wrong because on some deep deep level, we are all the same, equal in our balance, but unique in the way that our attributes shine. Thus we can always be confident in ourselves and let those attributes that we have, those few traits that we are proud of, truly shine.


yeah.. here's the conclusion.
i feel like deep down, all i want is a bit of attention. is that shallow? to be loved
but i suppose then again, its my job to be able to see that