thought dump

thought dump

There’s a lot of times I’ve made the mistake of expecting to be understood. I don’t think it’s possible to be fully understood by anyone — its just not possible. The things and emotions that run through our heads can’t ever be fully understood because our mouths and bodies are inexact and insufficient communicators for the loads of shit in our heads. It is possible to communicate well with certain people, different people for different things but it’s a mistake to think that it’s possible to be one-hundred percent understood by one person. Because it’s impossible, there’s always going to trouble when you expect it, particularly in a relationship.

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Relationships are funny. One of my least favorite things when people get into relationships is when they stop hanging out with other people, as if they’re meant to only align themselves with one individual that holds capability of fulfilling their needs and understanding their heart. It’s not true; people need different sorts of relationships for different parts of themselves because people have complex needs and circumstances. I want to be understood because I dislike the feeling of loneliness, but I also know that it’s nice to be understood in smaller ways by different people. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for a human — not like two puzzle pieces that interlock and form a complete whole. I just think that’s just a corny romantic sentiment that lonely people conjure up because they think that their desolation can be solved by the entrance of a perfect human being into their life. To be fair, in concept and theory it makes sense, but in reality, why would a perfect human being find their fulfillment in only one person? I’m talking about understanding on a purely platonic level; I don’t think that polygamous relationships are healthy.

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Most of our thoughts get lost in translation most of time, but that’s okay because that’s life. I think talking to people becomes much more relaxed when you taken in the fact the you’re not gonna get everything — it’s not a moment where you shuffle in between each others thought but rather you just try. There’s pleasure in trying, and even more pleasure when you can get through at least a little bit. It’s nice to talk to friends and you just get it and things are properly communicated. There's like, beauty in that moment or something lol

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I think recently I’ve been blabbering a lot about “feeling the emptiness of my soul”. I think it’s too pretentious so I’m going to be more exact about it. What I mean is that usually I just feel neutral. I don’t feel anything much of the time, unless there is some external situation that creates an emotional response in me. And then time passes and I revert back to my mean emotional state — neutrality. I looked at some news from seven months ago about the Tianjin explosions and I felt sad — for about fifteen minutes. I empathized with their losses and wondered for a moment what they went through. And then I drank a whiskey — it tasted good so it made me slightly happy — for about an hour, and then I reverted back to neutrality. I think it exists — being joyful. Instead of reverting back to my mean neutrality (feeling nothing), reverting back to a mean joy. I don’t think that means to be estastic and happy all the time, because I don’t think such is possible to sustain, like perma-molly, but more like a fulfilled state of satisfaction. Well, it’s what I’d like to believe. I do believe there’s a permanent sense of balance in the world though, so maybe not. I’m having a pretty good time right now though. I’m not even sure if that’s possible for a twenty-something because I literally have jack shit in terms of possessions and my internal self is begging for some external satisfaction like money and chains.

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I laugh when things aren’t funny because laughing makes me feel like I’m understanding what people are talking about — and understanding feels good. My contention is that people talk to be understood and people listen to understand. Laughing and smiling is another way to do such, although it has slightly different implications. Some people overly do it (laugh when nothings funny), and I think that’s trying a bit too hard. I catch myself doing it all the time — feeling foolish afterwards if people catch me not really getting the joke and just laughing because I want to look like I understand. I should really stop.. Like I said, i don’t think full understanding is truly possible, so why pretend? Pretending is not awesome, unless you're acting for sport.

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Developing a thought on a previous blog post: I don’t think we align with circumstances and just work it out. I don’t know about twenty years of marriage, but I think it’s completely possible to find "the one”. I don’t think it’s a good idea to settle for less. With this hope in mind, we can all be less thirsty people and unpossessive and just have a good time. When I go out with the guys, there’s always some guys that are always trying to pull bitches, and somewhat sad when we don’t pull bitches (because we always end up not pulling the bitches). While it is a good time because it can be fun (also I’ve definitely been that guy before lol), I am now a proponent of awesomeness and that shit is not awesome.