antirant

antirant

I've really been considering writing a really long rant about all the things I hate in life, because those seem to be the dominant things on my mind these days, but I've had a change of heart. I'm generally a negative person, and despite being weird sometimes, I am for the most part, very reserved and pensive. I often go into looms of depression and go through phases of cowardice and self-consuming wrath. Often times, the issues range from very small things to things that span over periods of time. Most of these problems come from problems that I lack control in and am not able to change. Things like that frustrate me to no end. I have a hideous latch on controlling things, even those that cannot be changed, like the past and the future. What results is not very pretty and hurts my head and emotional state to no end. I could go on and on about certain problems I have because of this and being the perfectionist that I am. And even after this, I continue to destroy myself by going into states of self loathing where nothing can reach me and I just burn up inside. Aside from small glimpses of momentary smiles, much of my private and inner life is filled with reasonless anguish and pain. Often, I wish I could just retire from life take myself out of this game because I am a coward and unable to come to terms with things I cannot change, or are too big of a challenge to tackle. I have two problems that hinder myself even more: I cannot start things, and I cannot finish things. When things get started they are usually left unfinished because my interest in them wanes in a month. And I cannot start things which seem to big to handle because I cannot handle failure or dismissal.

Ever since I was a child, I had always been quiet because when I spoke I would either be ignored because of my reserved nature, or dismissed because my opinion wouldn't hold ground for plebs because in elementary school, loud voices are what seems to rule the crowd. So most of the time, I would not speak at all. I would rarely say hi first or greet people first because of those fears. Even though talking and expressing myself became easier than it used to be,  those fears are still ingrained into my personality. I absolutely hate being dismissed or ignored, and thus I react in very strange ways to combat this internal battle. When I feel the feelings coming, I scramble to avoid it or to run away from it. And consequently, I've found music, where I can express myself without the fear of being dismissed or ignored, because with practice, skill will speak louder than my voice.

I've always had the thoughts, "I have to change this" or "this has to change," in order to structure the way things work perfectly. And despite this, I still favor the unstructured to the structured which doesn't make too much sense. Finding things about myself and acceding in those respects, but having deeply ingrained personality flaws have consequently made me something of a contrarian. Nothing I do really adheres to the thoughts I have and my personality radically changes depending on my mood or people around me. As one person once said about me, I have no middle ground. When close, there is no middle ground.

And yet. I don't know, I've just had a change of thought. I've been blessed to meet people, and it's a comforting feeling I have forgot. Really, not too sure yet, but I hope it can grow in that respect. Kind people really have an impact. And this time, it's not based off drinking or social bullshit, but rather on God and fellowship. And I suppose it makes me look forward to different days. Honestly, I don't know what exactly I am feeling, but I earnestly hope that I can make something positive out of it. Feelings like this are hard to describe, and I do not want to make anything definitive, because honestly, I don't know. I needed people to talk, I needed role models, and people to look up to. I haven't had much of that in my life. I was never close to older people around me, and I literally did everything myself. Much of my life, I suppose I felt alone in the respect that I didn't have people to look up to or follow. And treading on your own path can become really stressful and tiresome.

Although I know that my path is mine and mine alone, it is a comforting thought to know that people will be down for you, and got your back. And the control. I know it's right to give my control to God, but sometimes I want it so badly, I can't match those two points up. Whatever, I'm writing this too fast and without thought, but I think that maybe I don't have to only rely on myself. Maybe I can trust others and maybe I can make new friends. Maybe I need to make new friends, but more so, maybe I need to find the right friends. Ever since high school ended, that friendship has been more or less lost to me. That loyalty and communion. So I suppose, in that respect that's why I avoid school. One, because I don't like it, but also because I can't see the friendships as genuine as they should be.

If it's not genuine, it's not me. If it's not me, I can't do it.

Well, yeah. Umm, I honestly donno where I'm going with this shit, but fuck it I'mma be more positive, driven and disciplined. the fuck is i doin with my life till now man gotta stop being a bitch and feeling sorry for myself