permanent byes

permanent byes

Permanent byes are a little more different. Permanent byes don’t necessarily mean that you never say hi to that person again, but rather that you sever those emotional ties inside you to that person. You don’t necessarily say goodbye to that person, but you say good bye to the possibility of positive emotional connection with that person again. But often times, it’s better that way, because parting with emotional connections means that you part with both the positive and negative connections. Although new negative emotions may take their place, it’s often a placeholder for new chances and a willingness to take the risk for something more positive — for you and the other person. It’s hard but a better choice if negative things keep occurring, even if happy moments and real deep care is present. You wonder, is it possible to find that again? Maybe, maybe not, but probably yes.

People are so funny that these emotional connections mean so much to us and parting ways finds such a deeply rooted place within your brain and heart. Anxiety and stuff is overwhelming and the risk for new chances might be averted by the possibility of reoccurrence. But i think most of us want to find “the one” anyway and letting go of someone who “might be the one” seems like a reckless maneuver. Because who knows? Growing older has taught me that friends and close connections become slightly more scarce with each coming year and the idea and fear that “the one” might not be in my near future is troubling, perplexing and eminent.

We all do things to survive. We lie, we tell jokes, we laugh at other jokes even when they’re not funny — all this to survive. We have to survive, above all. Sometimes, although relationships have love in them, we are actually just dying. Slowly, casually, every time the same argument comes about and you think it’s fixed but it’s not and you just realize the unmalleable nature of people in general, there is pain that reminds us that sometimes we aren’t made for each other. In order to survive and be happy, sometimes escape is the better solution.

temporary byes

temporary byes

There’s a moment when you’ve been with a person so long and when it’s time to say goodbye, and you don’t want to, but you have to, and it feels like you’re losing a part of yourself. It doesn’t have to be a large part, the point is that it’s a part of you. Normally, we keep these parts to ourself every sacred-like, because normally when we meet other people, there’s a huge sense of restrain when giving parts of yourself away. In these situations you get them back, but when you’re saying goodbye to here-said-person-couple-sentences-before, you are parting with a part of yourself a bit bigger than that. Essentially a part of you, because those memories you’ve spent with that person are meaningful and have value to you. That moment, right when you say good bye, and you’re walking out of the train station and you feel so lonely. Not necessarily melancholy, but more like: oh, I’m back here again, back in real life. Because, normally real-life has a dull sense of loneliness to it. Even though it can be lessened by chatting and what not, it’s a type of loneliness you can’t really learn to cope with, because it has to be remedied through physical contact. In most scenarios, when you say goodbye like that, you will see each other again, even if it’s a bit of a ways off. You look next to you and there’s no one there and you talk to yourself and you’re surprised that no one’s listening. The air suddenly feels a bit more brisk, as does the bright light of the morning. And off you go, back into the world that made you cherish those moment so much, because they were so foreign to you.

joyful

joyful

Wanting to escape from something means that you want to be somewhere else.

I didn’t know what I wanted to escape. In high school, I found my solace long ago in foreign streets, where I wouldn’t be hindered by anyone telling me what to do. It was a simple, express freedom. Sometimes I would relieve stress in other ways, escaping through rebellion or whatnot. Now, although those freedoms are at liberty to me and I can go where ever I want, I still feel like I want to escape. it wasn’t always clear what I had to escape. This sort of desire to escape these days feel like the need to make money, or to live in a house. I want to be prominent or worthy. I want to make my family and peers proud, as well as having nameless faces look up to me. Other times, I want to escape loneliness. Not so vivid, it’s a dull emotion that I feel these days. However, something very deep within me tells me that one day, when I have all those things which I want today, that I would still feel that emptiness in my soul. For me, “wanting to escape” or “escapism” is just another way to say I want to fill the emptiness of my soul. I know I am at least partially an empty person because I don’t feel any lasting joy in my life.

What I really want to do is feel joy and be happy. What I really want to escape from is the emptiness of my own soul. Sometimes I fill this emptiness with temporary things that make me feel temporarily good. I get drunk, I smile and laugh, I enjoy time with peers and family. However, there is a dull throb within me that desires some deeper sense of emotional satisfaction and inner peace. This is not to say I’m not grateful, because I am. I feel deeply indebted to everyone around me for everything. But the problem lies within myself, because I know that what I have will not change or affect this emptiness I feel within.

I feel like I belong too closely within this world. I am already accustomed to it’s daily conventions. Years go by in the form of wandering hours. I desire things which I know won’t give me joy, but rather comfort or an ego boost. Relationships seem like a way to escape loneliness because that place with someone else, regardless of who they are, seems better than where I am by myself. But I know what I really want to escape is this emptiness in my self.

I am an empty person. I must be, because my happiness is governed by my surroundings. Inside, there is no real me which is happy or sad. My emotions are a byproduct of what goes around me, or a realization of this emptiness in itself. I think that this emptiness will subside in the near future because I will accomplish my goals and feel good and be with amazing people. But I know it will not, because the human is so adept at becoming used to circumstances. and reverting back to the mean primary emotion.

You can escape life by killing yourself. It is an irreparable move in which you escape, but causes everyone around you to feel sadness and loss. In a way you transfer your escapist tendencies into sadness to those around you. You escape life because it is too hard to bear and you realize that although things might get better, you won’t and maybe don’t deserve to be. Fear not friends, I would never kill myself because although I am not brave, I do think I will not always be empty. You cannot find peace by avoiding life. Instead of emptiness, you might find blackness — an unknown which might potentially be much worse than emptiness.

Innate sense tells me that I can find joy in God. However, I have not found it because my hope lies not in a desires for a heaven or salvation, but that things around me will get better. In many senses, although I have the capacity to rationally understand my place in relation to God, I choose not to, because I am a sensual person. I want to feel money, ownership, and accomplishments because those will make me feel good. I am cheating myself out of true joy because of this.

I don’t hate myself. I like who I am. It is not amazing but it could be a lot worse. And I sit here, knowing that no matter what I do, these hours will pass around me and go forth even I choose not to. I could sit here and do nothing for the rest of my life if I choose. But I want to be somewhere else —this is the nature of escape after all. But to where? Is fulfillment of soul found in a place? Perhaps in people or love. Or maybe it doesn’t exist and everyone joyful is pretending to be happy. I don’t think so, but it’s a possibility that the natural state for a person is unbelonging. Truthfully, I don’t feel like I belong. I want to be somewhere else, both mentally, spiritually and physically. Self betterment, whatever. But my mind will revert back to it’s emptiness. Not perhaps in the bitter and angry moments of my adolescence, but maybe duller. More boring and trite. The dullness of my emotions I attribute to this.

I value my life as well. I think I live very privileged and find myself a casually intellectual and fair person. Does something have to happen to get me to understand myself better? It is possible to push a human into forcing himself to understand himself. But there is no force in my life. Just the constant feeling of under accomplishment and desire for worth.

A statement I live by is: it’s not what you do, it’s how you live it. This means it’s not what or whose life you live, it’s how you live it. It’s not who you date or what your job is, but how you love and how you work which has importance. I already know, it’s not what I do that’s important, but how. But every ‘how’ is only as strong as it’s ‘why’. Why do you love, why do you work, why do you live, why do you breath, why do i write, why do I want to be happy will be the guiding principles behind how will i love, how will i work live breath or be happy.

All I know right now is that I want to be joyful. I have determined that this is more important than being great because greatness will only be great to me if I find joy in doing it. Everyone has their own perspectives of greatness but I have found mine. It is true that I want to be great, both for the world and for myself. However, being joyful in what I do is something I wish to communicate greatness through.

I don’t drink or do stupid shit because I hate myself either. It’s just a natural reaction to desire to be somewhere else. However, understanding where I want to escape to will be a worthwhile investment for myself.

all positive vibes

all positive vibes

One of the ways I know I am lacking in my spiritual life is because I do not feel a lasting sense of joy in my life. Although I am momentarily happy here and there depending on who I'm with and what I'm doing, overall I don't feel any sort of peace within myself. On a wide variety of levels, I am in discord with myself and my situation. And yet, even still, I don't feel angry or fearful. I really feel nothing much of the time.

I often wonder if I lack depth as a human. I desire to feel vivid and penetrating emotions, but emotions are brought about through outside change. This outside change lies beyond my control. Something must happen for me to feel something about it, whether it is in retrospect or in the moment. Yet, I am so quick to forget and let go of the past, the emotions I feel only linger for a moment. Feeling anger, sadness, happiness, etc. are what makes me feel alive. These days, my emotive plate seems somewhat drab. The lack of vivid emotions these days make the days tasteless and droning.

I remembering feeling differently. I vaguely remember a constant emotion during parts of my life. Feeling repressed, frustrated, angry, sad, heartbroken, anxious or whatever. Things would happen which would affect me deeply, and I would feel things. Feeling those things made me feel alive. It had nothing to do with my purpose or any sentiment of depth, but simply reminded me that I was a living person. A soul or vigorous spirit that exists within the present time. I know I am still that, I just don't feel like it right now.

sine waves

sine waves

I feel the most comfortable with myself when I'm creating something. It gives me the feeling that I'm progressing and growing. In some sense, progress validates my existence and that gives me positive vibes. Other times, when I'm just fucking around I get positive vibes in a different way. It's not so much joyful times that I feel when I'm with my friends and hanging out, but more so times of escape and release.

Good art is a series of well deliberated tensions and releases. Music is just tension and release with different sounds and harmonies. Most things in life are also a series of tensions and releases. You build tension and it releases. In all realms things can be simplified down into sine waves, because nothing is constantly good or bad. Because of the relative nature we experience things, nothing can constantly always be good, this is why we experience things as sine waves. The positivity I feel when creating is reinforced by weekend releases. If I hold the tension too long, I become tired.

I think a charismatic person is someone who can maintain very strong tensions and have outlandish releases as well. People with a greater command and understanding of this concept tend to understand more about themselves and other people as well. Most things comes in a series of waves, like the ocean. We run, then stop, run then stop, wake, sleep, hold and release. This idea of tension and release works on many different levels, correlating the functions and workings of the universe into waves. Ups and downs. Living for example is a tension. When we die, the body releases its grip on life and the tension is gone. Emotions often come in waves as well. Nothing good can last forever, just like nothing all too bad can go on for a too long, because when things hold tension for too long, they tire us out and eventually we must release. But how we go about those tensions and releases, the timing, sense, and deliberation in those release is where we can shine.

The cover song "Limit to Your Love" by James Blake demonstrates tension and release very well. In essence, it's an orgasm. Although the release feels good, nature builds up the tension again and then it releases. In many ways, living life charismatically is a stylish orchestration and demonstration of tension and release.

boredom

boredom

Knowing yourself is one of the hardest things in the world. On the inside we carry feelings, emotions and thoughts that arise as a result of external stimulus, or come about through thorough internal agitation. On the outside, the way people celebrate or condemn (or feel nothing about) ourselves sketch a portrait of who we are to them. This is how we understand our identity. It is a combination of who we are to others and our habituated internal thoughts and emotions. Our internal selves also hold some ideal nature of self, although not always accurate. Tension arises when this internal self (either real or ideal) conflicts with external self. For the more introspective, we feel discord and tension when people think things of ourselves which we don’t think are either true or desirable. For the less introspective, the identity is more at the mercy of external valuation.

When there is no understanding of inner self, the challenge that is met by the celebration or condemnation from other people is perplexing. Often, this external confirmation or celebration of our thoughts and actions can be the driving force upon which we form our identity. This is not to say such base of identity is bad; different people work differently. However, for those who are shy and lack external stimulus and confirmation often look to their inner ego to find and understand their identity, and conversely many extroverts have their identity constantly externally confirmed by their peers. I am not sure whether it is caused or correlated, but shy people tend to think more about themselves (more introspective).

I dislike categorizing people, especially into such vague and blanketing  words like “introvert” and “extrovert”, but what I just mentioned might explain why the tendency to fit into either one exists. The louder the personality, the more external confirmation one receives, and vice versa. When there is less external confirmation, one must look inside to understand his identity. In this sense, the polarizing nature of being “introverted” or extroverted” is due to how people find and confirm their identities. Often, as people grow up, the desire to know oneself deeper, either through external confirmation (for those more introverted) or through internal agitation (for those more extroverts), becomes more of a demand. The desire to understand more of ourselves. Both can be uncomfortable to varying degrees for different people. Some people find meeting new people distressing because there may be fear from the judgement of other people (external confirmation/celebration/condemnation). Some people find confronting their inner self annoying. After all, note how difficult it is to stay alone doing nothing.

When we are alone and doing nothing, we often become bored. There are some ways to confront this boredom: 1. through inner agitation and self evaluation, 2. external stimulus, 3. reminiscing  (a variant of 1), 4.dealing with external/surface level problems (a variant of 4).

I have mentioned that the two ways of knowing self is by internal blah blah and external blah blah. I’d like to further extrapolate that our responses to boredom demonstrates the daily struggle and minute distress we feel we confronted with only ourselves (to know ourselves). I think the process by which we deal with boredom is either “inside out” or “outside in”. The four points I listed above can be understood as such.

“Inside out” is when we take our inner thoughts and project them out back into existence. Such is the act of creation. Of art, writing, scrawls and doodles. It can also be taking our emotions and organizing them into thoughts in our mind. “Outside in” is taking in external stimulus as a means of either 1. distracting ourselves or 2. finding some facet in the external stimulus which may relate to our inner self.  Such is watching movies/media, reading, snapchat, instagram, news, work, studying etc. Aside from states of pure emotion, humans are usually doing either one of these when they’re bored or alone. Of the “outside in”, distracting ourselves seems to be the option that’s often most taken. I don’t wanna sound like a fuckin hippy or something, but it’s what most people do when they’re bored. Examine the average person when left alone for 1 minutes (especially when within a crowd). S/he starts looking at phone as a way to confront the boredom. Obviously, there are other options that always exist at that point (“inside out” or other “outside in”) things but I think that the phone is the easiest option because it holds the least distress, and thus least capacity for understanding oneself. Even the smallest daily occurrences are habituated in our brain and create our identity on a daily basis, no matter how small. Internally, we are formed by a series of habits and traumas. Our daily habits lay the foundation for who we are. It’s no wonder why internal growth slows down dramatically as we grow older: because our daily lives start becoming the same things and our responses to situations become routinely habituated.

The past century or so is a remark to cheap external stimulus. Imagine a life where every moment of boredom is filled in with cheap external stimulus. He knows himself less and becomes a beanbag of a person: fucking boring and colorless because he doesn’t know himself. I don’t want to end this as a tirade so I won’t.

I’ve always felt the importance of knowing oneself. Knowing yourself is sexy. It forms a basis for confidence, because the external confirmation matches what's inside. Either that of your internal valuation of self is already rock solid. When that external stuff doesn't match the inside, there's distress and we feel anxiety. I recall understanding the nature of our identities, but now I see how it is formed. Understanding this can form a basis of productivity, diligence, and focus, because it serves as a remind boredom can be confronted by productivity, and good, despite being distressful. It also can form a basis of humility and compassion, because it emphasizes the relevance of being good to other (although somewhat narcissistically based). It also reminds us that although people’s opinions do matter, they exist as condemnation/confirmation/celebration/neglect of our identities, which can be useful tools for our own valuation. Being completely independent of such external confirmation can be unhealthy and deluded. But overall, it reminds us that our daily actions all have a place in forming who we are. It’s like we are a multitude of daily actions stacked upon each other, often tumbled or whipped up by traumatic events and ultimately confirmed by those around us and challenged and developed by who we think we are on the inside.

handwriting

handwriting

One of the ways to gain insight into a person's character is through their handwriting. Sometimes, I write like this or sometimes I write like that but their are fundamental consistencies in the lettering and spacing that show some insight into character. Although I have no particular knowledge about what my handwriting reveals, one thing I can do is examine how my handwriting has changed. For a fact, I know that it has changed, quite rapidly actually. Although not consistently so, it used to be smaller, neater, simple and rapid. It was not particularly neat, but the page demonstrated a general attention to proportions and space. In the past three or so months, my handwriting has become messier, larger, and sometimes undecipherable. However, I like the way it looks better than before. For the first time, without deliberately trying to alter my handwriting so that it fits me better, I feel like it a good reflection of how my mind moves my hand and pen. I think that handwriting can be used as a medium to understand oneself, because it is unconscious and revealing. If I were to give personality to such handwriting, I would say it is reckless but deliberately so. Some neglect. Although unrefined and messy, it seems focused as well. The large letters and lack of attention to its legibility contains a sentiment somewhere between desperation and excitement and contains a general mood of narcissism.

I can't read much into my handwriting, I can only project what I feel about myself and attach it to certain flairs of my changing handwriting. There are things I am more certain of about myself. Four character traits I desire to be more implanted in my personality. These are: compassion, humility, focus and diligence. My handwriting doesn't show lack of compassion (maybe it does whatever) but this is something I feel must be changed.

A somewhat recent phenomenon I have noted: I am generally disinterested in most conversations. I believe it to be a combination of my inherently selfish nature and lack of common interests.  My narrow minded focus on things I enjoy also plays a part, as well as my lack of both understanding and desire to understand most people's daily lives and struggles. On a very basic level, I simply don't empathize with most people, nor do I really care to. This is not to say I don't like talking to people. I like talking to a few people about certain things. I like being witty and pushing people to reveal more about themselves. But most of the time these days, I don't understand the point of so many conversations. We talk to be understood and listen to understand. And these days, I don't care to understand, so I don't like to listen. Unhealthy issue this is, but at the same time, it feels natural. Regardless, my desire to be more compassionate is strong, despite feeling more than ever so absorbed in myself. I believe this disinterest to be very revealing of my lack of compassion.

Let me break down this issue in a simple way. I think it is very natural the way I feel because I don't relate to the conversation topic at hand. This is normal, right? People become bored when things are not about them. Correct me if I'm wrong, but "being relatable" essentially means that it in some way feeds our ego (by relate something outside of us to ourselves). Similar interests, similar stories, similar something relative to my life, because that is how we understand things -> through ourselves. I learn about why people become who they are and in turn, it may reveal something about myself. Awesome people carry traits which I envy or admire/desire to be like. Perplexing people carry this potential. I like the music and movies I like because I feel like they speak to me, or demonstrate skill and talent which I either envy or find respectable. Thus, foreign things are uninteresting. I noticed this ironic trend. I am interested in people because they either reflect or carry a potential to reflect something about myself. My narcissism shines through my interest in other people and makes it feel fake.

So, I just don't relate to the things people talk about because my span of interests are becoming increasingly smaller. Yet, I want to care about people even if there is nothing to relate. I want it to be ingrained in my nature; to care and be compassionate about the lives of people even when I am not interested. To be compassionate is so difficult because it is contrarian to my inherently narcissistic self, in a place where I find outside similarities to be weaning away slowly. But I must. Where to start is interesting, because normally I always start with myself for anything I do. I think that compassion is bred within humility. In order to love someone without self interest, that self interest must be smaller in the first place.

But humility is an evasive trait, like all great and good traits. One way which a person is able to become more humble is by knowing himself. One is able to know himself by facing himself. One faces himself when he is desperate. The cause of desperation is from the outside. However, how one responds to the desperation is an internal choice. By consistently making the right internal choices -- choices of mindful compassion, inner strength, perseverance and unselfish ambition -- he can habituate goodness within self. Moments of desperation create such profound characters. Without these moments which we can face ourselves and habituate goodness, it is only natural that we foster dullness instead. Amongst my demographic, desperation is less. It is not that my peers are drole, it's that their lives are drole. A job, a educational pursuits dicate the weekday actions and release from such pressure colour our weekends. Ambition of greater things lie in between the two and permeate the personality with vibrant colours, but it is more or less drowned by daily droleness. So boring so boring. So boring a life with no desperation. Such colorless souls born out of habits of boredom. However, boredom is also a form of desperation, because it is one of the ways we face ourselves. Reactions to boredom are telling. The first desire is to escape the boredom by doing something else and interesting ourselves in something less boring. It seems like being alone with our thoughts is difficult. Because facing ourselves is difficult. But how can we habituate good habits without facing ourselves in moments of desperation, no matter how small that desperation? With enough of a certain thought or action, it can be habituated.

don't do

don't do

People don't do what they want to do, they just usually end up doing what they end up doing.

In a relatively short time, I've experienced a lot, to say the very least. I've been fortunate enough to have been presented with a number of options for what do with my future. I've always been aware that 'life is difficult', but my tiny interpretation of that idea is a little less tiny now. Life is daunting.

I think people are like birds in a bird eat bird world. There are many that choose to live inside cages so that they do not get eaten by the bigger birds outside.

Not making choices makes life easier to deal with. Just letting things come as they go and accepting opportunities at face value is comforting. School, for example, is not daunting (relatively speaking, not to downplay it's role). It is a set path which has defined guidelines for the typical student to follow: HS, College, Choosing A Major, Completing Bachelor's, Master's (optional depending on field), Salary, Raise Work Vacation Repeat. Neither is inheriting a family business. Needless to say, of course there are certain traumas that may come attached within that defined parameter, but as I said, those guidelines and restrictions eliminate much of the fear/apprehension typically felt during the process. Many times, from what I've noticed, it comes at the cost of foregoing the question "Why am I doing what I am doing?".

These are limitations placed upon oneself. However, these limitations are actually quite wide, and I use that word quite loosely in a neutral manner because within that parameter, much can be done. Great and difficult accomplishments. But what I'm talking about is fear, because I think that a difficulty greater and more challenging than obstacles and overcoming challenges is the fear of truly not knowing what the fuck is going to happen. I mean this statement in a very literal fashion: to really have no idea because the boundaries/parameters/limitations of what could happen do not exist.

This fear, coupled with excitement is a path not many treaded, but for those who have, it is a both a rewarding and terrible path. It is the path of almost all celebrated people, in some way or fashion, perhaps the limitations were not college and school but rather following the popes orders, or not challenging the status quo.

As I learn more and more about the world around me and myself, I understand that there are many things of the trending mindsets of which I do not fuck with. "People don't do what they want to do, they just usually end up doing what they end up doing" is such an example. It is a true statement, but so is "Do what you want to do,"; it simply depends on who is saying it. The current status quo of how to make a living in life is another such example. People overstating the value of risk in presentation circumstances or simply giving it lip service, but not giving it value in real world circumstances is another.

And I understand these things, I understand more clearly why the number of people that want to change the world gets smaller and smaller as people become older and older. Insecurities become deeper imbedded under layer of neglect and neurosis. As this happens, our joints and mental reflexes become rusted with daily comforts. "Simple joys" take the place of greater and more meaningful joy found within progress and learning, when in fact, both should be cherished.

I am going to change the world. I am going to take the baton of the greats of past generations and propel the human race forward. This is a choice, but seeing my nature, it's not even really a choice whether or not I can think it.

I'm 20, don't have to work, and am healthy. I can do whatever pleases me, really. I can do whatever I want as there are no limitations. The only 'limitations' present are those which restrict the universe: time and nature. My will, this could be a limitation, but it could also be what sets me free. Fear or courage as well.

Shallow self discovery leads to people finding themselves within their insecurities.

reflections

reflections

When I went to high school, when I was a more cynical and pathetic character, I was more artistically dark. And although back then my mind was locked upon itself in a incessant spiral of self-loathing and pity, my artist felt more alive. I almost feel as if because I've become more understanding and deeply aware of how to stabilize my emotive-creature-mind, I've become less in tune with my art. These days, I can see that the colors of my mind are too defined and resolved. And consequently, I don't know how to let myself into the darkness of passion.

The clockworks turn within my mind, and each reasonable mystery eventually finds itself a compatible answer, and if not then it lays on a backburner, perhaps to be answered later, perhaps never. But I can't handle it anymore! The mind is not a clockwork, the soul is not a framework for labor, and the natural state of existence is not calm. In vain I dragged myself across the ragged and barren fields of self-betterment, only to find that it is a sterile and uncharismatic plain on the other side. The natural state of the universe is entropy and there should be no going back.

We are supposed to be mad and insatiable on the inside. My soul is a beast whom loathes tameness. But instead, we drift along, like listless molds of vulnerability looking up at the more charistmatic-than-us, the more beautiful-than-us, and the more-alive-us, wondering how the time has passed so ungraciously to our favor and our sagging souls flop around like fish on the pier, caught by a fisherman of fear and death and lies.

Everyday we breed the emotions we feel with the ideas we combat them with. And I speak for many of us when I say that the inbred docile dog of a conscience which had birthed is better put down than to writhe in its pathetic misery state.

Do you know limbo? It's a catholic sentiment, somewhere somewhat neutral between heaven and hell that signifies neither saved or damned. Where the idiots and unborn children go. Life should be the opposite of limbo. Maybe snapchat exists in limbo. Why do I feel like I'm constantly damning myself to a dreary placement in the spectrum of a should-be-colorful life?

To be honest, I don't, I just wanted to convey the emotion. It's better to be a colorful lunatic than grayscale photocopy of a photocopied idea. Come on fucking live you piece of boring drab! Let go you're already pathetic self esteem and stop caring so much about the misplaced judgment of men and women who will never care about you the way your should care about yourself. You fucking prick, you can look to God, but your existence is a mockery of free will, and in fact the most humiliating part about it is that you probably would've ate the apple too.

Wake up from your delude conception of "what matters" and "your goals" and embrace the madness of the soul, and liberty of nature and feel what it means to be alive again. Being alive and feeling like you want to die has greater kinship and understanding of each other than any neutral mockery in between.

*          *          *

Sleep fell over him like a docile creature, bred to domesticity after countless nights of inbred captivity. Daybreak is no longer a mystery to him. He longs for the moment day and night no longer will uphold their cordial reconciliation. Perhaps his lines will extend a ink stroke further, perhaps his mind will wander one eternal step closer to the creation of art. But he is a chain to his words, and time is no longer at his shackles.

Daybreak falls like the morning star, with each step he lapses deeper into the darkness, closer to the light that awaits, and dawn becomes an illusion. -3.20.2011

RTOTD

RTOTD

random thoughts of the day by Daniel Ko

what is love?

it was a like midsummer's night dream, that night. being with you was like being kept in a bubble of bliss, out of way from all the people i hate and despise. I drank to escape the torment brought on to me by my weariness of life... and from that putrid well, you gave me hope and a dream to one day be with you.

was it a kiss? or did we just brush our lips..

어제 문자보내기:
xxxxx: "내일뭐해?"
xxx: "별거없는데ㅋㅋㅋ 왜? 뭐할까?"
xxxxx: "아... 그냥.. 아니야"
xxx: "??ㅎㅎ뭐야"

그 순간 후, 내 마음이 너무 두려워어서 잠이 들었지..

this may be a shameful thing to admit, but you resemble my favorite JAV actress in an uncanny way. Is that weird? but then again, what is love? baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me, no more.

i remember one day in class, you asked me for a pencil. out of everybody in the room, why me? there were 300 other people in the room, and for me to be chosen out of random would be.. a miniscule chance. of course, i have to consider the radius factor, but even out of the ten people sitting behind, in front, left to you, I was still chosen. is this what they call the greenlight of love?

flustered "y-yea i have one hold on" and i reached into my bag to find the best pencil for you and found my favorite pencil, stocked it with enough lead for you to write 100 love letters to me and gave it to you. when I gave it to you, our flesh brushed each other. the sensation i felt from my spine to my abdomen! it numbed my mind.

what is love? is this it?