music as profession

music as profession

I still don’t know whether or not I’m still living within a delusion. Often times it becomes clear what I’m doing is awesome, but many of the time I wonder if I’m actually just deluded and carrying on my life within a fantasy world while everyone else is doing real life. Although this thought remains in the back of my head, I’ve learned to mostly ignore it and just do things that I enjoy as well as take life and myself less seriously. Even still, I’ve noticed that over the years of constantly doing music, I feel like I’ve become slightly neurotic. However, I haven’t lost touch with reality, rather I just feel like I’m living a life that I find suitable for me. Only time will tell whether it is right or wrong. I’m certain that I will do well, but I can always be wrong.

There are so many countless anachronisms and quotes that tell you how to live life: without regrets, courageously, compassionately, vividly, etc, but in the long run I think that we make up our mind about those principles on our own. I lived nearly a quarter century piling up my own way to live life, based upon my traumas and habit; I’m certain that a quote or witty saying that makes profound sense won’t change my ideas and expectations of the future. This goes for why I don’t like new years resolutions or TED talks either. Both seem like a sham that overestimate a human’s ability to forthright change overnight — but then again, whatever floats your boat. What I do in life is not who I am, but it does serve a decent reflection of the principles and ideals that I’ve collected over the years.

It’s been about eight years since I started music, and only very recently have I begin to think that it’s actually any good. Not being arrogant but rather forthright with my honest observation, I honestly think it’s pretty good. I’m starting to change this hobby of dreams into an actual profession, from which I can eat. I’m frankly very tired of not having put out anything, but this I can only blame on my own insecurities and shortcomings as an artist. There has been a period of artistic incubation and I want it to come to an end. It’s like I’m an egg pooping out of a chicken’s asshole — I haven’t even been born yet into the musical community. Because of this, it’s only natural to not be taken seriously. Really, I’ve gone through much of my later adolescence with people not taking me very seriously. I think because of that, I took myself wayyyy too seriously. Rebellious and anxious as a young teen, I took the mantra of “I do not give a fuck” as my lifelong persona only to realize that I took myself way to seriously and tried way too hard to be apathetic to my actions. Not only do I realize it was incredibly naive and misguided, I think that part of me has grown up much more. I’m growing out of it. Back then music was a dream and the teenage angst and emotions were only natural, but now it’s actually a realizable profession. To do what you want to do for the rest of your life, while also making money might be the most amazing thing to happen in the professional world, a dream only few have seen come to fruition. Money will never make who I am, but it might make me do some things — because I like having money.

There were so many moments in high school where I seriously considered whether or not it was worth being happy. I cringe at it, but at the same, I think that that melancholic time was kinda sweet too. I was naive and didn’t know shit about the world or myself (not to say I know much more now… just a bit better), but it was a period that made me who I am. I like who I am. And I like music too.