don't do

don't do

People don't do what they want to do, they just usually end up doing what they end up doing.

In a relatively short time, I've experienced a lot, to say the very least. I've been fortunate enough to have been presented with a number of options for what do with my future. I've always been aware that 'life is difficult', but my tiny interpretation of that idea is a little less tiny now. Life is daunting.

I think people are like birds in a bird eat bird world. There are many that choose to live inside cages so that they do not get eaten by the bigger birds outside.

Not making choices makes life easier to deal with. Just letting things come as they go and accepting opportunities at face value is comforting. School, for example, is not daunting (relatively speaking, not to downplay it's role). It is a set path which has defined guidelines for the typical student to follow: HS, College, Choosing A Major, Completing Bachelor's, Master's (optional depending on field), Salary, Raise Work Vacation Repeat. Neither is inheriting a family business. Needless to say, of course there are certain traumas that may come attached within that defined parameter, but as I said, those guidelines and restrictions eliminate much of the fear/apprehension typically felt during the process. Many times, from what I've noticed, it comes at the cost of foregoing the question "Why am I doing what I am doing?".

These are limitations placed upon oneself. However, these limitations are actually quite wide, and I use that word quite loosely in a neutral manner because within that parameter, much can be done. Great and difficult accomplishments. But what I'm talking about is fear, because I think that a difficulty greater and more challenging than obstacles and overcoming challenges is the fear of truly not knowing what the fuck is going to happen. I mean this statement in a very literal fashion: to really have no idea because the boundaries/parameters/limitations of what could happen do not exist.

This fear, coupled with excitement is a path not many treaded, but for those who have, it is a both a rewarding and terrible path. It is the path of almost all celebrated people, in some way or fashion, perhaps the limitations were not college and school but rather following the popes orders, or not challenging the status quo.

As I learn more and more about the world around me and myself, I understand that there are many things of the trending mindsets of which I do not fuck with. "People don't do what they want to do, they just usually end up doing what they end up doing" is such an example. It is a true statement, but so is "Do what you want to do,"; it simply depends on who is saying it. The current status quo of how to make a living in life is another such example. People overstating the value of risk in presentation circumstances or simply giving it lip service, but not giving it value in real world circumstances is another.

And I understand these things, I understand more clearly why the number of people that want to change the world gets smaller and smaller as people become older and older. Insecurities become deeper imbedded under layer of neglect and neurosis. As this happens, our joints and mental reflexes become rusted with daily comforts. "Simple joys" take the place of greater and more meaningful joy found within progress and learning, when in fact, both should be cherished.

I am going to change the world. I am going to take the baton of the greats of past generations and propel the human race forward. This is a choice, but seeing my nature, it's not even really a choice whether or not I can think it.

I'm 20, don't have to work, and am healthy. I can do whatever pleases me, really. I can do whatever I want as there are no limitations. The only 'limitations' present are those which restrict the universe: time and nature. My will, this could be a limitation, but it could also be what sets me free. Fear or courage as well.

Shallow self discovery leads to people finding themselves within their insecurities.

reflections

reflections

When I went to high school, when I was a more cynical and pathetic character, I was more artistically dark. And although back then my mind was locked upon itself in a incessant spiral of self-loathing and pity, my artist felt more alive. I almost feel as if because I've become more understanding and deeply aware of how to stabilize my emotive-creature-mind, I've become less in tune with my art. These days, I can see that the colors of my mind are too defined and resolved. And consequently, I don't know how to let myself into the darkness of passion.

The clockworks turn within my mind, and each reasonable mystery eventually finds itself a compatible answer, and if not then it lays on a backburner, perhaps to be answered later, perhaps never. But I can't handle it anymore! The mind is not a clockwork, the soul is not a framework for labor, and the natural state of existence is not calm. In vain I dragged myself across the ragged and barren fields of self-betterment, only to find that it is a sterile and uncharismatic plain on the other side. The natural state of the universe is entropy and there should be no going back.

We are supposed to be mad and insatiable on the inside. My soul is a beast whom loathes tameness. But instead, we drift along, like listless molds of vulnerability looking up at the more charistmatic-than-us, the more beautiful-than-us, and the more-alive-us, wondering how the time has passed so ungraciously to our favor and our sagging souls flop around like fish on the pier, caught by a fisherman of fear and death and lies.

Everyday we breed the emotions we feel with the ideas we combat them with. And I speak for many of us when I say that the inbred docile dog of a conscience which had birthed is better put down than to writhe in its pathetic misery state.

Do you know limbo? It's a catholic sentiment, somewhere somewhat neutral between heaven and hell that signifies neither saved or damned. Where the idiots and unborn children go. Life should be the opposite of limbo. Maybe snapchat exists in limbo. Why do I feel like I'm constantly damning myself to a dreary placement in the spectrum of a should-be-colorful life?

To be honest, I don't, I just wanted to convey the emotion. It's better to be a colorful lunatic than grayscale photocopy of a photocopied idea. Come on fucking live you piece of boring drab! Let go you're already pathetic self esteem and stop caring so much about the misplaced judgment of men and women who will never care about you the way your should care about yourself. You fucking prick, you can look to God, but your existence is a mockery of free will, and in fact the most humiliating part about it is that you probably would've ate the apple too.

Wake up from your delude conception of "what matters" and "your goals" and embrace the madness of the soul, and liberty of nature and feel what it means to be alive again. Being alive and feeling like you want to die has greater kinship and understanding of each other than any neutral mockery in between.

*          *          *

Sleep fell over him like a docile creature, bred to domesticity after countless nights of inbred captivity. Daybreak is no longer a mystery to him. He longs for the moment day and night no longer will uphold their cordial reconciliation. Perhaps his lines will extend a ink stroke further, perhaps his mind will wander one eternal step closer to the creation of art. But he is a chain to his words, and time is no longer at his shackles.

Daybreak falls like the morning star, with each step he lapses deeper into the darkness, closer to the light that awaits, and dawn becomes an illusion. -3.20.2011