champagne

champagne

At some point, it becomes not about the people you hang out with, not even who you know, not even the people that you known the longest, or eat dinner with, but it becomes about the people you trust, and only the people you trust. Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends.

new feelings

new feelings

I experienced couple new feelings in the past couple days.

First off, an out of body experience. My gosh darn. I don't know what to say, sometimes I feel like I am going insane. Lucid dreaming and such... I can sense the potential dangers. Secondly, I felt the most potent rush of joy and hatred at the same time when I received a diss track. I felt this... adrenaline of upmost happiness and irrepressible tension. I seem to be attracting much hate these days from ignorant and lowly fools. Misunderstandings and low levels of intelligence or effort to understand do not seem to go well with each other. But I endorse the hatred, because it makes me feel. I feel alive when I have something to lash out and utterly humiliate and disfigure. I wish you motherfuckers would know this! Behind this handsome face of mine, there lies a demon waiting for somebody to wrong me.. So I can eat flesh and devour my enemies. Just kidding lol. But really.. Some people.. So ignorant, assuming and blatantly stupid, it appalls me. And I do often daydream of what would happen in the most extreme circumstances and some parts of me want them happen, just to see if I am a 'man of my principle'. I.e. if and only if I was to get [this part of the blog has been deleted for various reasons]

Wait. I should stop. Maybe I am portraying myself as a psychopath or something. Other people probably think of these things too, I mean, but as long as something absolutely detrimental doesn't happen then all is good, no? Conclusion: psychopath under only certain and only certain times when absolutely necessary to guard ones principle and friends.

There are so many things I want to rant and talk about... So many. But I'm too lazy. Also I think I have some minor trust issues or something like that something.

MAKE HIM STOP MOVING STOPSTOPSTOP

Devil's Guessing Game aka cool title

Devil's Guessing Game aka cool title

Playing Devil's Advocate against those I care (or think I care) about.

1. This friend I adore, but find it increasingly difficult to communicate. Has this person lost interest in me? He/she is one of the few people I can be on level terms with, and although our ideals may be different, the depth of thought in each of our bubbles is equal. I feel more or less irrelevant to this person, although I value him/her greatly. He/she seems to have found greater priorities in life. It saddens me, but I can move on with little or no effort.
2. This friend is a solid companion. Although certain qualities of his personality give out a backlash against a desired humility, this friend is loyal. We are extremely similar. However, we do not point out each others mistakes, and often times in our isolation we find ourselves unaware of the present situation. Such is dangerous. Often I question our future paths. We waste a lot of time with stupid things and our principles change as we learn more of the world and what it offers. A lifelong friend, someone that I will not ever be able to find elsewhere. We are totally, unbelievably, strangely compatible.
3. This friend is also solid, however I believe this friend takes our friendship for granted at times. The underlying respect and loyalty for each other has waned through the years and is covered up by a negligence, and often times disregard for the other party's opinion. Perhaps this is simply the way that we talk to each other. We seem to differ most on the most superficial issues, but on the deeper currents of thought, we are able to concur. His/her "rationality" is self centered and many times cops out by making excuses to rationalize. I would consider this friend to be a lifelong companion regardless of future circumstances. We are well knowledgable of each other, and each other's faults and thus are able to maintain a healthy relationship. I have yet to find another friend like this.
4. I believe this friend, as different as we are, can find matching points only in our mutual friends. We may laugh together and such, but deep connection is difficult to be shared with such shallow of an individual. Although I do value his/her merits and loyalty, I personally find it difficult to establish a grounded connection with those on separate planes. I learn a lot from this friend, however, and find it to be a healthy relationship even though we are so different.
5. This friend I find to be constantly changing. He/she is stubborn, but also learning of humility in recent times. In a state in which emotion take over, all foundations can be questioned leading to a disregard for many values which I find to be important to have in a friend. These are of loyalty, sincerity, and principle. During times of volatility, the situation can be dangerous, because this friend has no solid foundation to begin with. When it's good, it's all good, but when things take a turn for the worse, everything is up in the air. I find it easy to talk to this person, because given my values, he is one of the few that is able to understand me and the innermost turmoils and depression I go through.
6. This friend is weak willed and dangerously susceptible to attention that is given from other people. I sometimes feel bad for this friend. But most of the time this friend perpetuates his/her own foolish actions, so there's nothing I can do. Although this friend is genuinely a nice person, I just wish sometimes this friend would stand for what he believes in. This friend lacks a general confidence that people should have. This friend can be a bitch at times, simply said. However, this friend is easy to forgive and despite his foolishness, is kind at heart and able to be support to his friends, as well as being faithful.
7. I value this friend. However, I am frustrated with his/her terms with reality. His/her dreamer is suppressed by desires instilled to him/her by his/her parents. Although this friend maintains a love for the arts, his/her genius is suppress by success in the eyes of his/her peers. I see a lost or at least dying potential for greatness. His/her ambition is pure, untainted, and I hope I never live to see the day it is corrupted. He.she is talented, smart, and has all the qualities. I respect his/her outlandishness and fourth dimensionalism. We have a strong mutual respect for each other.
8. This friend is also weak willed and also fearful. Often, his/her general lack of sense creates a fluctuating sense of self worth. The balance found in this person, and his/her levels of self worth fluctuate at extremely high levels, creating an overall aura of selflessness with an occasional backlash of extremely stubborn and irrational thought. I seem to bring out the latter more than the former in this person. This person is nice, but also very sensitive when it comes to issues such as friends and such. Not finding many people to properly communicate with has left this person lonely at times.
9. This friend seems to be lonely. Loyalty is what binds us together, other than I cannot find any similarities between us. I wish to help him/her, but simply put, I can not. His/her past is a blockade to what he/she experiences and I hope he/she is able to find total healing in his/her life.
10. This friend I find to be able to communicate well with, because we benefit from being around each other, but I am wary because a lack of emotions and commitment creates a very whimsical personality. Even if a level of vulnerability is shared, any escalation of commitment can be detracted by this individual in an instant. Such individuals are dangerous because not only are they capable of harming all those without them, but also because harming these individuals is difficult because of their extremely low levels of vulnerability. I question the degree to which our mutual trust can last. I value having such a friend around because I am able to see situations in a state of less emotion. Also, as of now, loyalty is ensured. Most of the time, he also knows what he likes and doesn't like, creating a personality that is very direct able to understand easily.
11. I value this friend, because of his personality and respect for other people. However, he lacks a sense of priorities. He is honest and selfless, but also lonely as well. He.she is willing to sacrifice for a friend, and values his/her friends a lot. I respect this individual. I see potential for success that is not being used to its fullest.
12. This friend, I question the loyalty of. Because his friend attempts to find a balance for all things, he does things that are irrational and simply do not help any situation. Weak willed at the core, and unable to find a stance in which he/she must guard his instincts as a friend, this person falls for shallow attention and misgivings. His/her hasty thinking and airy attachments will be the end of him/her. I would tell him/her this: never, ever, fuck with the trust of a companion that has proven his worth to you already. However, despite these shortcomings, this friend is a good friend. Not sure whether or not he will take my side when the shit hits the fan, but whatever, I can do well without him/her. Honestly, I don't truth this person.
13. This friend is self sacrificial. I find the flaws in my own personality when I look at the way we deal with the same problem. He/she stands up for what he/she believes in and is strong willed. Whenever I am with this friend, I am able to act and do the "right" decision despite difficult circumstances.
14. This friend can be an airhead. Acts without thinking and takes friendships for granted. This friend also has a twisted conception of the word "friend". Apparently words have no value to this friend. Also this friend is naive to trust those around him/her, because this friend's attachments are shallow and based upon consensual agreements of other peoples misgivings, rather than solid thought and loyalty. Thus it is quite easy to become close to this individual without having to really put in trust. However despite these, this friend is innately a good person (as most people are) and despite his/her lack of thinking the innermost heart of what he/she thinks is good.
15. This person and I seem to think on opposite spectrums of the same plane of thought. We differ on many opinions and his/her opinion of me is generally negative in the sense that I am seen to be self righteous. He/she is the opposition of the dreamer in me, but we are still able to, surprisingly communicate together, because of our common obsession with the arts, success, and genius. His/her potential is large, as he/she is a 'smart kid' to put it in easy terms, and is mainly priority and success/comfort driven. I can see sparks of what seems to be a desire to break free from all the shackles that surround him/her but overall, it is not quite enough to do the job.
16. I adore this friend as well. Although the degree which we know each other may be less than the others on this list, I can see some compatibility. However, I am scared that I am battling a mirage, a façade. Also, the future holds shaky paths. I am constantly aware of these pending issues, which bring me to slow down the escalation of commitment, as much as I want to bring myself to complete 'exposure', whatever that means. Deep inside, I question if I am fearful about my relationship with this friend. However, despite what the rational and solid minded thought of comfort and safety tells me, with this friend, I wish to value the moment that happens and cherish it, rather than have to think about all the other worrisome things that may or may not happen.
17. This friend and I are almost polar opposites, according to some sources. Although I find him/her to be naive in thought, I praise his/her efforts. With growing humility, he/she seems to be learning more about his/her introspective self. However, this friend is generally narrow minded, and can only see the leaf, and not the tree. I admire his/her general direction in life, because it is one that I can never live out. Extroverted by nature, but able to peer into his/her introverted side for short bursts of time, this friend is learning of himself/herself. I can sense that this person is at heart a romantic, but driven by his/her outside shell of pragmatic desires.
18. This friend, I cherish, because he is rare. However, he/she is easily swayed by opinions of other people and also is attacked by low esteem. Success is in his path, but only if he/she can find the courage to stay firm and not take shit from anyone. He is always strongly driven by the opinions of others but is able to still maintain his idea of 'sense'. I would be heartbroken if I lost this friend. I believe he/she is under appreciated and I do my best to appreciate him/her.

When the shit hits the fan, the rest, unless family, honestly has no meaning or bearing in my life. In fact, there are some people on this list that I do not care about. I always felt it was much better to sincerely care about the few people beside you, rather than try to care for all those around you.

ghost

ghost

Class, prestige, love, the blackness, and the nothingness of it all. I'm appalled at how driven I am for these.. pursuits. Do I have have a heightened sense of self-importance to make up for my lack of appreciation for others? Then why else would I think that I am capable? I am confused and bewildered every time I think of myself. Sometimes, I am a fool, other times I am a genius. But underneath it all, there is alway this ghost of nothingness that haunts every single thought I do. Never really felt, but always present.

피아노

피아노

어쩌면 피아노가 사람을 치는거라고.

:)

:)

How many friends do I have? I'm curious. Is it just me? or does the number seem to keep dwindling down to a smaller and smaller number? But that's not what really bothers me. You, see the thing that bothers me, ironically, is that I don't feel like I care enough. Does that make sense? I feel like recently, I developed this two-faced, anxious, indifferent smile, and it's become something of a habit. I just smile through it all. Because maybe more than being vulnerable, I would rather not care. I guess I learned something of self preservation. Honestly, I don't know. I'm just trying to collect some thoughts in this storm drain of headaches that I've been having recently. Things just aren't the same. The nights are getting shorter but the days are getting darker. But mostly darker. And I don't feel the same anymore. I feel as though, I too, a, relapsing into an emotional wintertime.ncold, depressed, and lonely. God help me.

Misfit

Misfit

I suppose I felt many things growing up to be the person I am right now. I felt sadness, happiness, security, comfort, love, failure, drought, rain, anger, and so forth. But more and more, I just get this feeling that its not enough. That's it's short of what I really want. What I want is to feel everything.

I felt comfort, security, love, sadness, and happiness. Now I want to fell like I'm going to die, I want to feel absolutely drunk off pleasure, I want to feel all different kinds of heartbreak, I want to feel betrayal, I want to feel like suicide, I want to feel like I have nothing, like everything I have is worthless, like the only person near me is the only one that matters, pain beyond comprehension, I want to feel powerful, like I own the world, I want to feel devastated, peaceful, wrathful, and vengeful. I want to feel everything.

People are worthless if they can't feel anything. Experiences and the emotions that run through them make a person who they are and determine their value.

boring disgusting

it's what i dream for: the glory

it's what i dream for: the glory

Written yesterday:

Excluding yesterday, It's been a pretty shitty past couple of days to be honest. I don't know what I would have done without my FEW good friends and my girlfriend. I don't know what it was, but during Palm Springs, I came across some hard hitting self-realizations. I do not want to think about these forthcoming obstacles, neither do I really want to deal with them. But problems like the ones I have only unfold and drastically get worse with time. The more I think about myself and my life, the more I lose hope and start to wish for different things. It's deafening, to say the least.

I also begin to why I'm so deceptive a person as I think of myself to be. I think too much. My premeditated actions and doings do not allow me the spontaneity personality requires to be genuine. Everything I do is premeditated.

For lack of better words and originality, I ain't gon be around forever, so fuck it all.