my conscience state of mind

my conscience state of mind

I am a very conflicted person. I don't have any peace at heart, everything is at unrest. I am uneasy about the future, unsure about the past. I am lost in everything around me, and as I try to make sense of it, everything passes me by. I lost my appetite these days. I can't eat a meal without feeling like I am going to throw up. I can't even bear the sight of food sometimes. This probably stems from my insecurities or inner turmoil. My inner turmoil comes from the fact that I try to think about everything, and I can't let small things pass me by. This is because I am too clenched on control. I want to control aspects of my life that can't have control over them. And when things start to fall out of control, I lose it and usually enter depression or rage. This deep seated rage affects the people around me. When I try to control everything, I try to find answer for all possible problems that may appear. This applies to personality, friends, girls, and college. But when I find a question that I think I have the answer to, but I am wrong, I am dumbfounded. I don't know what to do, so in that state of utter confusion, I collapse and go into a mental cringe. I am not nice to all people. Sometimes, I judge other people and look down on them. I do things to other people I shouldn't do. I could have taken back the time I dissed Andy. Or just the times when I hated someone. I ignore people I find distaste in, diss people that I feel are undeserving and untalented. I also try to please too many people. I try to uphold an image of myself that is not entirely me. Only those that are truly close to me, know that I am different, and not very cool. I don't understand why I have fans. It bothers me because they hold an image of me that is not me. Some people look up to me, but they do not know me, and shouldn't look up to me. When I look at myself, it's not the same person that other people see. I am lost in what I want to be to other people. I want to impress people that I want to be close to, but I end up becoming fake, a silhouette of who I actually am. When I fail, I am perplexed, because failure perplexes me. I don't want to fail, and I don't know how to face failure. When the girl I like doesn't respond to my call or text I don't know what to do. I am the type of person that will put everything aside to pursue a goal, but when I find a setback that doesn't go according to plan, I fallout. I can't stand not being able to stop thinking. It puts too much pressure on me. I can't please both sides of my identity because I know that is impossible. Sometimes, snap and relapse to the people closest to me. When I look around me, I see people on a different level of understanding than me. I try to fit in, but it usually doesn't work out like that. I have an awkward sensibility to people I don't know. I struggle to think like them and find common ground, but usually there is no common ground. Thus, I have a small number of people I can call my friends. I don't talk to people that I have no common ground with, because I can't. Sometimes I don't want to because conform to them, but deep inside, I want to be loved. I can not be loved if I do not love others. I am a contradiction of who I am. I don't like the way things work in life. I love the ideas of sacrifice, balance, and justice, but I detest them when I must adhere to their code. I love the idea of karma as well, but hate it when everything that I do wrong unto others comes back to me. I treated people badly, and perhaps all those things are coming back to me. I want to be a hero to everyone, but I can't because I am not a hero. Everything I want is shadowed by the fact that nothing I want is right. When I see other people succeed, I am jealous; jealousy is the cousin of success to me. I want to take revenge on things where vengeance is not the answer. I want to see people fail, but I want to succeed. I indulge in there failures. I hate people that don't get what they deserve. I hate people that don't adhere to my code of intelligence. I hate people that love the world. Sometimes, I want to set fire to the school, but I am not willing to take the consequences. I am not willing to bear the burdens of the lives I would have ruined. I am weak. I wonder if I can even take steps forward to do what I want, because I question my will. I am scared of limitless possibilities. Those two ideas don't coincide well with each other. I squander the love of others around me, and seek for the love of others that don't matter. I say things I don't mean. I honestly want drink, but I don't want to be a hypocrite and disappointed others. I have moral obligations as well. I say things that I wish I could mean but never hold any solid foundations. I say things like, I will do this, I will definitely do this, I will seize the day, I will succeed, but I end up unfulfilled and empty. I really want to go into a waterfall and find inner peace. My mind tosses and turns over everything. In all, I hate everything that I believe in, I am not willing to take the consequences of action and the burden of commitment. I can't commit to things. Once I commit, I am lost in what I could have done, or what should have been done. I envy those who are more talented and sometimes, I feel weak and insignificant in comparison. I want to be a kid forever, without worries, but at the same time, I want to be an adult. But I don't want obligations, I don't want anything to tie me down. Everything that I do has wrong intentions. I want to better myself, for other people. I want to dress nice, for other people. I want to be cool, for other people. In that scheme of things, there is no room for my personal self to flourish and grow. I am encased in the embodiment of everyone else around me. I want to succeed but I don't want to ever fail. So because of that, I am usually not able to take the step to succeed in the first place. I want to downplay my talent because I don't like criticisms that are necessary for my growth as an artist. When my dad asks me to change for the better, I don't because I don't want to. I try to win a paradoxical argument, so I end up losing everything in the end. I wish life was a movie, but its not. Even if it was, I would never be able to become the protagonist. When I see people that are pure of heart, I want to cry because I relish in my arrogance. I relish in the idea that I am better than other people. I know what I look like, and sometimes that leads to more arrogance, arrogance that is misstated and weak. I know there is no truth in appearance, but I try to twist that truth to make it work for my advantage. I know very well that appearances deceive, but I end up chasing after exactly that. I want to be deceived, so that I can be fulfilled. I feel sorry for whoever has to deal with myself in the future, so I hope that by that time, I can change. I am undeserving of everything I have, but in my arrogance place myself higher than I should be. I try to make sense of who I am, and try to stretch what things are so that maybe I have a better grasp of what is around me. But life is so simple, everything is before me. What I try to do is a futile attempt of compensation, because I feel cheated in life, when I have been dealt fairly. Forgive me of my faults, and I will forgive the faults of others. I will be more accepting, and more adhering to the reality of the situation. I want to be a better person. I am not healthy. I am not strong. I may be arrogant, but I can not back it up. I am not entirely happy. It only lasts a short time. I want to change so badly. I want to be nicer to others. I'm sorry for everything. This is my conscience state of being. I can't sell out to the world. Truth of who I am. I really want to regret nothing. Hard to read? I did that on purpose, because I don't care anymore.