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Breaks&Weekends

Breaks&Weekends are like good dreams that come to an end.
Why do you have to end?
All good things come to an end...
But so do bad things? I don't know.

I have this really instinctive urge to rap on stage.
Or to do something illegal! uh oh!
번개처럼 높게 뛰어올라 LIKE NINJA!!!!

and one more thing:
I secretly like g-dragon's rap (oh no!)
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Celebrities

Celebrities I admire and respect (not in any particular order):

Tablo
Banksy
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Jesus (not a celebrity, but he's bomb)
양동근
윤하
임재범
Edward Norton
Kevin Spacey
Tiger JK & T
현빈
James Joyce


is it a coincidence that many of the people on this list suffered from chronic depression or are trying to change the world? Or at least can act like it?
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Words

I wish I could say the things I really mean...

Things I would say (and hopefully will say):
I'm sorry.
I love you.
(x10)

That sums up most of it, but those five words are so hard to say, its ridiculous.
I wrote down a whole list of things on my mind that I want to say, but looking back on it, there are some things that shouldn't be said (but some should be).

It's come to my mind that maybe I should be a better person to others. So difficult... Even though I don't say what's on my mind all the time, sometimes only to my closest friends, the words that I do say are sometimes ridiculous. When I look back at some things, I think, 'how did I think of that?' But somehow, it all makes sense to me. Of course, not to some others.

Everyone has their own idea of what they think is right. Sometimes it takes a lot of humility to lower yourself to their standard, and sometimes it's could be considered cowardly or weak to do so. But out of humility, and common courtesy, other opinions should be respected.

For example, g-dragon, or 2pm. I abhor the image that they stand for. But they also deserve respect for the talent that they have, whatever that may be. Who knows, one day we may all be in the spotlight, and feel the very burn that we (I) put on others.

It's easy to label people. 'Dude she's a whore' 'Fuckin' tool' 'She's fake' 'She sucks at singing'
But, with a closer look, you can seek that there are always other parts of a person that stand out. If you look for something hard enough, you are guaranteed to find it, and if that something is bad, you will see it. It works the same way if you look for something beautiful, you will find it.

On another note, assumptions are so invalid. It's disgusting when people take facts and stretch them over assumptions. That leads to many other things, such as snitching, rumors, implications, and lies. All bad.

And sometimes it makes me feel so guilty when I feel like this, because we all know, or at least I do, that words are the greatest hypocrites. It's going to kill me the next time I come upon this utterly blatant realization, because I always have this tugging feeling that say 'your going to forget'. But maybe I'll try my best to remember.

Words, words, are all we have to live on.

I am slowly growing to be person that I can respect.

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reminisce

remember? back in the day
grade school, just faded away
no worries, no problems,
antique was modern
but cute was cute
and shit, i remember i used to play flute
remember? when i didn't have to do shit
this nuisance,
and if i bought it, i losed it,
and i bought it again
valley veiw, i remember you
and the crew
and going up for the award that wasn't mine
but i didn't mind
cuz confidence wasn't no thing i worried about
i had a quiet mouth
quiet crowd, i was a quiet kid
then moving schools,
and i only had one friend
remember you till end
we were loners, but i didnt even know what that was
well, cuz.. all i needed was trust
and this girl asked me how to spell farm
and i was like what the h e double hockey stick
cuz shit. back then i didnt curse
but now, look at this verse
going all out with no remorse
and the sixth grade science class
i was a smartass
getting awards for my science
now its just a compliance
on the verge of a defiance
and that one time,
i was the cause that my shark group lost points
and that one time, i didn't do shit for the owl project,
but i took it home, sorry guys
and my best friend was my best friend,
and we didnt have social pressures
and weed to worry about splitting us apart
you wrote best bud in my yearbook,
one of the only people that wrote something meaningful
the memories of burning trees
and planting them, and cooking
didnt care if no one was looking
and my other best friend
relationships screwed up cuz we had nothing in common
i look at you guy now and just say hi
but there isnt even a reason for a bye
oh yeah and remember at the end of sixth grade?
that cute girl gave me a hug
but apparently for a dare of twenty bucks
i still felt good, maybe it was luck
and cant forget the camping trips
talking about girls
and ck was like you gotta step your game up
but i never did, jokes, i kid
cold ass breakfast, making new friends,
but like all things, that faded away too
and even you, sparky
do you remember me?
i gave you away to a strange little girl
but i'm sure its a better world
down memory lane, there's cambodia and philipines too
high school crushes, sigh i was a retard
screwed it up, got it going, screwed it up
and got misled and screwed up again
i was a scared kid in history,
then i picked up the pen
in tenth grade, and i met a particular kid
you liked rap too
you were pretty happy back then,
rapping on long nights with the piano kid
and sitting in bio talking about
explicit things, and high hopes for high places.
and facebook, what a funny little joke
i remember that one day, my old friend was like
i'll hook it up, but never did

and i look back, and it will never come back
happy times and sad times alike
just let it be
im just out to make more memories
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rant

Why am I tired after sleeping 12 hours... -.-
I just want school to end..................................................
I hate physics... and gov... retard classes in my opinion. and calc...
that leaves.. environmental science, ceramics, and literature.
I like those. apes, we dont do shit and we go on fun little field trips
ceramics you just play with clay
lit is interesting because mohney is interesting
but physics walsh is sooo bad teacher! and bad grading system and impossible tests...
kalb is a boring ass class, no need to even attend
and calc fatass leko is just so anal about turning things in.. i got screwed couple times because i didnt mark myself as 'ill'
these fuckin attendence tards, even them, it only matters about the money
k so if you excuse your absence, like sign yourself out if your 18, you still get fucked for grades because the school doesnt get any money
but if your 'sick' then you can turn shit in late and get full credit cuz the school gets money still
blahblahblah
what a frustrating predicament.. esp in 2nd semester, but i dgaf bro namean
sorry bout the rant >.<
-------------
hm k so... let's plan...

get some piano lessons.. find a cute teacher or something for incentive and learn piano..
gain some fame through my mixtape and become a celebrity..
write a bestseller..
hold a concert at madison square garden..
marry the love of my life..
travel to paris and do some art..
open up my own studio..
be a good believer..
be happy forever and ever and never be sad ever ever
make sure my front hair doesnt have this retarded curled thing
fix this retarded shit on my chest or just get enough pex so it doesnt even matter
go to a damn good college

just kidding...

actual plan.
get piano teacher
finish mixtape and get some fame
wait for college admissions, which i hope will be good
verse (o.O! secret!)
sex (not actual sex but like.. uhmm... this plan.. uhh yeah. -.- just decided to call it that cuz charles thought it would be funny)
making fun memories
working on resolutions
being happy :)
GO TO KOREA WOOHOO
get id and learn to drive lol...

maybe my fantasized plans will come true
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Rabble

I haven't actually wrote about what happens in my life at all in this blog mostly...
So here goes.
I went to a Graduate Physics Seminar today at Caltech. Measuring the neutrinos and anti-neutrinos in MonteCarlo Universes with the MiniBooNE oscillator. Fun stuff.
I had to sit there for an hour and take notes while I pretended to understand hints of gibberish (well, what I considered gibberish).
Yesterday, I went to church and went icing (those of you who don't know what this is, chances are you weren't meant to know)
On Saturday, I went to K-town and ate 고기 at 별대포 and had a short session of NRB. Brian Park tried to make a retarded point similar to his argument that plastic surgery could be genetically inherited to create better looking people.
On Friday, I went icing at some sketchy-ass places. Senior scared the shit out of Tim and I (at that point, I thought I was gonna get mugged or what not...)
Whatever, pretty boring ass shit overall. I'm just waiting for second semester (less than a month left yay)

I'll end this with a little anecdote of my second grade crush. For fun...
In the second grade I used to like a girl (we will call her A for the sake of anonymity for now...) but I was really shy so I kept it a secret. My dad used to tease me about it and stuff but really, nobody knew. One day, for my ninth birthday, I invited everyone to my birthday party. As I was handing invitations out, I had my last one, which was for A. But then these retards came and we're like, "Oh we will give it to her," and I just said okay. But then A laughed upon getting the invitation and rejected and I just lost hope.
I then moved schools. There were not many girls there that I liked. Yeah... End of story. I mean, I didn't even hit puberty yet. When I moved into high school, there was some girl, B, but then shit was just retarded and we lacked social skills, so that really didn't work out. I don't really know what happened, or I just forgot. Confused incident that I don't want to recall.
Maybe in ninth grade or so, i liked a girl. We will call her C. But I was still unbelievably shy, still, with girls that I thought were cute. In bio, me and my other friend would talk about her, but it was all dreaming nonetheless. Similar to how we dreamt about how we would both go to Stanford. Pretty childish. I'm not gonna say too much, cuz that would give it away, and thats no fun. I was just really confused, or misled, one or the other. I thought I was going somewhere, and I thought I put myself out there, but the txt responses were freaking slow and annoying and I just gave up because she never really responded. I remember me and Joe would calculate facebook responses and stuff, and try to figure the whole thing out, but it was really useless. Funny story in retrospect, maybe I'll tell it later. Big sigh. Maybe I will grow up and just do something about it.
Yeah, so things never really got anywhere. It was like that for most of people that I heard rumors (who knows if they were even true) that liked me. Except one girl. She was loud, and i just remember in the sixth grade she was my seat partner in one class. And another one, but she said she wanted to be best friends and me being some innocent kid just thought best friends meant actually best friends. That faded away.

My story is just one of confusion and bad timing. I don't even know why I wrote this out, but I just wanted to work on the whole resolution thing about talking with cute girls. Girl C is still pretty damn cute tho.

And I also started rolling with the Lucid dreams. I think at one point, I'll have some trouble discerning between my dreams and my memories, which won't be too good. I have a dream almost every time I sleep (it increased dramatically in the past few months) and its just ridiculous.

And as side note, someone gave me a physical copy of the GD&TOP album. I found that kinda funny. Can TOP's rap get any worse? YG can throw one hell of a concert though.
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Beautiful Losers!

There is no 'end' in indepindence.

I need a name. Any suggestions?
It's a wonderful feeling when every wall starts looking like a canvas.
And when every sign is just begging to be taken down.
Or when every instrumental seems so abused and empty.

I suppose that's where i fit in.
I want to become an entertainer when I grow up.
So that I can entertain the world. With a message.
I think that's the only way to still be a person I like, even when I'm an adult.
And it's fun huh?
Who wants to join me? 2nd semester is going to be so fun

I think life always has that scale, or balance. I say it all the time, but it's totally true. I wish I could have nothing to lose, but it's not true, because I have everything to be lose.
Everything that makes me feel good somehow has a downside, like its illegal, or immoral, or it's just really really hard to do it and I have to work my ass off.
So I have to find that balance.

I seriously wonder sometimes how I am going to be as an adult.
I'll probably have to pay taxes.
If I think of it like that, it seems like the first step of being totally and utterly sucky.
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Resolutions

2011. What a funny lookin' year.
This is the year that I never get to see high school again. 12 years come to a close.
Apparently the world's gonna end in a year? Because the Mayans said so?
Thats redic. It's no wonder we're stuck in the old regime.
2010 was not too great of a year.
It was whatever, but I would go back and change many things if I could.
But hindsight means almost nothing, it's the future that counts.

Resolutions:
Take from the streets, give back to the streets. Lose the fear. Be fearless
Art and piano. Writing and rhymes. Read more. Just to expand the arts.
Be better at talking with cute girls. Strangely I have a real hard time with this.
Be able to forget. I'm not the type to forget, but some things don't need memories.
Be nicer to my bro and the fam.
Pray often and read the book.
Don't bag on the tools so much. Who knows, it's all perspective. Understanding.
On that note, build up my rapping rep with mixtape. JHa maybe I'll diss you. tool.
Improve the Korean. It's slowly building up.
Expand my circle of friends. Maybe it's a trust issue, or just a personality issue.
Think outside the box. This applies in many ways.
Be generous always. Oh, this one is so damn hard, it's ridiculous.

We will see how capable of a person I am...
Wish me luck! 2011, another year, another journey!
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No more apps

Dear College Admissions,

Thank you for ruining my break.
I secretly hate you, but I have to pretend like I like you guys for now.

Sincerely,
Daniel
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stream of consciousness

He always told himself, life would be so much more than it is right now, but these thoughts remain perpetually amiss. Every single thought of freedom is eventually drowned by time. They say time waits for no one. It's a sad reality, he told himself, but the sad reality was that he wouldn't do anything to help himself. Maybe in a year, when I'm off and away, then I'll be free. Funny, I heard the same thing four years ago, eight years ago. He started counting his chances in increments of four. He loved the number fourteen till he reached it, loved the number eighteen till it found him in his same purposeless thirteen year old mind, and when that number came, he loved the number twenty one, because it sounded like freedom, but when it came around, he lost interest. Everything was at the wrong time. If only he had been born four years before his interests, yet lived in the present. If his time frame of now was instead four years ago, in a body four years older. Wouldn't that be nice? He wouldn't be afraid to try new things, to talk to that pretty girl at school, to say 'no' once in a while, or to take that rock and throw it at that assholes car. But no, it was a shame he was stuck in the present, and the looming irony was that he was never living for the moment

He takes his heavy head and lifts it out of the dirt? Where is he? It must be a dream, he said, waiting for the presence of impossibility to fade away. But it didn't nothing so out of place fades away like that. I wonder. Why, what? Well there's an idea, the imbecile says, his conscience taunts him. Where. Okay what a wonderful being you are to have the capability to have such superfluous and philosophical thinking! You are a truly, and utterly honest and amazing human being, much more than the ant swarm below us. I am. No, you aren't, silly. Your nothing.

And if I could play the soft evil ghost of his conscience, I would. But I would do so much more than taunt him, because I can get away with everything right? I'm his conscience, I'm him, I'm not me, he's me so he blames himself. Take that back, he doesn't even know how to blame himself, so he lets others blame him for himself, a pleasant trade-off. Oh he's just insane, don't mind his blabbering. I suppose that gives him a colorful excuse to think whatever he pleases and get away with it. At the point where others let you think freely, they call you insane, or demented and twisted. If this was true, I suppose in a way it would be so much better to be demented or twisted amongst that flock of seagulls, the mediocre languid pile of dead Holocaust sheep.

Hey, aren't you someone special? Sarcasm feels so good on paper. He can't really move his body. Am I. What do you think you are? Anything worth anything part of any self loathing any any any? Real? Estate? You can't just throw a sentence out there and expect your conscience to understand. Hey you, you! Go to that fridge and pull out the orange juice. Okay, now drink it. Good, let the pulp drench the sides of your dirty, contaminated throat. Now put it back. Hm, this kinda feels good. He looks, but can't see anything. No, don't look or try to see. He stops. Now.. Go live.

From that day on, he was the happiest piece of flesh on the face of the crusty earth. If only we could do something like that ourselves. Just let that little voice in your head click, and off off you run away, into the beautiful, twisted and mental darkness.

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