thought dump 3

thought dump 3

Adjusting my previous observation, I actually think I lose myself in real people and find myself in fictional characters. I think since I was pretty young, I had very bad emotional control. As I grew older, I learned avoidance and disinterest to combat myself from that. These days, I’m finding a decent middle ground as I learn more about myself and who I am through introspection and other people.

Reading some of my old journal stuff really shows a glimpse of what kind of person I was. I was… emotionally insane. Constantly self-loathing and bitter in the most crazy ways. I wonder why I was like that. I ended up hurting people and myself, but everything happens for a reason and I grew from it all.

I don’t like being vulnerable. In fact, I don’t even know why I recently started writing on this blog so much. Even though the stuff on this page is not super vulnerable, it is still rather telling of my inner state of mind — something which I usually hide on a day to day basis (personal journal is a mess lol). Maybe it’s because I want to be understood, and putting it out public holds that sort of hope. I still filter it out and try to write coherently because I don't want to be seen as a whiny little baby. I don’t think the goal of communication is to be understood . Rather, I think communication is an attempt at understanding, an attempt which never be fully realized but still a magical experience at the same time. Kind of like the journey, not the goal thing.

I think most of the times we initially communicate, it’s because we want something, or that the other person has something to offer emotionally. Following this sort of thinking, interest is inherently narcissistic. I mean, the word “interest” brings it all back to me. It’s not to say it’s bad, but rather just an observation. I guess it would be best to break down the barriers of self consciousness and then find out about the person, then understand their heart in a non-self-interested way. I think at some point after that initial encounter, that narcissism backs off and something else takes hold. I’m not sure what to call it, but it is more pure and disinterested.

For some of my close friends, I don’t even find their lives interesting anymore, because I know them so well. But I still love talking to them because understanding their mind makes our connection is meaningful. I understand their heart and it’s nice to see them grow. People constantly develop. That’s why the closeness doesn’t evaporate even after people run out of things to say. Ten years from now, I will be talking about different things with my friends, but the level of intimacy probably won’t change and we would have all grown.

I think I'm actually somewhat emotionally stable and rational thinking. I try not to let my emotions get the best of me, but at the same time admit to the truth that I am really emotional. Not emotional like I was when I was younger, but more developed, conscious and mature.