Traits

Traits

My life is normal. I live in a very normalized, balanced part of the world. I was born in a time and place where character traits are not measured. Rather, my worth is simplified into a value of economically valuable I am. Traits which would adhere to this principle are ones such as organization, time management, intellect and ability to work hard, regardless what the objective is. These traits are tested through high school and college, and following college I will be given a job that fits my placement in the ranks of others given how valuable my traits are. The higher ability I show, the higher my placement, and consequently a more comfortable living for my presumed spouse, our future children and I. So far, to my own standards, I have performed below my expectations but still above average in the country and world. And yet still, I am just a kid, who studied to get to where he is. My organization, time management, intellect and ability to work hard have proven above average. I have been tested throughout the four years in high school and this found myself where I am now. My organization is okay. I'd say it is above average. My time management skills are below average. My intellect is above average. My ability to work hard is highly dependent on the subject matter. For the most part, it is below average.

Then, are those four traits my worth as a human being? What I have experienced so far in life, I could easily assume so, if given the choice. But of course, I deny it and consistently tell others and myself that my worth far exceeds those four traits.

I find my worth in will. Mental fortitude. Discipline. The ability to fight for what you believe in. Fearlessness. Of course I do better in some categories than others, but my point is that I consider these traits far more important than the four given above. I consistently tell this story to others and myself.

But what of it? It means absolutely nothing to know my strengths alone. Even if I had all the traits I mentioned in full abundance, money and jobs, the two things that seem to determine worth in many people, does to come to me. Rather if I have the four traits of time whatever, then those would make it much easier to rise in a middle class economy. My life is not an anime, neither is it a movie. The traits which I adore so much are rarely tested to show standing in the world, and more rarely seen. There are no blatant moments where I showcase my will by physically dragging myself across the ground to live and die for the ideals I believe in. No. In this life, things happen normally, and if other people see those traits I might get a cookie.

Everybody has a certain amount of strength and fortitude innately built up within them. Some more than others. However to showcase those with the strongest strength and faith, the trails are tremendously painful and difficult. Simply said, I have never encountered such a situation. My middle class life does for heed for it. What could happen? First off, my family and all my friends could die. Maybe I could catch a terminal disease. Perhaps I accidentally kill someone. Perhaps even purposefully. But where is the adverse force? Where is the antagonist I could fight against? It would be absurd to tell someone to fight against death taking your friends and family. Or disease. It is possible, but there is no physical antagonist, nor do I feel like there is an achievable goal in life.

I've said before that I believe a human's primary goals in life are to love God and love others. It is simply not an entirely feasible goal. It's difficult with such an aloof and blanket goal to strive everyday for it, especially when it requires an amazing amount of selflessness. Of course, it still remains the goal, but I am simply stating that I was born in a time and place where they are tested in implied forms.

It's implied that everyone has a given amount of strength, because it is rarely tested. Trails and tribulations are rare in a middle class life. My life is not an anime. It is not a movie. It just happens and its average. Maybe.

I don't yet. Maybe I'm just waiting, preparing for my will to be tested.

bitches

bitches

How many bitches do i know... I'm not sure. Hm

Retrospectively, in an honest reflection of myself, I'd have to say I clearly overlooked your unbelievably bland and flabby personality because I was overwhelmed by the power of a push-up bra when I saw you. It reminds me of the time I went to that strip club and was completely seduced by this drugged out latina chick who made me semi-want latina porn for the first time. Thanks for giving me the courage to really understand the ridiculous number of boring and colorless korean-american sluts that really get old too fast. Who knows, maybe in a couple years you may be that one stooped over a rice cooker with a husband that comes home 9 p.m. every night slightly buzzed and reeking of soju. But probably not, you 'educated'. Even then, the best you can do is probably become a nurse or secretary to some low end CEO of a small private firm. You cool though, do your thang girl, one day make up wont be able to hide that bland ass face that matches your personality so damn perfectly

Retrospectively, in an honest reflection of myself, I'd have to say I never knew what a bitch silly annoying dick munch you were. I'd have to say, for a clouded moment in my high school life, I thought of you as someone good. But that time I clearly overlooked your flat scrunchy pygmy-structured face and 2 inch diameter gaping asshole. I never really knew what a 'bitch' really was till I met you. Sure I've met some silly ass cunts in the past that really had sense I couldn't buy with a penny, that got excited because they realized one day vagina's had more use than peeing out of, or other silly insecure attention begging party slobs, but man, oh, man, you're a bitch. Is that an understatement? I tend to say the word bitch a lot. If I could make up a word that meant "ten times the normal bitches I meet" I would. You're like, permaperioded, man. Gotdam every time I think about your ugly ass face my hand inadvertently comes and hits my face. My nose hurts, dawg.

I'll talk about some more bitches and maybe some bitch-ass motherfuckers later.

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

w.t.f

w.t.f

where can i lay my distress down or

how can i at least have some inner peace

and what does it mean

to… i don't know. be me?

there are sometime when i 

hate

everything.

forget it. this is

useless.

clueless

k ?

?

Creed

Creed

The incomplete and imperfect nature of my life and that which surrounds me makes me strive — and less hope — for a significance with principle, dignity, and love that I can can die satisfied to see the unaccomplished fragments of, than dream to see the perfection which remains elusive

Of my dreams
Of my love
And of my glory.

*                              *                              *


A great person must know his principles inside out, like the palm of his hand. When given certain circumstances, he must always abide by these principles. He must know how to apply them in the most wisest sense in any given situation.

Every time a certain principle is not abided to, that is wasted time and wasted effort/energy. What's worse than this is having no rigid principle or not knowing one at all. Then nearly all time, effort and energy is wasted because there is no path or principle to follow.

What makes a character great is his adherence to the principles he keep at heart. Those who do not have principles, or faulted ones, are the most mediocre, most tenuous, most bland, and insubstantial characters.

people

people

There are good people. There are also bad people. But there doesn't seem to be many great people. There doesn't seem to be people of any magnitude. Good or bad, everyone is a stale wonder bread.

People I care about:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
People I don't care about:
x10^n
People I don't care enough to dislike:
x10^n
People I dislike:
x
People I'd like to kill:
xx

Counterparts Pt. 1: The Mind

Counterparts Pt. 1: The Mind

Whereas the ability to rationalize is a blessing, mankind's costliest error was in that he had the conceit to assume these personal "rational" judgements upon the unknown, and consequently in doing so: other rational beings (though their entitlement to these judgements maybe questioned, as is my own). It is a common assumption that mankind has always been terribly afflicted by emotional turmoil, but even in an emotionless state, our imagination does not retain the ability to intellectually encompass some of the larger questions in life. Why are we here? What is our purpose? Why do I wake up and presume daily life in such an innocuous manner? Religion, philosophy and lifestyle are examples of the pride man has asserted upon his own kind, which had lead to countless massacres and disgusting acts of sin. However, when we let go of this conceit, what do we have left? Would we be free to live in peace with others, and more importantly, would be left further in the dark, or become more enlightened?

We cannot understand certain things. This is a basic and most obvious fact. We rest on levels of uncertainty we as people would not have the humility to admit. Your God? Despite the ravings of religious fanatics and 'certain' godly men, it is the most humblest assertion to know that it is, by nature, very uncertain that there is a God at all. Your life? Despite the outrageous bickering of those around us, much of what we do is based on a very shortsighted measure, one that deals only on a daily, perhaps weekly, maybe yearly basis. We are shortsighted to the point of being blind. Perhaps in rare moments of epiphany we can come to realize something of greater value, but these moments fade to black as the monotony of day-to-day basis takes over inevitably. What is our purpose? It is obvious that perhaps almost all of us humans fail to meet this, or even come close to the point of understanding this purpose. Yet, to each his own, humankind has its nihilists, its absurdists, its existentialists, its fervent, its graceful, and 'seemingly purposeful'. But the very idea that the idea of purpose has multiple facets to different people shows that we are a much unenlightened peoples, and in fact as a whole, we do not understand our purpose. Could I even ask for the audacity to even assume that one exists? Nevertheless, my point is that it is uncertain.

For life and thinking itself to based on principles so uncertain as this, why is it that our pride pushes one another to assume that he is right? More obviously than people think: there is no right if everything is uncertain. Tell me, what is certain? Some have gone so far away from reality that they proclaim that life is but a dream. Nihilists say nothing matters, and to an extent they are true. Out of the three modern philosophies I mentioned (nihilism, absurdism, and existentially) I would probably say that absurdism is more correct than the other two. Perhaps even more correct that monotheistic existentialism, because that too assumes that such a God exists. But without proof what is there? Perhaps faith, which is what I take to be my safety, but not much else. Everything is more or less just a maybe. I can say the world is absurd, but then I would be hasty, rather it is more or less unreasonable.

So then, am I allowed the conceit  by moral standards, to assume my own purpose (if everything is uncertain and things such as purposes only exist on individual, uncertain levels)? I mean, I have ethics, and it would be futile to say no, so out of respect for my existence, I would like to say yes. Only out of respect that I live as one capable of rational though (as limited as it may be) and that perhaps, just perhaps, there is a higher power governing and judging my rights and wrongs. Why? Perhaps because although it is uncertain, following the game of Pascal's wager, I would rather live as if a God existed by faith alone and die to find out that there is none, than to live without such thought and die to face a judgment I had once assumed was non-existent.

SO, if I can assume my own purpose, I should do it now, as soon as possible, and keep that longsighted philosophy as close to me as possible, should I not? Because with this, my happiness and joy would be the harmony I have longed to look for in which the thoughts I think and the life I live. I shall not search for happiness, but rather search for harmony in the God I believe in by faith alone, and my actions, which shall supersede the human race by one of the two following things: to surpass those before me and to help others. And to love and to aspire for things I know not of. I am not entitled to much else, and it would not be wise to do so.

That is all.

absurd advice

absurd advice

Why, oh, why would I go out of my way to meet a person of thickly smeared absence of personality, and dull, tedious, and powdered lifestyle? Life is too short to create heroi-comical mishaps dealing with minuscule people. Look, french romances are only french (well, perhaps italian) romances because the personalities are vibrant and possessed enough to take the risks to love without knowing and die together without reason. That's why some people are absolutely incapable of having french romances (amorous sigh). This is how protected lifestyles that beget neither interesting stories nor ambigious experiences are born.

the devil cupid

the devil cupid

the word love is something like an ethereal solvent that dissolves into the air because lust demons and flawed emotions are too damned loud for such a soft and delicate instrument to exist and play with integrity. moreover, amongst other words, despite countless oppositions and petitions to this tragic misfortuned distortion of the word, rationality never once had the voice to speak up against the incessant squeal of emotion and her pleas, so such will be left so as long as people have the hearts to be tainted and bodies to be pleasured. such is life, but as a being of 'preferred' rationality i find it obtrusive for my embodiment of the word to be placed in the same caliber of emotions from men forever caught in the phallic stage of their growth and the subsequent mindless women who consent to their hedonistic and quite pitiable emotional flings and other such tom foolery. the diction is flawed, the speech -- loose, (as the women are) and consequently the fragile word doesn't have a place in such a sharp and blaringly colorless unrefined time. the word is too subtle for people without the patience to understand it. like a delicate bird, it would be crushed before it has a chance to fly away. From lack of good sense and virtue, great indignation for the lack of distinction between love, that which should be placed on the level of God, and infatuation, little peasant things.

I love you like air

I love you like air

The word love is cheap. You could probably buy it with a drink and a few sweet words. The definition of love has been cheapened down. It doesn't mean much anymore. It's not divine, neither is it sacred. When fucking teens feel strong romantic emotions when they get carried away, they can assume love is the emotion at play, because their vocabulary is audacious and pretentious enough to use the word "love" rather than "strong infatuation", "lustful romance" or any other more realistic term. It feels better and gives the emotions certainty and security, where without the word, they would be uncertain and stay aloof. It cements the cracks of loneliness and affirms sense of togetherness and belongingness so easily, that phrase "I love you" does, without any reason or solid foundation than "feelings" alone. It's like the Krispy Kreme donut diet of the English language. It's still a diet, but it's donuts for fuck's sake

Consequently, it doesn't mean much anymore. When people fuck, they make "love". And I love you's can come from the emptiest places. They can have temporary residence in foreign places when they want to. Apparently love can have no depth too, the reason for this being that love is subjective. Love, as people have twisted the English language, doesn't have to mean jack shit.

I've always understood the word love to embody the highest form of human to human interaction, beyond the physical, embodying a patient, kind and selfless gesture towards someone. But now it doesn't really have to. Love can now be a taking act, where shallow, yet comfortable emotions can embody a 75% physical lust and 25% desire to fill in holes of loneliness. Now, great for everyone, everyone can love with little to no effort. When you feel it, or think you feel strong emotions, you can just use it. You can just buy the use of the word like you do any other commodity. There is absolutely no understanding of the word necessary to use it. I mean, by their nature, words and feelings are subjective to people and feelings change. I feel strong emotions. I'd fuck you exclusively. I love you.

It's kind of like giving an high schooler a paint brush because he thinks Picasso looks nice. And then when he paints something, you put his painting right next to the Picasso in the art museum. By right of using a paintbrush, his painting belongs there.

I love you. Shit, if it was that cheap, I'd buy it too, but it's worthless now. It's definition now pales in comparison to the definition it once held. The definition of love now doesn't mean jack shit. It's like a temporary replacement for the loneliness that drives people insane and insecure. Gotdam, I would assume that it feels good to hear those words, regardless of whether or not they are real or not. But as if it matters. It don't mean jack shit anyway. Because people don't have the patience, intelligence, rationality, and selflessness to utilize some words of the English language properly, some of the English language has become worthless. Especially the word love. It's almost worthless.

The real embodiment of love would be better left unsaid because the word that's meant to carry the meaning is now just a fraud and a scam. A fraud and a scam. The reason being that you can't hold double standards for the same word, once a scam, always a scam.

english motherfucker do u speak it

english motherfucker do u speak it

There must be those who do not understand the English language. Those should be mute, lips sealed shut, deaf and dumb for the rest of their lives. The moment they utter a word as truth, the English language has become a fraud and all thought, poetry, literature, and music become invalid. A good amount of the human populace speak with a unenlightened tounge. Call me self righteous, call me arrogant, but do the intelligent a favor and let the small meddle with the small please. They're like little ants, people are.They grab the rock in front of them and march on to the drumbeat set by the footsteps ahead of them. People can be small. Insignificant and moved by other insignificant people. They find joy and heartbreak in the smallest of things, little midgets of souls. lost lost lost

And i am running movie sequences of murder in my head as I attempt to fall asleep. alibi alibi alibi

How can one find joy and peace admist folly and reason? Fraud. I am not even searching for joy and peace as the heart is naturally inclined for misery. Unless somebody can convince me otherwise, the English language is a sickening fraud.