certainty

certainty

I like to start off my posts with a pretentious blanket statement, something cliché, but inevitability true.
Here it is: we live in a place where we try to make the uncertain certain. And so we say and do things that don't make sense. We are afraid of leaving the future up in the air, because then we are vulnerable to failure. And to us, vulnerability is weakness, vulnerability should be avoided. So it feels better to make things seem certain even when they are not, so we can hide our vulnerabilities.

I still have qualms about this whole vulnerability thing, because i have this terrible affliction for it, and I enjoy numbing it, sometimes consequently the joy that may follow. Let me give you an example of making the uncertain certain: I want to be with you forever. Those are couple words, but are they even close to valid? Sure you may feel it, but why do you feel it? It's because you are afraid of vulnerability. It's because as people afraid of vulnerability, we have this desire for controlling and predicting  How did I come across this conclusion?

I'll break down that sentence for you. I want to be with you forever. So you want to get married and have kids? Maybe you want to rot with each other? And then they may say something like, well I don't usually like think of marriage: wait stop. So you don't want to be with each other forever? Then why say it?

It's because that word: forever. It put's this pretense of certainty on something that is better left uncertain. We can pretend about certain things, but that dismisses the integrity of the emotion.

BEST FRIENDS FOREVAAAA AWW I LOVE YOU FOREVER ILL BE WITH YOU FOREVER

And that my friends, is the prime example of insecurity (shut the fuck up). Do you understand where I am getting at? You have to embrace the uncertainty to feel the real and to uphold the integrity of the relationship. And what's more important than that is you have to be willing to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to say I love you first. You have to be willing to love with whole hearts even when there is uncertainty.

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Oh, hello, I'm back. That was my inner therapist talking. UGH FUCK what the FUCK
Im such a wrathful person FUCKIN GOTDAMIT FUCK i hate being vulnerable UGH