afflictions and shit

afflictions and shit

Why do I have problems? Flaws, inconsistencies, foolishness and bullshit. If I recognize flaws and sin, I should want to get away from them as fast as possible right? No, shit don't really work that way. For some reason, I'm driven to my sin. It's like my mind has some sort of compass that always pushes it to some sadness, anger, or other terrible affliction. This is truly some senseless shit. Saddening, saddening, senseless bullshit. If it's hard to deal with myself, then how will other people close to me deal with me? iono, fuck. It's as if the human mind is unable to fully hate it's flaws, and I'm drawn to them everyday at some point in time where I just want to do terrible things to people and cause anguish and pain. Know why? It's cause you can't ever take back anguish and pain. Once it's afflicted, it leaves a scar, a memory that will never go away. And if I can't make that go away, then I'll give them the same, like karma and hope that the pain will burn just like the others. Bullshit people with their bullshit sayings and shit. Bullshit people really deserve pain and suffering. If you're not helping people or surpassing those before you, burn. Fuck your self centered happiness and bullshit, really fucking burn. It's really a rare occasion when I want people to burn in hell, because it's terrible in every respect, but fuck, those words are so tempting sometimes.

It's just one of those things I can't really get rid of. As much as I hate this feeling, I can't let go of it, because it's much easier to let hate run free than to absolve it with forgiveness. And sometimes, I'm too much of a prideful bitch to do it. iono man, it's such foolishness. Human brain bedridden with foolishness, unable to repair itself.

sins:
wrath
pride
lust
sloth
envy

One thing leads to another, and snowballs into something terrible. A little indulgence feels okay, and then it just spirals down and down. The more I think about it, the bigger the problem grows and grows. My head feels like it's spinning and I can't get shit done. Depressing and convoluted post. Gotta deal with it or else I'm just gonna end up hurting myself or the people around me.

ps. nobody give a fuck about being second. being best at being second is still fucking second. ugh fuck it i dont even know im saying. i want to be first. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck isnt there a better word than fuck fuck fuck