I don't need or want to continue to write in this blog any longer, so I'm going to stop writing in this blog. This will be my last post.
I'm back in that place again. Like I'm wading through a blue haze, with some sort of sinking presence in my abdomen. A slow drifting aura of hopelessness pervades my thinking, so I distract myself with things in front of me: things to do today, tomorrow, or even for the next month. How long I should boil my tea and how much cold water to put into it after it starts boiling, so that it would be a decent 90 degrees when I put my tea bag in. But I know it doesn't matter. In fact, desperation speaks in whispers, telling me that how loudly I shout and tell people that I matter, it's polluting hush decimates all my voice, breaking me down speechless. I haven't been here in a while, not like this at least. It was always slightly more delusional and misty –– this is real.
All I see or feel is a steady blue haze. It keeps me moving, because that's what I need to do, but it takes away all my joy. It gives me ambition and freedom from other people, but it also does well of stripping my being of any warm sentiments –– that sort of soft nostalgic jello of times once good slurped up by the cold concrete reality of things that won't be.
No, this is not loneliness. Neither is it a desire to not be alone. It is a recognition of my own shittiness of a person and how this sort of self loathing swamps me, turning my bravery and trueness into apathy. No, actually, that's not entirely true. This is seeing myself as I am: a normal person. Not so charismatic or amazing, or positive or happy. Just normal, semi interesting but not so much. Decent. Fair to modest. This is a strange sort of humility I feel.
I am an optimistic person. But not today, because I don't want to be optimistic today. Being optimistic also introduces a sadist sentiment of welcoming an inevitable failure. I feel my emotions because I have no choice. I can subdue those sort of emotions into bitterness and angst, but instead I chose the more mellow wild and uncaring melancholy. I want to be a better person. Loving caring selfless. but today I am not. We all go searching for resolution in a world where somethings will never resolve into a solid form. Just memories and dreams and the ghosts of our past that dwell in those spaces. These kind of emotions don't fade through time, I know this from past experience. They just mellow out but they stay under the surface to one day be beckoned and hound up from their depths.
I don't want to disappear anymore. In fact I want to live and go through life. The motions are okay. I won't bet against it, but my feelings right now tell me that I won't find any lasting happiness. Where do I go from here? I was always searching for resolution, but I accepted the idea that maybe resolution wasn't meant for me. I'm always trying to go somewhere, but I don't know if I can ever get there. Sometimes I even know where I want to be, but when I get there, it's going to be not as great as I thought before. Something like leaves, drifting always. Leaves don't have anywhere to go. They just.. go.
I don't care if anyone know about my life or not. In fact, I never write about my life. I just write about feelings. But it's embarrassing, because this sort of writing connotes some type of hubris that other people would care to read it. I am a personal person, and I think I will keep it like that. I realize that I have so much more to say specifically but it's too embarrassing. So much of my posts are half assed self conscious pieces, which are not true. I will write in my journal because I don't think that the blog medium is conducive to helping me sort out my blue. I would talk about my stance on love and relationships, happiness and the like, but I don't want to. I would rather keep it to myself. I want people to understand how I feel, sure, but it's not a very true thing.
I clearly don't have that much emotional control. The first step to have some emotional control would be to be honest with myself. This blog doesn't help in that endeavor. I only tell half truths on here without any context, and by doing so, it only semi-clarifies my perspective.
I love my friends and family. What would I be without them? But in the core of my being, I am alone. I hope I will not be, but today and likely tomorrow I will be alone. Not because there are not great people around me, but because that's actually just the state of my being. Separate but functional. blue but okay. the mood changes, the people around me change, what i do might change, but the color is always the same. BLUE
Finishing this blog will also conclude these drama queen melancholy thoughts, because writing in this blog only pervades that sentiment deeper into my mind, allowing me to indulge and swamp myself with those feelings without actually resolving them in a positive light.
I can't promise that I will become a happier person, but I know I will become a better, stronger person with more emotional control, discipline and weight. All those things I wrote above will no longer define me as a person as I step away from this. Parting with this blog is kind of like parting with that icky side of me. By the time anyone is reading this, they will be reading words from a ghost, a visage that only exists is glimpse of myself, not entirely real; more like a silent snapshot of a person that was too hard on himself and gave himself too little credit.
thought dump 5
My day to day movements are somewhere between reflexive and habituated. They are more habituated than reflexive, but odd moments or different conversations might make me different, at least a bit from my mean self for a moment. The same goes for my mind and process of thinking. Most of my thoughts are habituated and ingrained within me. But this time it's a combination of reflexive and habituated.Profound discoveries are usually the product of connecting seemingly unconnected details in a meaningful way in order to deduce a simple idea that binds them, and others in the same vein of being, together.
You can learn a lot about a person by examining their reflexes and habits. It's like mind reading. Most of the time, we can't contain our mind, and it leaks through things we do. Some people more than others. Instigating people brings these inner mechanics out faster.
There's an idea called "index to character" that serves this function in literature. Often, an author would place a seemingly daft and openly abrasive character within their novel so that the reader might garner some clues about the character from how they act and react to them. Often the seemingly noble characters are revealed to be assholes because you can determine a lot of someone's character on how they act towards a seemingly less intelligent or lower status person. Great and dignified people are shitty indexes to character because everyone is naturally inclined to treat them nicely anyway. Although it is a literary term, the idea still works in real life. How people treat seemingly stupid people, mentally handicapped, or disadvantaged minority's reveals a great deal about their prejudice and inner asshole self that wouldn't be revealed otherwise.
Parts of a person always seep through the hints they say or do. Parts of themselves they want to hide have a tendency to pop out during pressured or tense times. Or in moments of prejudice. Prejudice, or the fear of loving someone different than you, is usually a function of fear. Fear which translates into insecurity.
I'm still dwelling on the idea of resolution. I think life is always a process of "becoming" but it's not necessarily important what it is you strive to become because I don't think that there is an ideal version of self to obtain. Well, there may be in the religious realm, but those models are unrealistic to actually ever obtain. Same goes for relationships.
thought dump 4
Today, I read a love letter that Tupac wrote to his girl when he was 17. I like Tupac because he was fearless and was able to love people compassionately. I am going to sign all my letter from now all something like "For eternity' or "with everlasting love" or something corny like that. I want to be fearless like that.Waves
Most people are searching for resolution. Resolution in different things all the time. For example, the existence of God is comforting because it affords a resolution to the meaning of life. A relationship is a solution for loneliness, perhaps even marriage for some. Finding a job or securing some sort of wealth provides a resolution for the twenty-something instability. I want resolve in my life. At the same time, I fear that any sort of long lasting conclusiveness will take away my emotions and make me limp and satiated. I constantly feel longing and fire for things I don’t have, and I become a person that is deserving of those things. To steal from batman, it’s like a dog chasing an ice cream truck. Every day he chases the truck and becomes faster and faster whilst doing so, until one day he catches up to the truck. Then what? You don’t got the answers sway. Answers are the not the answers. I don’t give a fuck if that doesn’t make sense or if it’s pretentious. Just becoming is an answer in itself, because sometimes things are better unresolved because it leaves room for God to work and for possibilities to emerge, instead assuming with narrow conceit.
It’s something I learned from music. Most people don’t know anything about music. Apart from the simple constructive claim of “I like it”, or “I don’t like it”, there’s much else to be really gleaned from other people’s opinions. Apart from celebration or condemnation from initial instinct, the truth of the matter is that a layperson has no real base to criticize an artist. Critics can, but they are critics the same way a soldier becomes a stool pigeon, carrying messages back and forth from the base to the battlefield. So in that sense, even a critic does not hold a very honorable position.
I think the first instinct is to characterize the opposite love as the lack of it – apathy. But I think the opposite of love, or that which represses it and exists as it’s counterpart, is being afraid. Fear drives the human heart away from love. Apathy is just the state in which that love is not present. Love is a verb –apathy is a state. Loving brings you somewhere like being joyful or something –a state. Being afraid brings you to apathy, or sometimes disgust and insecurity. After a while, after trying to love and failing, I think people have a tendency to be more afraid. Afraid of relationships, afraid to be vulnerable. Exposing that portion of sensitive self can lead to pain, because trust given can be broken and that sucks. As people grow older, they become more fearful, the more they have lost parts of themselves through loving difficult or selfish people, often time selfish themselves. And really connecting with people becomes near impossible. People become cold and distant, unwilling to make friends or even acquaintances with people, only keeping a tight circle of folks they can trust fully. A coward dies a thousand deaths, but the valiant live and die only once. Of course, I am afraid to be hurt, but I can be less afraid because chances are cooler. Heartbreak you can get over, and live and learn. The idea of a person becoming broken and mended over and over again seems sordid, and although I don't know if its true (neither do I care because I don't think it'll happen to me – knock on wood) I still imagine that it'll be ultimately worth it, as long as one is willing to grow and learn from mistakes. The idea of meeting a soulmate and not being with that person due to fear of losing seems like hedging your bets. I tend to go for a more crash and burn mentality than having things slowly fade away. I think more things happen when people are reckless – not stupid reckless though. You give way to chances and possibilities, and even though things may be lost due to impulsive decisions, who knows. It was probably meant to be like that anyway. MAYBE.
The idea of finding some I can love for a really long time scares me. If it is possible or not. Love is an active choice, not a feeling. Feelings inevitably fade. Through constant effort feelings might be able to last a couple years – but a lifetime? They have to be sustained though a conscious and deliberate choice. Too-selfish people cannot make that choice over a prolonged period of time. So I guess it’s not a question of finding that person, it’s more of a question of finding someone I am willing to love till I die, and hoping that person will reciprocate. More and more I am feeling that maybe even if you find the ‘perfect match’ or suitor, it won’t work out between selfish people. It doesn’t matter if you’re perfect for each other if you don’t realize that loving each other will eventually be a conscious and deliberate choice after the initial feelings fade. Sure, it won’t be glamorous but that’s life. Feelings come and go.
How do I become a better person? Truth be told, I am not even that much interested in becoming a better person. I actually want to be more liked, more attractive, better at music, and have more friends. I want to be loved much more than I want to be a better person. Somehow in my mind I connected that if I become a better person, I can be more loved. Although that may be true, it’s a coward’s method of self betterment.
I am conflicted and emotional. Much more than before, I think. Or at least a couple months back. I was largely emotionless for the year before that. I think I was drained. Looking back makes me sad. Losing love sucks. I am impulsive and selfish. I think I still am. But there are always other things to do than be sad and mope around. Going to school, reading books, watching movies, making music, talking to friends takes my mind off of those things. Or they did, till they mattered less and I repressed them. Now I am relatively normal as myself. I think I am an emotional person, although I wouldn’t ever be the first to admit it. I dislike being sensitive.
I am apprehensive about relationships. I don’t like commitment because of the fear that I might lose something I don’t have. But at the same time, I’m a pretty straightforward person, so I won’t evade it like a passive aggressive cunt. But sometimes I wonder if it’s even needed to be apprehensive if the possibility of good relationships in the near future don’t exist anyhow. But I’m not that cynical. I am positive vibes. Positive vibes everywhere.
i am not a hack
i am just emotional for no reason sometimes and i question the things that i feel or do too much. i look at my music and listen to it and it sounds good. i dont care about my resume because it doesnt matter to me. i am not even super confident. i am just confident enough, because i like myself enough. it might stem from an inferiority complex, but fuck those faggots anyway. i might not do interesting things all the time or look super interesting, but i think im alright, and thats what matters. i make money and live and happy, thats what happens. other things depend on my relationship with friends family god, etc. but what i do doesn't necessarily matter. its how i do it that counts (professionally speaking). i am original because i think for myself. i just can't think straight when i think about girls. stuff to remember in case anyone asks me:favorite producers:
james blake
nicolas jaar
kanye west/mike dean
yasutaka nakuta
천재노창
favorite rappers:
kanye
beenzino
asap rocky
lil Wayne
2pac
favorite actors:
edward norton
kevin spacey
michael fassbender
tom hardy
daniel day lewis
favorite albums:
epik high - 4th 5th
beenzino/jazzy fact - life's like/24:26
james blake - james blake; darkside -psychic
kanye - 808's mbdtf
section 80, etc.
even still, i am still feeling blue
blue
i am feeling unusually blue today. not for any solid or valid reason. i opened up this blog window hoping that i would find something to write about, but i dont have anything to write about. i dont even think i necessarily feel lonely, empty or sad either. i wrote 'blue' because it was vague enough to encapsulate how i am feeling, but i dont feel like putting words to it right now. yet i will try.i dont care if its immature or trite, i want to -- at least for an hour or so -- disappear from this world. i dont want to exist just for a little bit. its funny how i was so excited yesterday. i think i am still that same person with many things to be excited about, but today i dont feel like acknoledging them -- or anyone or anything for that matter.
i think i will make a tune today. i think being blue encourages reckless behavior and laziness at the same time. just for a moment, i wish no consequences existed for anything. being blue like this is the epitome of being super self indulgent. but strangely, i dont even want to acknowledge myself either.
- funny feelings -
writing on a blog is no good.
edit: Did not make a tune; confirmed I am a hack
i am a hack
These days I have an increasing suspicion that I am not an interesting person. There are musical and creative ideas in my head which are interesting, but they do not make me an interesting person. Sometimes I do interesting things and I pursue interesting things, as well as read and watch tasteful stuff, but it's just what I do. As a whole person I'm not quite sure. They are just parts of my thoughts, and I've come to see that a person is the sum of their parts. Each significant part of them may be interesting in different ways, but when a person is examined, they are taken by their whole — a gestalt principle which I think holds relatively true. Just because a person does interesting things, they are not interesting. An interesting person does things. Interesting clothes doesn't make someone interesting. The man makes the suit.
I feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy when I observe people who might be as a whole more interesting than me. I characterize it as a twenty-something middle class college students primary fear: going through half your life, and in the middle of it realizing that you are not only normal, but have spent you youth fostering lameness, realizing now that time spent cannot be bought back. And to see other people doing it better than you is the source of that inferiority complex. Imagine the turmoil when comparing yourself to false projections of perfect people.
Maybe that's why I do "bad things". I see myself falling into this deliberate delusion — for example drugs, as basic as they are, at least give me the impression that I can fit into the cool crowd if I want to. Obviously, it's counterintuitive and demeaning for my self. Or maybe it's that sense of loss of self that I'm interested in. If I am uninteresting, then maybe being less of myself would be better.
I've always hated being sensitive. Over the course of the past several years, I've developed a certain immunity to it though. I hate the feeling of overthinking things which do not hold any value, exerting empty and overly emotionally charged opinions and vibes upon unsuspecting peers and then dealing with the consequences after having escaped that emotional state. Because of this primal distaste to my instinctual self, I've forcibly turned myself away from maintaining too close of ties in which my pride is on the line.
It's funny: I am as a whole an arrogant and condescending person, but I can't help shake the idea that it may stem from an inferiority complex that deeply fears not being interesting. My self indulgence not only makes me cocky, but also fearful that the things I've invested into myself are just shams — who knows? they might be.
I am not a loser, there is brilliance within me — I tell myself this all the time probably. After a while I've come to believe it, but without products of myself externalized, the words sometimes seem like my fraud brain concocted them to fuel my fantasies of living whatever life I want to live, being happy at the cost of everything else. Thus, thoughts of delusion creep into my head ironically admist a front of unfaltering confidence and straightforward ambition.
I hate resumes. I look at mine and it tells me nothing of who I am. Although it is accurate in that I didn't do much professionally, I hate it because I don't want to judge myself on what I did. I always judged and saw myself in the potential I thought I had, it was the only real way I've kept myself afloat for so many years, but I've come to see that that idea is bullshit. Who I am is accurately depicted in what I do — isn't this obvious? Who I am is not what I think I'll do. But I reject it anyway and understand myself through who I want to be or the feats I will probably do in the future, because "it's my insides that counts". That phrase is sardonic because on one hand I believe it, yet on the other hand, I know it's total shit, but what else can I do?
I like to think that if anything, at least I'm original. At least I'm not a parrot. But even that is such a low standard. And in fact, I am a parrot in a sense. Everything I am is a consequence of people I've met, movies I've watched, books I've read — a fairly healthy product of collisions and distillation.
As a result of wanting to be totally interesting to everybody, I've created a part of myself that reacts and moves based on what I think other people will find interesting. Or more often than not I find people that I think are interesting and mimic them: watching their interviews, reading the same books that they read, using similar lingo, watching the same movies that they like, quoting them or instilling their habits into my daily life, in anticipation that through such mimicry I will become interesting as well. I started rolling cigarettes because I saw Johnny Depp do it in an interview. But now he quit because cigarettes are bad. But one thing I have noticed is that this philosophy does not really work in real life. I am a hack. People are usually interesting only because they are true to themselves. And through mimicry it's only natural that what manifests is not true. All the while knowing and understanding this, I find it often so difficult to understand my true self that I fall prey to just copying other people.
These days I make music that has a wild sense of melancholy within it. I find parts of myself scattered within my work and it's cathartic because from an outside perspective I can look into parts of me which I regurgitated out.
Is my confidence baseless? Where is it coming from? I think to myself very often in a super narcissistic Way "I am totally awesome and brilliant ", but then realize "so what? what's come of it?". What great deed have I done to facilitate this sort of thinking. On one hand do I have to validate my confidence? On the other hand, I'm just a cocky prick. The line is too thin and I cross it every day.
Is being true to yourself doing everything that you want to do? Not being afraid of the consequences if no one likes or accepts you besides yourself? What a shitty life it would be if that comes true. But more often than not I think people like people true to themselves so I think I'll be alright. I'm such a piece of shit for no good reason so much of the time. I've literally done nothing meaningful or good for the world.
Narcissistic, self indulgent, sensitive asshole with an inferiority complex that fears being uninteresting. What a hack. Those words together shouldn't even make sense to describe a person.
When I finally do some good or make something awesome, then what happens? I wait in anticipate of that day so I can finally tell everyone that I shit on them and ITS TRUE. But if I do that, I would be the same hack as before, just with money and people looking at me. It's like I have this image of myself doing awesome things as a goal just so I can validate who I am and be comfortable with myself. Fuckin hell.
"I just want to be true". Yes, but how? Then what? Will I be happy? Sometimes I think those thoughts but they get me nowhere — so I just focus on what's in front of me, hoping that what amounts might give me some answers.
clever phrases to use on a resume
feel free to take and use on your resume too. constructive criticism appreciatedintellectual foundation built upon trends which are often only slightly pretentious — sometimes
generated approximately 15,000 net friendship points amongst a peer review of at least 15 clients within a recent history of 10 years
leading provider of vague and often avoidant questions of human nature and relations to the universe
often happy, often sad, sometimes neutral — but always one of the above in different degrees of variance
apathetic to widespread suffering, yet deliberate in benefitting those fit for future utilization for future projects
supports schematic designs of brilliance in mind in those in different fields of competition
responsible for conducting high-end quantitative analysis of love with a core focus on male betterment with phallic emphasis
executed a high profile investigation into the necessity of self identity on an executive level
prepared life presentations for senior management by incorporating new and arrogant ideals of rebellious youth, resulting in therapeutic yet reckless praise — some of the time correct
reorganized and streamlined at least 5 friendships supporting the facilitation of boredom, determining a highly effective workaround for loose ended clients
formerly a highly organized and experienced emotional sadist
imperfect human being that tries fairly hard at things which he believes to be true
thought dump 3
Adjusting my previous observation, I actually think I lose myself in real people and find myself in fictional characters. I think since I was pretty young, I had very bad emotional control. As I grew older, I learned avoidance and disinterest to combat myself from that. These days, I’m finding a decent middle ground as I learn more about myself and who I am through introspection and other people.Reading some of my old journal stuff really shows a glimpse of what kind of person I was. I was… emotionally insane. Constantly self-loathing and bitter in the most crazy ways. I wonder why I was like that. I ended up hurting people and myself, but everything happens for a reason and I grew from it all.
I don’t like being vulnerable. In fact, I don’t even know why I recently started writing on this blog so much. Even though the stuff on this page is not super vulnerable, it is still rather telling of my inner state of mind — something which I usually hide on a day to day basis (personal journal is a mess lol). Maybe it’s because I want to be understood, and putting it out public holds that sort of hope. I still filter it out and try to write coherently because I don't want to be seen as a whiny little baby. I don’t think the goal of communication is to be understood . Rather, I think communication is an attempt at understanding, an attempt which never be fully realized but still a magical experience at the same time. Kind of like the journey, not the goal thing.
I think most of the times we initially communicate, it’s because we want something, or that the other person has something to offer emotionally. Following this sort of thinking, interest is inherently narcissistic. I mean, the word “interest” brings it all back to me. It’s not to say it’s bad, but rather just an observation. I guess it would be best to break down the barriers of self consciousness and then find out about the person, then understand their heart in a non-self-interested way. I think at some point after that initial encounter, that narcissism backs off and something else takes hold. I’m not sure what to call it, but it is more pure and disinterested.
For some of my close friends, I don’t even find their lives interesting anymore, because I know them so well. But I still love talking to them because understanding their mind makes our connection is meaningful. I understand their heart and it’s nice to see them grow. People constantly develop. That’s why the closeness doesn’t evaporate even after people run out of things to say. Ten years from now, I will be talking about different things with my friends, but the level of intimacy probably won’t change and we would have all grown.
I think I'm actually somewhat emotionally stable and rational thinking. I try not to let my emotions get the best of me, but at the same time admit to the truth that I am really emotional. Not emotional like I was when I was younger, but more developed, conscious and mature.
thought dump 2
I lose myself in other people all the time, particularly within fictional characters. Or maybe I find parts of myself that were unrealized in real me and engrain them into myself. People are a product of two things: habits and traumas. Finding or losing myself in fictional characters constantly builds up like silt along a riverbed and eventually parts of those characters become a part of me. Sometimes, these traits are admirable and courageous. Other times, they are simply traits that I want to have, but are unrealized in reality. For example, after watching a movie and sitting through two or some hours of some fictional character weave through problems and issues and result somewhat resolved in the end leaves me feeling satisfied. I feel like that character for a short amount of time because it feels real to me. But relatively quickly, like most things in life of this nature, it fades and I revert back to my mean self. I can tell myself things, but that doesn’t really mean that I believe them. I can tell myself I believe in God, but words are just words and the core self of my being might say otherwise. But over a long period of time, after constant and continual exposure to such things, I start believing them. I am a product of my habits and visions and feelings and traumas, and I choose what to take in, somewhat like a filtered sponge. Cinema and books are a huge part of my life. Other people make themselves through bigger things — catastrophes for example. The external world shapes you. But for me I take in the small external world as it comes and choose how it shapes me.Other times, it happens through other people. Real people that I admire or like. I talk to them, I be with them and I take in parts of them. I don’t know if who I am is real or not. I am not dissociative. I just don’t know how I got here or who I am (in totality. I know some sense of how I got here, but not the whole picture). In a sense I know who I am because I’ve been myself for such a long time, but keeping track of all my influences is impossibly difficult. It’s not crazy either, I think this is the nature of most other people as well. I think I take for granted who I am most of the time. But the real issue comes when I don’t know who I am. Understanding how I got here, how my personality was shaped and how I treat other people on an instinctual level gives me power over myself and my emotions.
There is no escape from who I am. I am stuck with it. I could part with it, but then I would be dead, which I don’t want to be because my life is pretty cool. I could try to escape from myself but it wouldn’t lead to any answers. Maybe other people know me better than I do myself — there are some parts of me that I avoid and neglect. I can learn from that. But am I really mostly a product of fictional things? No I’d say not mostly, but partly. Most of who I am was probably engrained in me from an early age, and that clay has been further molded by me feeling things from other people. For example, my first girlfriend. I was impossible to deal with. I never diagnosed myself but I think I was obsessed in an incredibly negative way. And I was a person that I hated — jealous, self loathing and intolerable. Also ecstatic at one given point and flipped 180 and in deep depression the next moment. I don’t think I was bipolar because I am different now, but the mood swings were incredibly severe. After that relationship, I saw myself retrospectively and saw what an asshole I was. But that’s not me, I hate those characteristics when I see them in other people. But unfortunately I have to accept it because that was who I was. I learned from it, dissociated myself forcibly from those parts of myself and created a new me: better, more emotionally equipped and more positive. I don’t think it’s fake either, I think everyone does it in life. You look back and cringe at past parts of yourself as if that person wasn’t you — because it feels so different. But it is you, obviously. Time doesn’t switch out identities at certain increments of your life. I became who I am because of my experiences, but more so how I retroactively saw my past self. Now I hate those characteristics that I was so much, and I can't see myself acting in that manner again. In short, I grew.
Speaking of past relationships, I think that when I am invested in something/one are the moments where I feel most emotional range. I often question if that’s who I really am, because in a position with close people I becomes less self conscious. In a position when I am totally not self-conscious I feel liberated, but also very different. My freedom feels like a pleasure. It’s like I am free from myself. It’s ironic because when I am alone, it’s different than being with people I am not self conscious with. It’s as if I need other people to validate my experience and who I am. If I was the last person on earth, I wonder how I would act. If there was nobody to validate who I am as wrong, right, insightful, silly, brilliant, stupid, then how would I act?
How did I get here? My instinct and emotions run fast than I can think. Clearly, I can’t keep but it would be more comfortable if I didn’t have to. I guess that’s the benefit of knowing yourself (unless you are naturally a good person).
It’s nice to meet people and really engage with them. There are walls people put up in order to not get hurt. I do it all the time. I felt the past the negative effects of recklessly engage with a person on a too high emotional level. I’m sure other people have felt the same way about me. But it’s nice because it’s good sometimes. I say things all the time but I wonder if I mean them. If I say them enough times, will I eventually those things? It might because those habits might become engrain my personality. But I want to know who I am on a very raw level. In a sense I desire change in order to know who I am.
I think I find other people interesting for either two reasons: 1. because they are fascinating 2. because they are similar. It’s very self consumed in nature, but fascinating people are so different from me that I can learn from them, and other times people are super similar and I can learn from myself from that. I think some people are both but often somewhere between the two extremes. However, I’d like to believe that other people are just awesome and I like to talk or be with them just for that reason. Not anything to do with myself.
That’s what I want. I want to be more compassionate. I get sick of myself relating everything back to me, because I know there is so much more that matters outside of me. But being in my own head, it’s hard to see that.
Currently I see my negative traits as such: lack of compassion, condescending, arrogant, self consumed, often not genuine. But to varying degrees. It’s something that I am aware of and constantly trying to change. I see my positive traits as: creative, insightful, loyal, good to people (I try), focused, and deliberate. All in all, most of my negative traits seem to be coming from some area of being too consumed with myself. Changing myself will come through habits or traumas, and because I can’t crontol traumas, I have to habituate that into myself. I don’t know how. Maybe if I keep telling myself for a long enough time, then I’ll start to really believe it. Not really, I think it comes on a day to day basis on how I treat other people. The reactions that I give to people might be awkward and strange to me at first, but once I habituate them in my personality, then I’ll become more compassionate. I think.
exercise 1
You’re never really rich until you realize that what you’ve wanted doesn’t really matter anymore. The faint outline of an hourglass figure whisked itself across the meadow in a hurrying pace, as if treading through a marsh to escape the vicious clamp of a gator of some sort. The vision was blurry, as the only light emanating through the woods was from the pale face of the moon and some shimmering beam behind her, but one could feel the heavy sentiment of escape permeating the atmosphere in darkness.“Irita!”
A faint call followed loosely behind her. The words came from the mouth of a heavy set man in his mid twenties, whose face was slightly more illuminated — though his eyes were dark — due to a pendulum light that waved back and forth against the trees as he ran. A deafening gait and trudging atmosphere matched his dark brows with his livid frame; one could only assume that there was no escape from this man, lest through some way to cleverly misguide his sorry intellect. Scaley in his features, but quick and adept in his social ways, the man ran after the hourglass figure.
“Irita! Come home!”
Uncaught, the words tumbled through the air missing the girl and her savory fantasies. If only there were some way out. Charming yet incompetent, the young Irita shimmied her way through the darkness, snatching her pale ankles against the undergrowth and dirtying her nightgown. Silence was usually her favor, or dismissal, but tonight she knew she would either escape her tormentor or kill herself. Suicide was out of fashion, but the uncanny feeling of dread everytime she came home was dreadful. Is this all to marriage? I mean, loving someone forever was never part of the plan — wedlock had rather done it’s deed of convergence easier than that, but to suffer constantly under the breath of a man whom she had no heart at all for: this was unbearable!
The pattering of her feet stopped for a split second as she ran, or rather waded, into the river. It flowed somewhere into the River Lea but the undercurrent would take her to a place she didn’t know — all she knew was that it was better than this lie, life, whatever.
“I’ll kill myself if you don’t let me go!” was the pitiful plea she called to the now bobbing bulb of light on the shore. She was getting in deeper into the waters, but the last thing she wanted was a coma. Yes, it was escape in some sense.. but imagine the devastation of being conscious all the while being tended to that bore with the flashlight in the distance.
“Irita, don’t make a fool out of me and swim back — else I’m going to have to come get you.”
The man took his boots off, cast them off to the side and waded in.
Oh, she didn’t have the courage to drown herself, she couldn’t! Mishaps and misdeeds, maybe she should have put stones in her pocket — how long does it take for someone to suffocate? Her lungs were not particularly strong, maybe three minutes under the surface? He’s coming now, go under! The rush of water against her face felt colder than she had imagined, and she let herself go. The sound and fury of a distant man became blurry and incoherent; this was it, there is no way out. And yet even still, deep inside she felt some sense of remorse, or fear that perhaps she wasn’t brave enough for this. A coward could always live life — this was understood — but to die and shimmy out of it was a brave man’s deed. Selfish, yes, pathetic, perhaps, but at the very least dignified in it’s proper communication of: I don’t want to live anymore, not with you, not with him, not with myself, I don’t care. Catholic sentiment was pervasive in her mind, maybe there was only hell waiting, but at a certain point, one comes to the realization that real pain in life is loneliness. The constancy of apathy as well as not being alone, but without any way out of the frustration inside. She was certain there was worse than her circumstances, because there obviously was, but people were only created to take a certain amount of pain — and of that she was sure she reached her pathetic limit. Unfortunately, although years and years of constant love and admiration had told her some sense of being a desired character, she knew inside that she wasn’t meant to be lonely, and death was a liberty given to her only through these dire circumstances. She was weak inside and was willing to give it up — at least then people would finally understand her life. Maybe she wan’t courageous enough to drown herself, but at least she could try. There is always dignity in the attempt.
Before most of these thoughts ran through poor Irita’s head, a heavy arm reached down into the cold river and pulled her out.
“Goddamnit Irita, I should have you sent to a mental hospital for all the pain you cause me!”
“Pain I cause you? You insufferable intolerable beast! I don’t want to live with you anymore, but I don’t have anywhere to go. I want to kill myself, Richard”
“Don’t shame me Irita, after all I’ve done for you. At least give me the decency of looking like a gentleman in front my friends. What would they think if they saw this?”
music as profession
I still don’t know whether or not I’m still living within a delusion. Often times it becomes clear what I’m doing is awesome, but many of the time I wonder if I’m actually just deluded and carrying on my life within a fantasy world while everyone else is doing real life. Although this thought remains in the back of my head, I’ve learned to mostly ignore it and just do things that I enjoy as well as take life and myself less seriously. Even still, I’ve noticed that over the years of constantly doing music, I feel like I’ve become slightly neurotic. However, I haven’t lost touch with reality, rather I just feel like I’m living a life that I find suitable for me. Only time will tell whether it is right or wrong. I’m certain that I will do well, but I can always be wrong.There are so many countless anachronisms and quotes that tell you how to live life: without regrets, courageously, compassionately, vividly, etc, but in the long run I think that we make up our mind about those principles on our own. I lived nearly a quarter century piling up my own way to live life, based upon my traumas and habit; I’m certain that a quote or witty saying that makes profound sense won’t change my ideas and expectations of the future. This goes for why I don’t like new years resolutions or TED talks either. Both seem like a sham that overestimate a human’s ability to forthright change overnight — but then again, whatever floats your boat. What I do in life is not who I am, but it does serve a decent reflection of the principles and ideals that I’ve collected over the years.
It’s been about eight years since I started music, and only very recently have I begin to think that it’s actually any good. Not being arrogant but rather forthright with my honest observation, I honestly think it’s pretty good. I’m starting to change this hobby of dreams into an actual profession, from which I can eat. I’m frankly very tired of not having put out anything, but this I can only blame on my own insecurities and shortcomings as an artist. There has been a period of artistic incubation and I want it to come to an end. It’s like I’m an egg pooping out of a chicken’s asshole — I haven’t even been born yet into the musical community. Because of this, it’s only natural to not be taken seriously. Really, I’ve gone through much of my later adolescence with people not taking me very seriously. I think because of that, I took myself wayyyy too seriously. Rebellious and anxious as a young teen, I took the mantra of “I do not give a fuck” as my lifelong persona only to realize that I took myself way to seriously and tried way too hard to be apathetic to my actions. Not only do I realize it was incredibly naive and misguided, I think that part of me has grown up much more. I’m growing out of it. Back then music was a dream and the teenage angst and emotions were only natural, but now it’s actually a realizable profession. To do what you want to do for the rest of your life, while also making money might be the most amazing thing to happen in the professional world, a dream only few have seen come to fruition. Money will never make who I am, but it might make me do some things — because I like having money.
There were so many moments in high school where I seriously considered whether or not it was worth being happy. I cringe at it, but at the same, I think that that melancholic time was kinda sweet too. I was naive and didn’t know shit about the world or myself (not to say I know much more now… just a bit better), but it was a period that made me who I am. I like who I am. And I like music too.
thought dump
There’s a lot of times I’ve made the mistake of expecting to be understood. I don’t think it’s possible to be fully understood by anyone — its just not possible. The things and emotions that run through our heads can’t ever be fully understood because our mouths and bodies are inexact and insufficient communicators for the loads of shit in our heads. It is possible to communicate well with certain people, different people for different things but it’s a mistake to think that it’s possible to be one-hundred percent understood by one person. Because it’s impossible, there’s always going to trouble when you expect it, particularly in a relationship.jump
Relationships are funny. One of my least favorite things when people get into relationships is when they stop hanging out with other people, as if they’re meant to only align themselves with one individual that holds capability of fulfilling their needs and understanding their heart. It’s not true; people need different sorts of relationships for different parts of themselves because people have complex needs and circumstances. I want to be understood because I dislike the feeling of loneliness, but I also know that it’s nice to be understood in smaller ways by different people. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for a human — not like two puzzle pieces that interlock and form a complete whole. I just think that’s just a corny romantic sentiment that lonely people conjure up because they think that their desolation can be solved by the entrance of a perfect human being into their life. To be fair, in concept and theory it makes sense, but in reality, why would a perfect human being find their fulfillment in only one person? I’m talking about understanding on a purely platonic level; I don’t think that polygamous relationships are healthy.
jump
Most of our thoughts get lost in translation most of time, but that’s okay because that’s life. I think talking to people becomes much more relaxed when you taken in the fact the you’re not gonna get everything — it’s not a moment where you shuffle in between each others thought but rather you just try. There’s pleasure in trying, and even more pleasure when you can get through at least a little bit. It’s nice to talk to friends and you just get it and things are properly communicated. There's like, beauty in that moment or something lol
jump
I think recently I’ve been blabbering a lot about “feeling the emptiness of my soul”. I think it’s too pretentious so I’m going to be more exact about it. What I mean is that usually I just feel neutral. I don’t feel anything much of the time, unless there is some external situation that creates an emotional response in me. And then time passes and I revert back to my mean emotional state — neutrality. I looked at some news from seven months ago about the Tianjin explosions and I felt sad — for about fifteen minutes. I empathized with their losses and wondered for a moment what they went through. And then I drank a whiskey — it tasted good so it made me slightly happy — for about an hour, and then I reverted back to neutrality. I think it exists — being joyful. Instead of reverting back to my mean neutrality (feeling nothing), reverting back to a mean joy. I don’t think that means to be estastic and happy all the time, because I don’t think such is possible to sustain, like perma-molly, but more like a fulfilled state of satisfaction. Well, it’s what I’d like to believe. I do believe there’s a permanent sense of balance in the world though, so maybe not. I’m having a pretty good time right now though. I’m not even sure if that’s possible for a twenty-something because I literally have jack shit in terms of possessions and my internal self is begging for some external satisfaction like money and chains.
jump
I laugh when things aren’t funny because laughing makes me feel like I’m understanding what people are talking about — and understanding feels good. My contention is that people talk to be understood and people listen to understand. Laughing and smiling is another way to do such, although it has slightly different implications. Some people overly do it (laugh when nothings funny), and I think that’s trying a bit too hard. I catch myself doing it all the time — feeling foolish afterwards if people catch me not really getting the joke and just laughing because I want to look like I understand. I should really stop.. Like I said, i don’t think full understanding is truly possible, so why pretend? Pretending is not awesome, unless you're acting for sport.
jump
Developing a thought on a previous blog post: I don’t think we align with circumstances and just work it out. I don’t know about twenty years of marriage, but I think it’s completely possible to find "the one”. I don’t think it’s a good idea to settle for less. With this hope in mind, we can all be less thirsty people and unpossessive and just have a good time. When I go out with the guys, there’s always some guys that are always trying to pull bitches, and somewhat sad when we don’t pull bitches (because we always end up not pulling the bitches). While it is a good time because it can be fun (also I’ve definitely been that guy before lol), I am now a proponent of awesomeness and that shit is not awesome.
what is love? pt. 3
the romantic aspect of booty shaking and bosom holding upon the dance floor is finally unveiled to me in a mcflurry of wicked cool moves against each other. at first i hold back because i did not deem my opponent a vicious opponent, cautiously revealing my “dugtrio pelvic grind” as my first move. the constancy and rapidity of the thrusts was like three diglets combined, hence the name, and my opponent although impressed retaliated with formidable force with her move, which she called: “global warming 2016 the death of the pole through friction”. needless to say, i was decimated, but not without resolve to come back much more fervently, much more enthusiastic and dead set at obliterating this foe with my next move.
i wretched the beautiful creature away from me with admirable force (anyone would say) and said in a deep yet soft voice —
preparing hurricane love tornado
shocks from all around the auditorium were felt at the reverberations of this move being rendered into the realm of possibility. “not possible”, “nobody does the hlt” were the whispers hushed across and about the room. like seagulls sensing the upward velocity of bread or crackers upon the shores of time, their eyes migrated towards me as if my aura was the byproduct of thousands of years harvesting the most amazing carbohydrates on earth.
i swiftly planted my hand into the ground, feeling the soft pebbles of dirt amongst the cold darkness of the ground. coiling my body in a spring-like fashion, i prepared to unleash my torpedial energy into the minds of my peers and lover. in a triumphant rage anticipating my foes imminent dance floor demise, my jaws let loose these words:
engage: hurricane passions unleash!!!! ultimate windmill of adoration!
my elbow drops when the beat does, and the synchronization of my foot propelling against the wind of the stuffy basketball court were to be envied by even the sun and moon. lilac pedals of sweat popped into the air like cherry tomatoes into the mouths of healthy youngsters, and the dizzying centripetal force of my windmill was making all the females in a twenty five foot vicinity wet like the small lakes of yosemite which bears find their liquid sustenance. but for them i paid no heed, it was only my foe and lover which i desired to gracefully lap like a hyper animated bear thriving in the caspian sea. was such possible? the moves at my liberty, practiced through weeks and months of devotion to love passion and excersize would choose the verdict.
after completing five extensive circles with my back against the ground, i let the torrents of energy calm with the air of a practiced composer. i settled to an andante and slowly i came to a complete stop, bulbs of sweat slowly erotically protruding from my forehead like snakes in the grass. my vemon had struck and my opponent was not only defeated, but dazzled by my performance. the audience was equally mesmerized by my moves, and i was the black knight of my lover’s desires.
take me! she said! deafening screams of an imaginary gladiator ring exploded through my ears as my succumbed to my dance floors skills.
i am your designated lover for tonight… for life!!
to be continued
buy a house
When I stay in LA for too long, I become jaded. I lose grasp of my bigger visions and usually only start focusing on small things while being frustrated how larger goals don’t come to fruition. My spring break just started and so far, I’ve been distancing myself from things that made me feel empty before (internally) and I think I’ve gained a much cleaner, fresher perspective on my life.I want to buy a house. Most of my friends have already graduated and going full steam with whatever they’re doing, leading busy-non-fuccboi lives. More than inspiring, it was just like a fresh breath of air (not to say I’m leading a fuccboi life.. but I always think I can and should work harder). Also lots of past qualms I had about the stagnant nature of circumstances have been alleviated by just meeting new and interesting people. It’s a reminder to become more awesome on the day to day.
I think the primary reason I become jaded when I stay in LA for too long is that I don’t feel necessarily challenged by my peers here. But in SF all my awesome theories about life and people are either shot down or furiously questioned in the smallest ways, and I’m like what ‘hm okay, let me think about it again and strengthen my observations’. I feel that’s how people should be. Not nagging, but constantly encouraging each other to do better rather than just think, “that’s not bad”. That mentality of “not bad” is probably the worst poison to a 20 something. Like I said, people start aging when they stop growing.
I want to buy a house. Not only because I’m sick of not being able to play loud music without cops and neighbors on my sac in the AM, but for a sense of autonomy. In one sense, out of self-respect for myself, but also our of respect for my parents. I want them to know that they didn’t raise a loser — although I know it’s the mentality they will ever have — I need some results for myself to convince myself of it. I guess that’s my 20 something motivation for cash. I never thought it was something that I really validated in my life but I have a deep hunger in my soul for something. Although I know having a lot of cash won’t change me in the long run in that sense, I need that shallow sense of achievement in order to not lose myself in frustration.
Being hopeful shouldn’t be a state of mind affected by results or progress. It’s more like an intrinsic and deeply rooted philosophy shaped by a person’s general outlook on life and what it means to be satisfied. Often, I catch myself being completely goal oriented, even though I know the actual enjoyment of achieving things matters only in relation to the process of getting there. And although I like to think that I have a positive outlook on future stuff as well having fun in the present, lack of progress is discouraging. Much more discouraging than the opinions of other people; i’ve numbed myself to the criticism in a good way. Spring break will be a good time to reset my jaded and empty perspective on myself and other people.
what is love? pt. 2
sometimes i need manly tears to affirm that my love is strong, like both the stable log of the redwood tree and the soft and delicate whimpers of joy from a small otter. is this the paradox of love? again my lips are desert chapped, begging for moisture but not burts bees.i had put on my best dress shirt that night because i knew that anything else wouldn’t make me stand out to you. on the dance floor, i writhe, not dancing, but writhing in agony because i want to be with you. delicately, i see a small figure arise from the darkness of the auditorium, like an angel of darkness being borne out of countless years and schemes of dreams and desires. the other people around you fade away and start swirling around you like the stormy clouds of jupiter around its great red storm. in my heart you are that great red storm.
you are wearing white, untarnished, innocent and gullible. and i start ten feet away from you enraptured by your eyes, stuck in time wondering how to proceed. i want to be your dark knight — to keep you safe from the tyranny of evil men, to stay steadfast with two smoking barrels in my calloused hands protecting you fro those who don’t know who you are.
you look away and i gasp! your hair, floaty and angelic, defies gravity, unlike the gravity which tore me to my knees when i fell for you. and even now, i’m falling deeper and deeper into your aura — not vain or conceited like the others but pure and innocent like a cherry blossom drifting through the aurora borealis of my passions.
uncontrolled and unrestrained passion takes over my legs and i stop my writhing and i walk. steps pulsate against the dance floor thumping against the richter scale of my heartbeat. fast and deliberate every pace is measured. four feet away.. two feet away.. one heartbeat away. tsunamis of fire makes waves against the small towns and villages of my conscious and they are decimated to dust.
h… hey. ahem.
you pretend not to notice, but maybe you weren’t pretending! even so, the deafening stereos around us can’t mute the constant cannonballs thumping against the walls of my lungs. hey! i repeat, louder this time.. more akin to the volume of my heartbeat.
you turn, slow motion. i try to capture your movement frame by frame in real life and again, your straight black hair whips around the air, leaving behind traces of expensive chinese shampoos enter my nostrils like welcomed guests of honor to my olfactory. i suffocate — i literally can’t breathe. because you took my breath away like the silent thief you are. first my attention, then my heart, now my oxygen — what can i do without you, captor of everything that keeps me alive!
your eyes slowly get bigger and although both of us are exploding inside with passions, neither of us smile because happiness is a feeling fit for flings. this was not happy, it was divine and god inspired, just like your face. i always said i liked pale girls that look like foxes, but not like you! you are a white kitsune to the rest of these foul mouthed canines! our hearts and our eyes both dilate and you say:
hey. i.. i..
too slow, my patience wears thin and tense being stretched from galaxy to galaxy from all the moments i spoke to you in my head. i cut you off:
would you like to dance with me!
the words escaped through the gaps of my teeth before i even knew what i was saying. the rush and torrent of gasp and sighs all condensed into audible words through which the envy and spirit of my love was solidified. the words had been let out and now let the most gorgeous jury in the court of my heart make her vote. i am guilty only of falling in love with you, but my heart is innocent. whether or not you take me as your captive sentenced to your body is a choice only you and god can make alone!
um.. o.. okay.
explosions! deafening screams of joy from my anxious heart crashing through the ceiling of my skull!
the saga continues later
a.p.v
My goal in life is to be as awesome as possible. I think things should be propelled by awesomeness, all the time. If things are not awesome, then the awesomeness of life becomes less awesome. I try to be awesome, but lots of times I'm not awesome because being awesome is not something you try to be but you are. So on a daily basis, through habits and small traumas, I engrain awesomeness into the core of my being, because being awesome is what life is about. Being awesome means being compassionate, being cheerful, being joyful, good to your friends and family, standing up for what you believe in, being kind to people who don't matter to you, and having overall positive vibes. Super vibes, to be exact. Being arrogant or showing off is not that awesome. Neither is lying or pretending to be someone you're not. Awesome people get along with awesome people as well. So it only makes sense that in order to meet more awesome people, I should grow to be more awesome. The world will be filled with awesomeness and positive vibes then.I like hanging out with people that have positive vibes. It's not necessarily that they're happy or optimistic or anything, but that the general aura that is emitted it positive and super awesome. I learn from my awesome friends such that I can take some of their characteristics and work them into my personality as well. I want to be awesome so that I can meet more awesome people and do awesome things. Some people are a proponent of same sex marriage, others pro-life or drag queens, etc. but I am a proponent of awesomeness. Positive vibes and super vibes constitute awesomeness. Awesome people make awesome things. Super vibes forever.
daydream
She leaned her head against the wall, and despite smiling, I caught brief moments of melancholy shining though the dark beads of her eyes. Timid creatures usually have more thoughts going on — maybe an obvious nature of shyness, but it lines up perfectly with the human desire for self knowing. When others don’t tell you who you are, the natural instinct is to search inside for possible elucidations about our true nature, who we are, and other big specific questions dealing with the nature of the universe. But this moment was not one of those moments. It was rather mundane, and filled with the typical daydream delusions of other moments. She was deluded (there was no more accurate word to describe her constant state of paranoia) — tapes of moments just passed constantly passed back in her head, wondering what if and why not over and over again.It was possible that her melancholy came from these constant realizations of self inadequacy. To her, silence was not favored, just accepted over talking because she didn’t know what to say. And so she was rather timid, but to others, who knew what delusional thoughts ran through her mind all the time! And yet, maybe even mine, because here I am sitting across from her, thinking about what she might be thinking about — just something that moments of silence like this beget. And it’s funny, my observations about other people are always deeply driven by my own vanity. Nothing I do is really ever altruistic by nature. I just want to know her better so that I can understand her better, because understanding feeds my ego, as does difficultly acquired friendships. I don’t know. Writing this, I can only guess what is going through her mind, because she is real and the truth is I don’t know.
This inevitable barrier of true communication is what drives my real melancholy of life. Although for brief moments I can gauge her mind and have our thoughts freely flow between hers and mine, these moments are too short lived to be of any real consequence to affect the solitary nature of being sentient (whilst being limited to only talking and acting). After all, we’re not telepathic and neither does the desire for deep pain and empathy exist for most people. All I have with her are words and actions, and how much can you really communicate with those? A good deal perhaps — when she leans her head on the wall, looking at me with smiling eyes, maybe I can see some sort of sadness behind them, maybe boredom. Or when she talks to me, I can take those words and transform them into stints of understanding through my years and years training to be a empathetic human. An empathetic human — what a joke. It’s true, we don’t have to be always solitary, but most of the times we are, because communication most happens on a physical sonic level. Understanding a person’s heart, the complexity of her soul is something reserved for God maybe. Maybe that’s why he gives us comfort, because we know at least one being in this universe holds the capacity to fully understand who we are.
Daydream delusions running through her mind and mine. I know this because she told me. Maybe we’re not so different after all.
old stream of consciousness
He always told himself, life would be so much more than it is right now, but these thoughts remain perpetually amiss. Every single thought of freedom is eventually drowned by time. They say time waits for no one. It's a sad reality, he told himself, but the sad reality was that he wouldn't do anything to help himself. Maybe in a year, when I'm off and away, then I'll be free. Funny, I heard the same thing four years ago, eight years ago. He started counting his chances in increments of four. He loved the number fourteen till he reached it, loved the number eighteen till it found him in his same purposeless thirteen year old mind, and when that number came, he loved the number twenty one, because it sounded like freedom, but when it came around, he lost interest. Everything was at the wrong time. If only he had been born four years before his interests, yet lived in the present. If his time frame of now was instead four years ago, in a body four years older. Wouldn't that be nice? He wouldn't be afraid to try new things, to talk to that pretty girl at school, to say 'no' once in a while, or to take that rock and throw it at that assholes car. But no, it was a shame he was stuck in the present, and the looming irony was that he was never living for the momentHe takes his heavy head and lifts it out of the dirt. Where is he? It must be a dream, he said, waiting for the presence of hopelessness to fade away. But it didn't nothing so out of place fades away like that. I wonder. Why, what? Well there's an idea, the imbecile says, his conscience taunts him. Where. Okay what a wonderful being you are to have the capability to have such superfluous and philosophical thinking! You are a truly, and utterly honest and amazing human being, much more than the ant swarm below us. I am. No, you aren't, silly. You're nothing.
And if I could play his conscience like a indifferent composer, I would. But I would do so much more than taunt him, because I can get away with everything right? I'm his conscience, I'm him, I'm not me, he's me so he blames himself. Take that back, he doesn't even know how to blame himself, so he lets others blame him for himself, a pleasant trade-off. Oh he's just silly, don't mind his blabbering. I suppose that gives him a colorful excuse to think whatever he pleases and get away with it. At the point where others let you think freely, they call you insane, or demented and twisted. If this was true, I suppose in a way it would be so much better to be demented or twisted amongst that flock of seagulls, the mediocre languid pile of dead Holocaust sheep.
Hey, aren't you someone special? Sarcasm feels so good on paper. He can't really move his body. Am I. What do you think you are? Anything worth anything part of any self loathing any any any? Real? Estate? You can't just throw a sentence out there and expect your conscience to understand. Hey you, you! Go to that fridge and pull out the orange juice. Okay, now drink it. Good, let the pulp drench the sides of your dirty, contaminated throat. Now put it back. Hm, this kinda feels good. He looks, but can't see anything. No, don't look or try to see. He stops. Now.. Go live.
From that day on, he was the happiest piece of flesh on the face of the crusty earth. If only we could do something like that ourselves. Just let that little voice in your head click, and off off you run away, into the beautiful, twisted and mental darkness.
* * *
I wrote this five years ago (Jan2011, before graduating high school) and I found it revisiting some of my older writing. It's always interesting reading older stuff because it gives you a window into the person you used to be, and you can judge how much you have changed, or haven't. It was called stream of consciousness.
escape
Escapism for me comes in the form of wanting to escape the emptiness of soul. To do this, I can do one of two things: either fill my soul with permanent solutions — things that bring me a constant state of joy. A real relationship with God for example, and knowing that I have great purpose and hope for meaning. Or I could also escape my soul by ignoring it and actually parting from it. The scariest part about this sort of escapism is that fact that you can actually really escape from the emptiness of soul by parting from it — at least partially. For example, doing drugs and getting plastered. It’s true, I temporarily escape the emptiness of my being by unbecoming myself, but by doing so, I become slightly distanced with who I am. I think a person is most themselves when he or she is sober. This is the constant state of mind of which we are used to and most accurately represent our internal situation. The drunk state, the euphoric state is a situation in which we escape the drollness of sobriety by placing our mindset and shifting our perspective to something different. Honestly, for me, getting drunk is not fun fun. It’s fun because it’s different and I can be a more audacious person and solidify connections with people in more obvious and upfront ways. It’s not fun because it’s fun necessarily, but it’s fun because it’s different from myself — my sober and true self. Different drugs of different calibers take you further from yourself into a places that might not entirely be you.I think the strongest sense of escape from self is suicide or death. You literally escape by separating body from soul. But you can experience temporary suicide as well, by dissociating yourself so strongly from yourself, that “you” don’t exist as your normal self, at least for a while. In a way it is liberating because you escape, but it comes at the cost of separating from your actual self for a bit. Repeated accounts of this will probably be detrimental for understanding your identity and who you are.
I find relief from stress and mundane routine of who I am on a daily basis by release, temporarily escaping from the dullness of everyday life. But that desire for escape can be filled another way, by realigning my goals for something more substantial and longer lasting than worldly values etc. I don’t want to be a monk, but I also don’t want to be empty inside. I don’t think a compromise exists between those two hyperboles, but there is a way to find inner peace by desiring something greater than conventional goals.
temporary hellos
Do soulmates exist? Or do we just align with circumstances — affirming an idea that people usually just work out some sort of relationship and even when it’s not perfect (it just works). But where’s that attraction? It seems like relationships tend to lose fire over time, and people say “that’s life” because it happens in every single one. You learn to live with smoldering, but constant state of attraction.Not sure what I want. Don’t feel any attraction either. I desire female companionship, but at the same time, don’t feel the desire for any real connection either. Understanding is too difficult of a feat right now with all the things I have to do soon that I don’t want to take the time to fully indulge myself in trying. My circumstances right now are boring, and boring circumstances beget boring relationships. My circumstances will change, when that happens, I’m interested in what new things come about.
Many times, we experience “temporary hellos”. You say hello, but it doesn’t mean anything besides the fact you’ve come in contact with another person, at least for a short duration of time. Temporary hellos are okay, because you don’t have to offer any substantial or vulnerable. There’s always a risk of meeting someone incompatible or untrustworthy and that could be draining. But on the other hand, new relationships with people always have positive potential as well. However, these days, I feel like as people get older, putting up risk is overwhelmed by a insincere laziness. I experience this all the time. For example, when I meet someone that has come to LA for a vacation, I will be absolutely uncaring about their life, but fake enough to demonstrate that I’m not entirely apathetic to their circumstance. And it’s cool, I might learn a new fact or something. But overall, I definitely feel that laziness and empty desire for the possibility of new friends. It has not much to do with my satisfaction with my present friends or loneliness, but really just laziness and disinterest in people in general. It’s like I’m trying to meet amazing people — when I myself am not so amazing at all. It’s ironic and it’s disrespectful to other people, really. And the worst part about it is that this sardonic realization doesn’t move my desires or inclinations a hair. I know it and I don’t care.
I guess the extent that it actually affects me is that I want to be a more awesome person. To be frank and conceited (because those usually go together for me), I honestly sometimes think I’m brilliant. But I could be cooler in my own way. Everyone has room to be cooler. On a statistically level, I’ll probably meet people who are in a similar cool range, considering that I’m not talkative or extroverted. I’ll try to expand that range.
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