exactly how i feel

exactly how i feel

I'm troubled. I'm trouble and frustrated for many reasons, which leads to incessant bitching on this blog because my intro-fuckin-verted nature doesn't allow much talk without being spoken to first, neither do I feel any sort of mental click or any sort of understanding to the people I seldom do talk to. Sometimes, but for now, I feel like bitching on this blog because it makes the 'understanding' part much less effortful for me.

These recent days have been filled with wavering thoughts on myself as a person, reality, my self-confidence, the standards I put upon those around me, and the amount of fucks I give about those around me. Sometimes, I don't know. Actually, to be more accurate, during some rare occasions, very rare occasions, I feel like I do know. But I'm fuckin tired. I'm tired of thinking the same thing over and over again and coming to the same inconclusive results. A lot of the times, I just want to give up and let the world pass me by as I drown in the current. But then, that would be an idiotic mistake. In those cases, I would either become an alcoholic, a pothead, or a suicidal maniac, none of which I see to be fit for me.

Lately, I don't give a fuck, even when I should. It's much easier to neglect than to actively respond and hate something. Although many times I do resort to hating because it gives me some short termed feeling of catharsis, most of the time, I feel like like a hating idiot after that. So when I say things like, fuck everyone, or fuck everything, it's not that I take the active initiative to go an want to fuck people up and burn school or police buildings, but it's more like fuck everything, as in I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. I deem everything to be irrelevant and I take delight only in my egotistical, self centered world. And I do that as a defense mechanism from hating to lose so much. I need to win, and winning requires nothing but full faith in oneself and God, and distance from the appraisal and lack of faith from others. In the end, I can't trust anyone except for myself. Why? Because I have high standards for myself, and often I impose those standards on other people, and of course, they fail. People, because they are people and human in nature, have a high tendency to fail. Much of this error, I attribute to emotions and a constantly changing mindset.

To sum it all up, I'm fuckin tired, I'm fuckin stressed and frustrated, and I don't give a fuck about anyone because nobody can live up to my standards. I'm a fuckin terrible person. I'm a self condemning, egotistical bastard that only knows himself. And to make matters worse, I've become complacent to the wrath and the pride haunting the very core of my person. Disturbed yet complacent. At the center of my desires, there's this drive to succeed, and I would rather have no friends and die John Gotti, than to die nobody. I am dead already.

So fuck everybody.

Thank you and have a good night.