all positive vibes

all positive vibes

One of the ways I know I am lacking in my spiritual life is because I do not feel a lasting sense of joy in my life. Although I am momentarily happy here and there depending on who I'm with and what I'm doing, overall I don't feel any sort of peace within myself. On a wide variety of levels, I am in discord with myself and my situation. And yet, even still, I don't feel angry or fearful. I really feel nothing much of the time.

I often wonder if I lack depth as a human. I desire to feel vivid and penetrating emotions, but emotions are brought about through outside change. This outside change lies beyond my control. Something must happen for me to feel something about it, whether it is in retrospect or in the moment. Yet, I am so quick to forget and let go of the past, the emotions I feel only linger for a moment. Feeling anger, sadness, happiness, etc. are what makes me feel alive. These days, my emotive plate seems somewhat drab. The lack of vivid emotions these days make the days tasteless and droning.

I remembering feeling differently. I vaguely remember a constant emotion during parts of my life. Feeling repressed, frustrated, angry, sad, heartbroken, anxious or whatever. Things would happen which would affect me deeply, and I would feel things. Feeling those things made me feel alive. It had nothing to do with my purpose or any sentiment of depth, but simply reminded me that I was a living person. A soul or vigorous spirit that exists within the present time. I know I am still that, I just don't feel like it right now.