why

because my self awareness supersedes my insecurities
because normally I wake up at five
because half the time I workout, I throw up
because I don't know when to stop. It's better not to know because when your 20 and you think about that, it's premature
because everyone around me has no reason to do what they do. at most it's a shallow 3-cm-deep response with as much sincerity as a child that wants to be the president. and when faced with such blatant disregard for their meager pride, they shrink away like caterpillars to the touch.
because some things aren't righteous
because the fucking irony that I feel disillusioned in an illusional crowd might be the biggest tragedy of everyone else's lives, because my vision is lucid and I understand the clockwork of the human mind
because I'm inherently a narcissist trying to deny myself the pleasure of loving myself in order to love others. we live in mirrors. when we're judging others, we're only experimenting with our own hubris.
because I'm afraid of looking like a godamned (literally, god-damned) fool, but it's more righteous to face that fear because I can directly avoid become exactly lost like all the other comm english psych every other fucking major
because if you think you can't, but you do, then you've already failed. doctor? psych major? how gonna take the risk to save others when you can't even save yourself from your own incompetency and lack of faith in yourself. fear of hardwork fear of I can't do it fear of I can settle for 2nd is the same as the fear of failure the fear of failure the fear of failure
because the jokes on you; life is the simplest game to play and you've known it since you were born but decided to forget it and believe that it's complicated because ironically, it's easier. who said simple was easy? it's the exact opposite
because college is not the answer. it's a tool and tools work on a basis of necessity. don't be afraid to admit it, it's only because your scared that your incompetent and insecure that you deny yourself that truth
because everyone's incompetent and insecure. no it's not an insult because I am too. But we can't admit it? that line is a mobius strip of denial
because when you're righteous, opposition is the only natural effect. But there's Martin and theirs Malcolm. Can anyone recite of X's speeches? Is there a Malcolm X day? The only righteous thing is to love, and no we're not some corny hippies so it means you've got do act on it.
because fear, not incompetence, not ignorance, not anything else, is the reason why you are so uninteresting, and why your life will be the same thing over and over again till you realize that you're actually afraid and that's why your uninteresting. But it doesn't stop till you're not afraid, not afraid to love yourself and love like the genius that you actually are
because you think I'm ambitious? I'm just trying to be a little more righteous
because I'm not a nice guy, I love talking, but just not to you. see? I'm an asshole.
because every label attached to everything that supposedly can define a human (christian asian smart skinny) has utterly bullshit ties to some other condescending affiliation (pretentious ignorant judgmental silver spoon weak)
because I've got a sense, an understanding, and a comprehension of music
because I can do anything that I want to be and I'll be damned good at it, but I'll probably drink myself to death or drown in the kiddie pool of existence before I see any of my grandchildren, and I gotdamn know it
because I'm smart and I know it means nothing.
because nobody uses the phrase "oh, well I don't wish to bore you" or "oh, enough about me," even as a gesture of courtesy anymore. it must be a sign of the times, yes, in fact, you're probably boring and it's entirely you're fault because you are more interested in yourself than others. And it's only human nature that people are not interested in folks who are only interested in themselves. Gibber jabber blah blah do I look like a shrink?
because contrary to popular belief that I don't owe the world a thing, I owe God my entire existence
because I'm not fucking ignorant because I believe in a God, but unfortunately many are. You ask any Christian why they believe in God. Try it and get a blank stare or some ignoramus reply that makes no sense. People blabber this all the time: "Christianity is not a religion, it's a way of life." I call bullshit. Yes, it's true, but you believe in that fact like you do the loch ness. The only difference between a philosophy and religion is the absence of rituals in the former. And your philosophy on life is about as shallow as the puddle of water on your bathroom floor
because I can;t squander my luck and opportunity
because you think of other people and small things more than you do ideas
because I want to be honest to myself, I want to be righteous and secure (as opposed to insecure) and fearless
because hip-hop is so young and undeveloped
because I'm not better than you, we are the same, but you're making it seem like ambition is a gift for lucky. What's the difference between you and me?
because you must be crazy
because I must be lucid
because I'm already happy
because I'm always anxious (really? you look so chill)
because I want  to stop being such a poser. but I'm okay with being a loser (as opposed to cool NOT opposed to winner)
because I actually want to be cool tho
because sometimes I sleep at 5
because my ambition supersedes my talent

it's simple

passions

passions

Due to the natural cycle of experiences, learned behavior, revelations, depressions and relapses into either or, it seems rather clear why we want what we cannot have and want it not when we do achieve it. Age has everything to do with the matter, and only those who are able to grow prematurely, and enlighten the truths of the world to themselves as quickly, accurately and insincerely as possible are able to become prominent in this jungle of inhabitants. The passion must be insincere only by definition that those who are able to succeed in their passions by means of a philosophy that is precocious, must be insincere. Sincerity comes only when age matches with suitable mental health or state. However, this is not the case for many, and many are left not precocious, but rather late and tardy in this race for the quickest mental health, and I suppose there is where the balance fits. Is the ten year old which wishes to become a firefighter sincere in his passion? By any and all means, heavens no! He knows not of the firefighter's duties, calls, roles, hardships, training or even schooling, and thus by this measure he is precocious. But because age is a driving force stronger than most passions, by the time he is eighteen, he has learned that whatever his passion was is not no more because quite suitably, his mental age has changed. And yet, follow the boy which is able to keep his passion despite what his mental age becomes (and notice that this "mental age" is merely created by the self conscious rambling of his peers and elders), and see how far his passion will take him. My friends, it is a deeply rooted passion which drives diligence; passion which drives intelligent routine; passion which drives the hard work required to succeed; but only a passion which is able to supersede the mental age of his peers. Because in most cases passion falls on a tier lower than our insecurities and fears.

cigarettes

cigarettes

One can scarcely understand the complexity of living itself without understanding the complexity of death — not the sudden one which leaves one mourning in black suits, but the slower and constant gnaw which inexplicably leaves a smile pasted on his fat and cowardly face. It is pleasure; pleasure which is the devil’s whisper in his ear, that that tells him to forget of the bitter aftertaste of a one night’s stand; pleasure that takes all spring, summer and fall to remind him that it will be cold — yes, bitterly freezing in the wintertime; and pleasure which rots our insides and creates such a fascinating and unbeautiful corpse when it has taken it’s toll that only then does he cease pretending to not realize what he has lost.

A cigarette is the perfect example of a pleasure. A pleasure, by nature, takes away life and morals just as easily as it tells us that they do not matter. It is the daintiest and yet wickedest of man’s downfall, because when the cigarette starts to burn the mouth, it once again reminds us that although it was satisfaction which he sought when he put the lighter to his mouth, it is rather perfect yearning for another which remains. And as if his own flesh was mocking him, he is once again reminded that pleasure is the easiest of vices to forgive.

And yet, it is nearly a worthwhile dissatisfaction. What more could one want? A cigarette which lasts a day? Drunkedness which prolongs itself into the morning and the day after? An orgasm which lasts three hours? Opium? Perhaps. But at that point one is so disillusioned with the yearning for his pleasure that he may as well look for it (and find it) in hell for all eternity.

Religion (but only as Marx would say — as an opiate of the people) is a crutch for those who can’t bear the pleasure of their own transgressions. In that way, it is as misused and misunderstood as a sort of facet or catharsis for those who can't forgive themselves first, or rather, don't really want to. In this way, I believe that it is that wave of relentless guilt which creates the monstrosities of religion.. the crusades, extremist islams, westboro baptist. Because at that point, it is not that one has merely forgotten the central ideas of love and passion, but rather it is that they have never been adopted in the first place.

And as if that's an argument to stop smoking. Not even family which has died of the cigarette can stop one from really smoking.. in fact, that's how starts for some. What's a rainy night without a cigarette? It's like trying to paint over the canvas of the mind with a crayon.

And truly, it is a vile thing when one has taken away his pleasure of smoking with an incessant thirst for it. Such is the way all pleasures unavoidably, and rather justly, end.

checkpoint

checkpoint

Life is good. This is something that has always been understood, even when I had emotional problems. There is absolutely no denying it when I understand what is around me and what has been given to me. The past couple weeks, I've had something of a revelation. Actually, not quite, so because it was not entirely unknown before. Perhaps I'll call it "rediscovery". Life is more than just good, it's exciting. Life is really really exciting. Right now, I'm 20. It may not be all that glamorous, but when I look around me and see the blessings of God in both the opportunities I've been given and the person He has made me to be, I see an unfathomable amount of potential and excitement. It's funny to hear that from a "broke" (my net worth is 0), "homeless" (I live in an apartment my parents are paying for), and "lost" (my English major is useless) person. But I am so excited.

At 20, this is a prime age for anything in the making. It is an age of new responsibilities, but also far less commitments than any other time in our lives. I have no wife, no home payments to make, and absolutely nothing holding me back from doing exactly what I want to do. And some people call this childish, but I do not understand because at 20, I'm a bit too naive to understand what it means to pay mortgage or feed my children.

I feel extremely exciting because I see my situation, and the mind that my childhood has created and I see so much potential. I am excited because I understand all the control that I have from my part is how hard I work and how I manage certain opportunities and commitments. The only excuse I have from my part is that I have not worked hard enough. 

The only thing I am uncertain about is that I do not know how strong I am. Because I grew up from a middle class family in an affulent community  my will has never been fully tested. I never lived hand to mouth, and I never felt what it means to be at the bottom of the food chain. I never had my ego tested to show me how pathetic I am, and even if I say I have, I really haven't. I pray, that whatever happens in the coming few years, no matter what, that my philosophy on life will not falter in a negative way. Things are easy to say when it's all good and I can easily get food on my plate and I think I'm in the top ten percent of the top ten percent of the world. How strong is my will? Only time will tell, and I'm certain that I will know the answer in the next coming years.

Traits needed:

1. Ability to drop all emotional commitment to something isn't working and run the other direction. Give up when necessary.

2. Proactiveness. Ability to TAKE ACTION

3. Discipline

4. Resilience to failure

Things needed for a happy job:

1. Autonomy

2. Passion

3. A direct effort/rewards and results ratio

Don't expect anyone to tell you what to do or give you permission.. Because nobody will.

You don't have to be fully prepared! Reeboks on, I just do it, nxgga.

19

19

Let's say you are a vegan since you were born for 20 years.

I give you this platter of this gorgeous steak. And I says to you,

"Eat this steak, or else I will kill a cow."

Willst you eat it?

This question begs how strong our moral and ethical philosophies are VS. personal pride in stupid shit that don't matter. Like not eating the steak. When push come to shove, you must eat the steak. Or else.

I will kill another cow.

Let's says you says okay, I doesnt wants you to kills a cow. You eats it. Then I looks at you,
and I says

You ates the cow! You blubbering liar! You ate the cow, I didn't even have a cow to kill! Look at my home I doesn't haves a cow! You ates it you ates it!

I am the winner allst the time whenever the time.

completion

completion

things that are perfect:

my backpack

my pencil case

godzilla figurine (debatable)

earphones (after replacement)

SE reflector shield

microphone stand

laptop to TV connection

Michael Kors boxers

fuzzy sweater

notebook/notepad

things that need work:

audio interface

laptop (backup hard drive)

speakers

body (must go box)

voice

clothes in general

sleep schedule

sounds from your mouth

sounds from your mouth

Something's not right. I've been in a slump for the past 26 days. My mind feels down, uninspired and overall just at a halt. Something feels very wrong. I'm not sure what it is. Things feel forced, like a responsibility or obligation. Things don't feel natural or free. Things feel wronged and really sad. I feel chained down to some sort of construct created by myself and those around me. Chained is good word to describe it. Bitterly chained.

And sound?

Am I just tired or are my ears getting numb?
I am not enjoying listening to music anymore.
It's like everything that I hear (and I hear A LOT of music) is just becoming really repetitive, like a formula. These songs are captured in genres, and therefore become very predictable in their structure, ambiance and overall sound.

This is not enjoyable or satisfying. I feel like I'm suffocating ~

slump again

slump again

I wish it would rain more often. I can't seem to conjure up anything good these days. I feel as if I've been wasting the past week of my life doing nothing. Sure, I've started going to school again and came in my dorm, bringing the mic with me as well. Yet, I just can't seem to start writing again. I don't understand. Days fly by so quickly. It's 11 o clock. Before I know it, it's 3:30. And know 6 o clock will come just as quickly as 11 pm. Then 1-3 go by so fast, I scarcely even notice that they happen. Such is time. And there goes another day, 24 hours or less probably less, wasted doing nothing. They say it takes 10,000 hours for one to become a master at one certain subject. I suppose that is the amount of practice and dedication it takes for one to make a great living off what he enjoys doing. 24 hours seems like so much to me. This standby is draining me, making me feel more and more hopeless about tomorrow and the day after.

Thoughts? Who cares about thoughts. I thought so much, I don't even bother writing them down anymore. Care for thoughts? Read my blog like 2 years ago. Thoughts-a-plenty. These days, this blog has just become a catharsis to complain and complain because I don't exactly have friends I can complain to.

Thoughts? I've thought the world about my existence. I've thought so much about purpose, existence, God, life, absence of God, and human characteristics and emotions I feel like I could be a bad psychiatrist or a half assed philosopher. But I can only go so far without experiencing them firsthand because experience puts for an aspect of time that comes by much slower than the finger snap of retrospect.

Ugh, people, ugh life. Ugh blanket statements that say absolutely to nothing.

I'm a fucking nobody. Few people like me, fewer people want to be with me. By golly, I wonder why. Kidding!


Look it's my conscience:

hot dawgs.

hot dawgs.

dude so k, one day I was at a concert for some really irrelevant sad musicians. they were really really really irrelevant and sad musicians so it wasnt very crowded and I was chillin at the front. the dude next to me was eating this hot dawg that looked like it was from costco because it had the trick sneak ass paper that looks like metal on the outside but is actually just paper on the inside. he was like half way done and the sad musician, obviously poor and not getting paid at all at the venue, suddenly leans down and asks him for a bite. first the poor guy was like, what? and so the music man repeat the question. dude im really hungry i didnt eat dinner, i came straight here after working the early night shift at lakota high (which i presume to be a high school nearby). and so dude was like sure man, here you go, but its kosher. and the guy was like whatever, my girlfriend is jewish. so im standing there like what is going on because the background music is clearly playing and there is clearly supposed to be lyrics but this hungry sad musician is just really hungry. so whats worse, ruining all your chances for a future show because you are really hungry or just continueing to be hungry? i dont know man, i just dont know. so the guy takes the hot dawg from the guy after jumping down and munches a big bite. big juicy bite. he chews like three times but then he just started looking really confused and turned next to him and just started throwing up. so im like, wow this is gross because it smelled like nachos and cool ranch doritoes but what worse was the the security guard was actually right there next to him and got thrown up on. im really appalled because i was just invited because my friend just asked me if i wanted to come because there was nothing to on that boring boring summer night. so to recap this sad musican threw up his lunch which presumable made him more hungry and ruined his show and got this huge fat black man really angry at him as well as his band. the hot dawg was apparently normal because the guy was really confused. then i left and went home. didnt eat hot dawgs for a good month.

t-t-t-t-t-ripppyy am i right

Traits

Traits

My life is normal. I live in a very normalized, balanced part of the world. I was born in a time and place where character traits are not measured. Rather, my worth is simplified into a value of economically valuable I am. Traits which would adhere to this principle are ones such as organization, time management, intellect and ability to work hard, regardless what the objective is. These traits are tested through high school and college, and following college I will be given a job that fits my placement in the ranks of others given how valuable my traits are. The higher ability I show, the higher my placement, and consequently a more comfortable living for my presumed spouse, our future children and I. So far, to my own standards, I have performed below my expectations but still above average in the country and world. And yet still, I am just a kid, who studied to get to where he is. My organization, time management, intellect and ability to work hard have proven above average. I have been tested throughout the four years in high school and this found myself where I am now. My organization is okay. I'd say it is above average. My time management skills are below average. My intellect is above average. My ability to work hard is highly dependent on the subject matter. For the most part, it is below average.

Then, are those four traits my worth as a human being? What I have experienced so far in life, I could easily assume so, if given the choice. But of course, I deny it and consistently tell others and myself that my worth far exceeds those four traits.

I find my worth in will. Mental fortitude. Discipline. The ability to fight for what you believe in. Fearlessness. Of course I do better in some categories than others, but my point is that I consider these traits far more important than the four given above. I consistently tell this story to others and myself.

But what of it? It means absolutely nothing to know my strengths alone. Even if I had all the traits I mentioned in full abundance, money and jobs, the two things that seem to determine worth in many people, does to come to me. Rather if I have the four traits of time whatever, then those would make it much easier to rise in a middle class economy. My life is not an anime, neither is it a movie. The traits which I adore so much are rarely tested to show standing in the world, and more rarely seen. There are no blatant moments where I showcase my will by physically dragging myself across the ground to live and die for the ideals I believe in. No. In this life, things happen normally, and if other people see those traits I might get a cookie.

Everybody has a certain amount of strength and fortitude innately built up within them. Some more than others. However to showcase those with the strongest strength and faith, the trails are tremendously painful and difficult. Simply said, I have never encountered such a situation. My middle class life does for heed for it. What could happen? First off, my family and all my friends could die. Maybe I could catch a terminal disease. Perhaps I accidentally kill someone. Perhaps even purposefully. But where is the adverse force? Where is the antagonist I could fight against? It would be absurd to tell someone to fight against death taking your friends and family. Or disease. It is possible, but there is no physical antagonist, nor do I feel like there is an achievable goal in life.

I've said before that I believe a human's primary goals in life are to love God and love others. It is simply not an entirely feasible goal. It's difficult with such an aloof and blanket goal to strive everyday for it, especially when it requires an amazing amount of selflessness. Of course, it still remains the goal, but I am simply stating that I was born in a time and place where they are tested in implied forms.

It's implied that everyone has a given amount of strength, because it is rarely tested. Trails and tribulations are rare in a middle class life. My life is not an anime. It is not a movie. It just happens and its average. Maybe.

I don't yet. Maybe I'm just waiting, preparing for my will to be tested.