buy a house

buy a house

When I stay in LA for too long, I become jaded. I lose grasp of my bigger visions and usually only start focusing on small things while being frustrated how larger goals don’t come to fruition. My spring break just started and so far, I’ve been distancing myself from things that made me feel empty before (internally) and I think I’ve gained a much cleaner, fresher perspective on my life.

I want to buy a house. Most of my friends have already graduated and going full steam with whatever they’re doing, leading busy-non-fuccboi lives. More than inspiring, it was just like a fresh breath of air (not to say I’m leading a fuccboi life.. but I always think I can and should work harder). Also lots of past qualms I had about the stagnant nature of circumstances have been alleviated by just meeting new and interesting people. It’s a reminder to become more awesome on the day to day.

I think the primary reason I become jaded when I stay in LA for too long is that I don’t feel necessarily challenged by my peers here. But in SF all my awesome theories about life and people are either shot down or furiously questioned in the smallest ways, and I’m like what ‘hm okay, let me think about it again and strengthen my observations’. I feel that’s how people should be. Not nagging, but constantly encouraging each other to do better rather than just think, “that’s not bad”. That mentality of “not bad” is probably the worst poison to a 20 something. Like I said, people start aging when they stop growing.

I want to buy a house. Not only because I’m sick of not being able to play loud music without cops and neighbors on my sac in the AM, but for a sense of autonomy. In one sense, out of self-respect for myself, but also our of respect for my parents. I want them to know that they didn’t raise a loser — although I know it’s the mentality they will ever have — I need some results for myself to convince myself of it. I guess that’s my 20 something motivation for cash. I never thought it was something that I really validated in my life but I have a deep hunger in my soul for something. Although I know having a lot of cash won’t change me in the long run in that sense, I need that shallow sense of achievement in order to not lose myself in frustration.

Being hopeful shouldn’t be a state of mind affected by results or progress. It’s more like an intrinsic and deeply rooted philosophy shaped by a person’s general outlook on life and what it means to be satisfied. Often, I catch myself being completely goal oriented, even though I know the actual enjoyment of achieving things matters only in relation to the process of getting there. And although I like to think that I have a positive outlook on future stuff as well having fun in the present, lack of progress is discouraging. Much more discouraging than the opinions of other people; i’ve numbed myself to the criticism in a good way. Spring break will be a good time to reset my jaded and empty perspective on myself and other people.