Friends

Friends

I love meeting new people... it's just that sometimes, I just don't want to know much more about them. Is that ignorant novelty of finding a new friend the only connection that comes between two people when they first meet? Someone I met said that making friends is like starting a relationship and requires that same level of commitment. Friendship requires that same level of chemistry and synergy.. but you know.. not in the gay way.

There are some people that I want to get know better, and some people that I think I know enough about to just step back. It's hard because people are not genuinely bad, its just that some people and other people don't really react with each other.

There are some people I really like too and want to know better. Did I just say that twice.

sincere

sincere

I don't like my blog, it ends up becoming a really irritable hash of unpleasant emotions and words...
I probably because I talk to my blog when I have no one to talk to. It's so easy talking to anyone about anything when your mind is carefree, but when your stressed or angry or frustrated not many people will listen, you know? This blog just gives me a sense of reassurance; not sure what it really is, but hearing my voice and recollecting my thoughts is very important.

One aspect of this new life that I can't entirely seem to connect with is friends. I miss my crew to be honest. You know, I'm so proud of my friends. I think that our loyalty will stand, and for all of us, it's death before dishonor. Being in the college atmosphere made me realize that there are a lot different folks out there, different in thought, atmosphere and living style.

But more than praise about my friends, I come to a point of self-reflection of who I am and my inner conflict of... who am I?
Sometimes, it really bothers me. I think the most important trait in a person is sincerity. But sometimes, I don't know if I am genuinely nice or mean, or if I care about people if I don't, or if I put unnecessary effort for things I don't need to. I don't know what I'm doing to be honest. I want to be friends with everyone, then again, I don't like a lot of people, but then again, I actually appreciate them. They say life is a paradox but I don't see sense in a world where such blatant contradictions exist in the same body.

Thus, I'm stressed, I'm more locked up and vent in my mind. I had a good day today, and then its went a bit sour. I'm happy that I'm alive, to be more honest than anything else. I'm simply thankful for the experiences I had, the people I met, the lessons I learned.

I want to say I'm confused... but am I? That word leaves a sour taste in my mouth, it doesn't seem very pretty.

Yeah, college is fun, but searching for the true genuineness in me, and other is a strenuous path that I have to walk. Yeah, I want to be a better person, yeah I want to succeed, yeah i want everything, I'm greedy. But even that's not good. and i hate drama... i dont even knoww man my head hurts forget it i sleeping peace

i just hope i dont let my pride deceive my heart. its awefully good at doing that im scared i hate the emotion of regret and fear but thats how you learn and serious i gotta watch my mouth my tounge is not very docile these days

Consequential Atonement

Consequential Atonement

Oh geez. I feel like I'm going to wither away anyday. Why is it that I seem to be like this? Like what? I mean like the way that you can't ever finish what your doing. It become a bad habit. I don't think you've ever finished a book properly. You can only finish things if it's easy. Oh it that right? Well. Yeah.
I think I fell for you.
I'm so dumb, the way that every bit of affection seems to great, it's these delusions of grandeur that keep me up all night, by myself. I'm living in my own world, aren't I? I'm so sorry. to myself. for being like this. for being me. Is this the self pity, the pathetic insecurity that some people go through? As if I would feel the same things in my prideful heart. I wouldn't make much sense would it.
But people change don't they? Actually not so easily. But I can feel myself moving.. But the funny thing is, I don't know what I want to be anymore. Isn't life much more romanticized when those small blurs of meaning are blown up out of their normal proportion? And isn't it so much more romantic when he thinks that hes the only one, but he's actually not? I mean, but do you actually have the hope of that being true?
Come on, life is not a movie. I think you know that. How can you be content living in these pitiful illusions?
Is the way my heartbeat quickens at the pace or a gaze an illusion? Is the way the I'm drowning in these deep thoughts an illusion. Its a beautiful illusion to say the least is it not?
Yeah well I hope you can find some sort of retribution. But that's the problem see? There is not retribution, there is no hope, there is only a projection that I long after.
You, you have become the mirage that I adore the mirage I wish to be real, the mirage that finds it chances to be dwindling every second. And truth be told, it makes me sad.
It tears at my stomach, is this an empty hole? Come on now, now you're being unrealistic. Pretty laughable. But its not, you can't understand, you just can't.
Huh, as if I can't understand myself, is that even a statement. I hope that was sarcasm there.
Yeah understanding myself is hard, but perhaps though understanding each other I can come to terms with myself. Oh yeah, and another disturbing thought.
I have these.. well, disturbing thoughts. These sickening dreadful thoughts, and thank God that the second that I think them, I come back to my self pitying self and realize what I have done. But don't they say "thoughts kill?" If thoughts kill, I'm a walking massacre, and I'm not saying that with a hint of pride or self recognition.
But.. it's just the way, do I want this illusion to disappear so that I can be crushed by rational thoughts? No, I don't and in some ways, I'm stuck between those two polar points. And my spectrum shows no mercy to me. I don't want one and the other makes me sick. it deadens me. And the disgusting part is that you feed it, and you don't even know it.
Just leave me alone, then again, tend to me. Is this what people call a paradox.
I heard paradoxes,  or contradictions don't exist. I don't know what to believe.

YUPPP
I DONT KNOW WHO I AM

yet
.

i feel as if i am fill up with something I don't know

sweet depression

sweet depression

&writing

I'm so excited
I feel like
I am going to wither if you don't hear my voice
or what I am saying
I'm mystified by
you
because you are mystifying
I love my youth
you know the most depressing thought
is that these are the best days of our lives
It's these pieces that I have
these pieces of you
that I love to form these thoughtless contraptions
hoping that they would lapse into a certain
thing
I like you
the most
but I feel like I will die if you don't hear my voice

I'm happy

things to remember:

things to remember:

less 욕
more class
expensive
rational
work hard
never give up
be chill
be happy
focus
less play
less useless stuff
dont be jealous
make good friends
practice hard
read books

Graduation

Graduation

I feel like I have the whole world in front of me.
I feel somewhat invincible, like nothing can stop me.
I suppose that's the glamour of youth, our beautiful hamartia.
Sometimes, I really that its that unfounded hubris that keeps me going.
I hear stories about people getting old and losing their fervor, and I wonder if I will ever reach that point.
It's a very sad realization when you come to realize that the best days of your life are already past. I hope that day never finds me.

People get old, people get tired. It's inevitable that I will reach my peak as well. The question is what I will do until I reach that pinnacle.
You can't live life for that pinnacle, because after that pinnacle, it's only a downward drop. More or less like a triangle. So I swear, I swear that I will do everything I can possibly to do make my life a life that is worth living.

I'll burn all the bridges that are holding me back and only look at what is ahead of me. If life is this short, and I don't have that much time left, I don't have time to dwell upon the past and maintain my regrets.

Let's go! Summer of '11!
I going to be the greatest entertainer I can be!
[The world is pushed forward by a few couple people. I swear I will become one of those people, no matter what. That power.. Like Nas said, the world is mine.]
No more time to be the immature little shithead I used to be.
My friends and I must maturely face the world and take it over.

What?

What?

Sometimes, seeing people makes me think, "Am I like them?"
Then another part of me says, "You are not anything special, of course you are like them."
"But I don't like them. How can I then be like them? Am I subjugated to a life of self-hate? I do not hate myself, thus I am not like them."
"But you are of the same kind. You just hide behind a facade of whatever it is that you think you possess. You are self-righteous and self-loathing."
"Then are the others holding a facade of stupidity?"
"No. That is no facade."
"Hah, so they are stupid to begin with. So I am not like them."
"No, simply, your facade covers up your stupidity."

Not many people are reliable these days. Not many stick to their words, or even consider them important. Words are the basis of thought, how can you undermine the very essence of thought? It's disgraceful.

Most things have the strange tendency not to work out. Many things make me frustrated. But sometimes, I see a baseless frustration, backed by nothing but a baseless anger, a baseless pity stemming from self-loathing and self-righteousness. But what to do at those times? Usually what happens is that I make sweeping assertions after blanket statements to create a sense of justice for what I say or do or feel, but what more is there to writing? What to do?

Yes, I write a blog. Here we go.

Things don't work out. Fact.
Things work out. Fact.

Let's start with two logical assumptions that we can take for granted. Simple enough.
Concrete examples of things that don't work out? Well there's college, but expected. Then girls. Then prom. I also had a big fit over Boy Scouts for a while. And grades don't look too good either. I suppose they are minor details, but being in the moment makes them so much bigger.

You know what, I don't even feel like writing. I'm not even that conflicted. Just a little ticked off at little things.

But fuck.

Writing it all out makes me sound like a bitch.
Yeah. Conclusion: it doesn't matter.
Cool.

Hah, wait, this can't be it. If it was I might as well suicide. I will come back to this later.

irritable

irritable

Some part of me wants to hate people.
Just a random emotion I feel sometimes.
yea.


perhaps I will expand later.