Another Ramble

Another Ramble

I guess there comes a point where you just let it be. Is this what acceptance is? It's a sad feeling. I confuse myself so often... It's like the more I try to do something, the more and more ambiguous my personality becomes and more prone to lying to myself and deceiving others. I don't remember lying to people becoming so easy. I hate it. I think the reason that I hate couples is that I feel that they are mocking exact thing that I want. But it's like Pavlov, I just learned to hate it, cause that shit would make me cringe. Cute couple? fuck cute couples... I would walk around in korea and think why these kids need that sort of attention. Its as if the term boyfriend or girlfriend suddenly gives them some kind of pass to let them express their emotions so easily. But there's beauty in not being able to express your emotions fully. It makes life a bit more romantic I suppose. What am I supposed to do when half my thoughts contradict each other??? I don't understand?!

But even this feeling feels okay. It's a bit sad, but it's not like I ever considered being sad a bad thing. People.. I look out at the city and think, how can anybody be alone in this crowd of people? I think I answered myself. Even if there are people always around me, its like I self seclude myself and pin myself in this pitiful position. Is it selfish? It's stupid, but I feel like I'm running away from myself sometimes. It reminds me of how I used to be long ago. But I'm thinking... why do people become sad or lonely? My mind is filled with minor keys.

Loneliness is attached very closely to not being able to express your feelings to those closest to you. Like not being able to say "I love you" to your parents. Fragments of this distortion can be seen in the way some people use the word like it was nothing. Actually no its not. I don't even care anymore.. Like some of the effort that I used to put into the things I used to do are suddently gone, and now I realize what kinda of effort I actually have been putting it.

Once again, I don't know. Honestly I don't know the stems behind most of the feelings I feel whether its anger, pride, sadness or happiness. This is making less and less sense.

Is it wrong if I throw everything away for greatness? What is greatness anyways... Rambling on about things that don't really matter. This shit isn't even catharsis anymore because I have nothing I particularly want to say because one second I feel one way, and another second I have this ambiguous empty feeling. Mood swings? I definitely know I'm not bipolar, I just have a big gap I think.

Fuck I don't want to post this.

But I will.

Truthfully... I just want to rap. I think that's really the problem behind every single fuckin thing I do is because I'm not rapping. Fuck, what is this horrible attachment to desire?? i feel like im grounded to the fuckin cieling and I cant let anything go besides this desire to rap. but not even rap but to be good at it and be famous and everything that I ever wanted living the life whatever it takes. im so sad i dont know.


Once again, this post has clumped itself upon the orphans of letters unclaimed by me, a dump of depression. -.- That's what you are bloggie, sorry.