Care

Care

I can hear the devil in my ear, talking to me.
You know what he's saying?

When you realize the sophistry of caring, the bitter fact that only a fool would care, there comes to a point when it's perfectly reasonable to be callous. I don't know why I have a 'cold heart' or some bullshit like that, but it's probably because I cared for some people and only got hurt in return. Why would I give a fuck, if it victimizes me, and it puts me in a state where I am pathetically reduced to helplessly looking for some sort of hope. Why would I care? And isn't that why I'm so callous, and don't give a fuck about anyone? All that would do is put forward a string of emotional attachment that would just drag me along the fuckin' floor of other's people lack of care. The sophistry of care and love is so obvious. It's a waste of time and and puts me in a state of unneeded vulnerability. Just fuck it, why give a fuck about this shithole of a world that doesn't deserve a fuckin' shred of care. Everybody seems to be doing just fine without care, and I was doing just fine without giving a damn about anything.

That's what I hear in my ear, and to be honest I embraced till a few moments ago when I realized that every part of it is wrong, no matter how logically sound it may be. And then I can hear the God in me talk. You know what He's saying?

Love your neighbor as you would love yourself. Not many understand the true nature of love, and to be honest neither do I, but what I do know is that love is a selfless emotion, and everything that I was thinking about was a utterly narcissistic and selfish. As much as I want to embrace the side of me that says, don't care, don't make yourself more vulnerable, I know it's wrong. As a human being I should be able to make that sacrifice, to put myself out there for the sake of others. I heard my parent's say time and time again, life isn't about finding your own success, its about helping others and loving them. As much as I want to just forget about everything and just recoil back into my shell, something tells me not to. As easy as it would be to just recoil. Maybe it's because I've been trying to change so hard these days, and I've been asking for some change. Honestly, I was so close to not giving a fuck once again, that same heartless creature that I once was. But that's not respectable. You know what? I shouldn't be afraid of getting hurt by people. Once you felt the emotions being carved out of your heart and being put in a state of despair by other people that aren't even affected, nothing is that bad anymore. In a place where not many people are selfless, maybe I, maybe I, the most fuckin' selfish bastard that I know, can take the place and be an emotional punching bag for others so that maybe, just maybe, people will choose to make the right choices. Why? I don't fuckin' know why... But I'm sure it's because I want to change, to get rid of the pride and wrath in my heart that stops me from being a good person.

The sad part is that I know that it will only be me suffering in the end, by myself, alone, but that's okay. If I don't, who will? And so even if I felt the bitterness of the hurt that results in caring for people, I don't regret a bit of it, and I'll do it again, even if it hurts.. Because I will live for something greater than myself. I believe I found a little part of what love might be, and what kind of burden it is. There is no justification for not caring for someone. I'm sorry that I care, because I feel so pathetic, but I'd be more sorry if I didn't care.

My chest doesn't feel so hollow anymore. It's like there's still that weight on me, but its full of something. And through the feelings of unhappiness, I actually feel like I happy... or something