checkpoint

checkpoint

Life is good. This is something that has always been understood, even when I had emotional problems. There is absolutely no denying it when I understand what is around me and what has been given to me. The past couple weeks, I've had something of a revelation. Actually, not quite, so because it was not entirely unknown before. Perhaps I'll call it "rediscovery". Life is more than just good, it's exciting. Life is really really exciting. Right now, I'm 20. It may not be all that glamorous, but when I look around me and see the blessings of God in both the opportunities I've been given and the person He has made me to be, I see an unfathomable amount of potential and excitement. It's funny to hear that from a "broke" (my net worth is 0), "homeless" (I live in an apartment my parents are paying for), and "lost" (my English major is useless) person. But I am so excited.

At 20, this is a prime age for anything in the making. It is an age of new responsibilities, but also far less commitments than any other time in our lives. I have no wife, no home payments to make, and absolutely nothing holding me back from doing exactly what I want to do. And some people call this childish, but I do not understand because at 20, I'm a bit too naive to understand what it means to pay mortgage or feed my children.

I feel extremely exciting because I see my situation, and the mind that my childhood has created and I see so much potential. I am excited because I understand all the control that I have from my part is how hard I work and how I manage certain opportunities and commitments. The only excuse I have from my part is that I have not worked hard enough. 

The only thing I am uncertain about is that I do not know how strong I am. Because I grew up from a middle class family in an affulent community  my will has never been fully tested. I never lived hand to mouth, and I never felt what it means to be at the bottom of the food chain. I never had my ego tested to show me how pathetic I am, and even if I say I have, I really haven't. I pray, that whatever happens in the coming few years, no matter what, that my philosophy on life will not falter in a negative way. Things are easy to say when it's all good and I can easily get food on my plate and I think I'm in the top ten percent of the top ten percent of the world. How strong is my will? Only time will tell, and I'm certain that I will know the answer in the next coming years.

Traits needed:

1. Ability to drop all emotional commitment to something isn't working and run the other direction. Give up when necessary.

2. Proactiveness. Ability to TAKE ACTION

3. Discipline

4. Resilience to failure

Things needed for a happy job:

1. Autonomy

2. Passion

3. A direct effort/rewards and results ratio

Don't expect anyone to tell you what to do or give you permission.. Because nobody will.

You don't have to be fully prepared! Reeboks on, I just do it, nxgga.

19

19

Let's say you are a vegan since you were born for 20 years.

I give you this platter of this gorgeous steak. And I says to you,

"Eat this steak, or else I will kill a cow."

Willst you eat it?

This question begs how strong our moral and ethical philosophies are VS. personal pride in stupid shit that don't matter. Like not eating the steak. When push come to shove, you must eat the steak. Or else.

I will kill another cow.

Let's says you says okay, I doesnt wants you to kills a cow. You eats it. Then I looks at you,
and I says

You ates the cow! You blubbering liar! You ate the cow, I didn't even have a cow to kill! Look at my home I doesn't haves a cow! You ates it you ates it!

I am the winner allst the time whenever the time.

completion

completion

things that are perfect:

my backpack

my pencil case

godzilla figurine (debatable)

earphones (after replacement)

SE reflector shield

microphone stand

laptop to TV connection

Michael Kors boxers

fuzzy sweater

notebook/notepad

things that need work:

audio interface

laptop (backup hard drive)

speakers

body (must go box)

voice

clothes in general

sleep schedule

sounds from your mouth

sounds from your mouth

Something's not right. I've been in a slump for the past 26 days. My mind feels down, uninspired and overall just at a halt. Something feels very wrong. I'm not sure what it is. Things feel forced, like a responsibility or obligation. Things don't feel natural or free. Things feel wronged and really sad. I feel chained down to some sort of construct created by myself and those around me. Chained is good word to describe it. Bitterly chained.

And sound?

Am I just tired or are my ears getting numb?
I am not enjoying listening to music anymore.
It's like everything that I hear (and I hear A LOT of music) is just becoming really repetitive, like a formula. These songs are captured in genres, and therefore become very predictable in their structure, ambiance and overall sound.

This is not enjoyable or satisfying. I feel like I'm suffocating ~

slump again

slump again

I wish it would rain more often. I can't seem to conjure up anything good these days. I feel as if I've been wasting the past week of my life doing nothing. Sure, I've started going to school again and came in my dorm, bringing the mic with me as well. Yet, I just can't seem to start writing again. I don't understand. Days fly by so quickly. It's 11 o clock. Before I know it, it's 3:30. And know 6 o clock will come just as quickly as 11 pm. Then 1-3 go by so fast, I scarcely even notice that they happen. Such is time. And there goes another day, 24 hours or less probably less, wasted doing nothing. They say it takes 10,000 hours for one to become a master at one certain subject. I suppose that is the amount of practice and dedication it takes for one to make a great living off what he enjoys doing. 24 hours seems like so much to me. This standby is draining me, making me feel more and more hopeless about tomorrow and the day after.

Thoughts? Who cares about thoughts. I thought so much, I don't even bother writing them down anymore. Care for thoughts? Read my blog like 2 years ago. Thoughts-a-plenty. These days, this blog has just become a catharsis to complain and complain because I don't exactly have friends I can complain to.

Thoughts? I've thought the world about my existence. I've thought so much about purpose, existence, God, life, absence of God, and human characteristics and emotions I feel like I could be a bad psychiatrist or a half assed philosopher. But I can only go so far without experiencing them firsthand because experience puts for an aspect of time that comes by much slower than the finger snap of retrospect.

Ugh, people, ugh life. Ugh blanket statements that say absolutely to nothing.

I'm a fucking nobody. Few people like me, fewer people want to be with me. By golly, I wonder why. Kidding!


Look it's my conscience:

hot dawgs.

hot dawgs.

dude so k, one day I was at a concert for some really irrelevant sad musicians. they were really really really irrelevant and sad musicians so it wasnt very crowded and I was chillin at the front. the dude next to me was eating this hot dawg that looked like it was from costco because it had the trick sneak ass paper that looks like metal on the outside but is actually just paper on the inside. he was like half way done and the sad musician, obviously poor and not getting paid at all at the venue, suddenly leans down and asks him for a bite. first the poor guy was like, what? and so the music man repeat the question. dude im really hungry i didnt eat dinner, i came straight here after working the early night shift at lakota high (which i presume to be a high school nearby). and so dude was like sure man, here you go, but its kosher. and the guy was like whatever, my girlfriend is jewish. so im standing there like what is going on because the background music is clearly playing and there is clearly supposed to be lyrics but this hungry sad musician is just really hungry. so whats worse, ruining all your chances for a future show because you are really hungry or just continueing to be hungry? i dont know man, i just dont know. so the guy takes the hot dawg from the guy after jumping down and munches a big bite. big juicy bite. he chews like three times but then he just started looking really confused and turned next to him and just started throwing up. so im like, wow this is gross because it smelled like nachos and cool ranch doritoes but what worse was the the security guard was actually right there next to him and got thrown up on. im really appalled because i was just invited because my friend just asked me if i wanted to come because there was nothing to on that boring boring summer night. so to recap this sad musican threw up his lunch which presumable made him more hungry and ruined his show and got this huge fat black man really angry at him as well as his band. the hot dawg was apparently normal because the guy was really confused. then i left and went home. didnt eat hot dawgs for a good month.

t-t-t-t-t-ripppyy am i right

Traits

Traits

My life is normal. I live in a very normalized, balanced part of the world. I was born in a time and place where character traits are not measured. Rather, my worth is simplified into a value of economically valuable I am. Traits which would adhere to this principle are ones such as organization, time management, intellect and ability to work hard, regardless what the objective is. These traits are tested through high school and college, and following college I will be given a job that fits my placement in the ranks of others given how valuable my traits are. The higher ability I show, the higher my placement, and consequently a more comfortable living for my presumed spouse, our future children and I. So far, to my own standards, I have performed below my expectations but still above average in the country and world. And yet still, I am just a kid, who studied to get to where he is. My organization, time management, intellect and ability to work hard have proven above average. I have been tested throughout the four years in high school and this found myself where I am now. My organization is okay. I'd say it is above average. My time management skills are below average. My intellect is above average. My ability to work hard is highly dependent on the subject matter. For the most part, it is below average.

Then, are those four traits my worth as a human being? What I have experienced so far in life, I could easily assume so, if given the choice. But of course, I deny it and consistently tell others and myself that my worth far exceeds those four traits.

I find my worth in will. Mental fortitude. Discipline. The ability to fight for what you believe in. Fearlessness. Of course I do better in some categories than others, but my point is that I consider these traits far more important than the four given above. I consistently tell this story to others and myself.

But what of it? It means absolutely nothing to know my strengths alone. Even if I had all the traits I mentioned in full abundance, money and jobs, the two things that seem to determine worth in many people, does to come to me. Rather if I have the four traits of time whatever, then those would make it much easier to rise in a middle class economy. My life is not an anime, neither is it a movie. The traits which I adore so much are rarely tested to show standing in the world, and more rarely seen. There are no blatant moments where I showcase my will by physically dragging myself across the ground to live and die for the ideals I believe in. No. In this life, things happen normally, and if other people see those traits I might get a cookie.

Everybody has a certain amount of strength and fortitude innately built up within them. Some more than others. However to showcase those with the strongest strength and faith, the trails are tremendously painful and difficult. Simply said, I have never encountered such a situation. My middle class life does for heed for it. What could happen? First off, my family and all my friends could die. Maybe I could catch a terminal disease. Perhaps I accidentally kill someone. Perhaps even purposefully. But where is the adverse force? Where is the antagonist I could fight against? It would be absurd to tell someone to fight against death taking your friends and family. Or disease. It is possible, but there is no physical antagonist, nor do I feel like there is an achievable goal in life.

I've said before that I believe a human's primary goals in life are to love God and love others. It is simply not an entirely feasible goal. It's difficult with such an aloof and blanket goal to strive everyday for it, especially when it requires an amazing amount of selflessness. Of course, it still remains the goal, but I am simply stating that I was born in a time and place where they are tested in implied forms.

It's implied that everyone has a given amount of strength, because it is rarely tested. Trails and tribulations are rare in a middle class life. My life is not an anime. It is not a movie. It just happens and its average. Maybe.

I don't yet. Maybe I'm just waiting, preparing for my will to be tested.

bitches

bitches

How many bitches do i know... I'm not sure. Hm

Retrospectively, in an honest reflection of myself, I'd have to say I clearly overlooked your unbelievably bland and flabby personality because I was overwhelmed by the power of a push-up bra when I saw you. It reminds me of the time I went to that strip club and was completely seduced by this drugged out latina chick who made me semi-want latina porn for the first time. Thanks for giving me the courage to really understand the ridiculous number of boring and colorless korean-american sluts that really get old too fast. Who knows, maybe in a couple years you may be that one stooped over a rice cooker with a husband that comes home 9 p.m. every night slightly buzzed and reeking of soju. But probably not, you 'educated'. Even then, the best you can do is probably become a nurse or secretary to some low end CEO of a small private firm. You cool though, do your thang girl, one day make up wont be able to hide that bland ass face that matches your personality so damn perfectly

Retrospectively, in an honest reflection of myself, I'd have to say I never knew what a bitch silly annoying dick munch you were. I'd have to say, for a clouded moment in my high school life, I thought of you as someone good. But that time I clearly overlooked your flat scrunchy pygmy-structured face and 2 inch diameter gaping asshole. I never really knew what a 'bitch' really was till I met you. Sure I've met some silly ass cunts in the past that really had sense I couldn't buy with a penny, that got excited because they realized one day vagina's had more use than peeing out of, or other silly insecure attention begging party slobs, but man, oh, man, you're a bitch. Is that an understatement? I tend to say the word bitch a lot. If I could make up a word that meant "ten times the normal bitches I meet" I would. You're like, permaperioded, man. Gotdam every time I think about your ugly ass face my hand inadvertently comes and hits my face. My nose hurts, dawg.

I'll talk about some more bitches and maybe some bitch-ass motherfuckers later.

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

w.t.f

w.t.f

where can i lay my distress down or

how can i at least have some inner peace

and what does it mean

to… i don't know. be me?

there are sometime when i 

hate

everything.

forget it. this is

useless.

clueless

k ?

?

Creed

Creed

The incomplete and imperfect nature of my life and that which surrounds me makes me strive — and less hope — for a significance with principle, dignity, and love that I can can die satisfied to see the unaccomplished fragments of, than dream to see the perfection which remains elusive

Of my dreams
Of my love
And of my glory.

*                              *                              *


A great person must know his principles inside out, like the palm of his hand. When given certain circumstances, he must always abide by these principles. He must know how to apply them in the most wisest sense in any given situation.

Every time a certain principle is not abided to, that is wasted time and wasted effort/energy. What's worse than this is having no rigid principle or not knowing one at all. Then nearly all time, effort and energy is wasted because there is no path or principle to follow.

What makes a character great is his adherence to the principles he keep at heart. Those who do not have principles, or faulted ones, are the most mediocre, most tenuous, most bland, and insubstantial characters.