Oh geez. I feel like I'm going to wither away anyday. Why is it that I seem to be like this? Like what?
I mean like the way that you can't ever finish what your doing. It become a bad habit. I don't think you've ever finished a book properly. You can only finish things if it's easy.
Oh it that right? Well. Yeah.
I think I fell for you.
I'm so dumb, the way that every bit of affection seems to great, it's these delusions of grandeur that keep me up all night, by myself. I'm living in my own world, aren't I? I'm so sorry. to myself. for being like this. for being me. Is this the self pity, the pathetic insecurity that some people go through? As if I would feel the same things in my prideful heart. I wouldn't make much sense would it.
But people change don't they? Actually not so easily. But I can feel myself moving.. But the funny thing is, I don't know what I want to be anymore. Isn't life much more romanticized when those small blurs of meaning are blown up out of their normal proportion? And isn't it so much more romantic when he thinks that hes the only one, but he's actually not? I mean, but do you actually have the hope of that being true?
Come on, life is not a movie. I think you know that. How can you be content living in these pitiful illusions?
Is the way my heartbeat quickens at the pace or a gaze an illusion? Is the way the I'm drowning in these deep thoughts an illusion. Its a beautiful illusion to say the least is it not?
Yeah well I hope you can find some sort of retribution. But that's the problem see? There is not retribution, there is no hope, there is only a projection that I long after.
You, you have become the mirage that I adore the mirage I wish to be real, the mirage that finds it chances to be dwindling every second. And truth be told, it makes me sad.
It tears at my stomach, is this an empty hole? Come on now, now you're being unrealistic. Pretty laughable. But its not, you can't understand, you just can't.
Huh, as if I can't understand myself, is that even a statement. I hope that was sarcasm there.
Yeah understanding myself is hard, but perhaps though understanding each other I can come to terms with myself. Oh yeah, and another disturbing thought.
I have these.. well, disturbing thoughts. These sickening dreadful thoughts, and thank God that the second that I think them, I come back to my self pitying self and realize what I have done. But don't they say "thoughts kill?" If thoughts kill, I'm a walking massacre, and I'm not saying that with a hint of pride or self recognition.
But.. it's just the way, do I want this illusion to disappear so that I can be crushed by rational thoughts? No, I don't and in some ways, I'm stuck between those two polar points. And my spectrum shows no mercy to me. I don't want one and the other makes me sick. it deadens me. And the disgusting part is that you feed it, and you don't even know it.
Just leave me alone, then again, tend to me. Is this what people call a paradox.
I heard paradoxes, or contradictions don't exist. I don't know what to believe.
YUPPP
I DONT KNOW WHO I AM
yet
.
i feel as if i am fill up with something I don't know
