how i am

how i am

How are you?
I'm fine.

Maybe I am fine at the time, but really, how am I? It's been a long time since I've been asked that question and I actually felt compelled to answer. Most of the time, it just felt unnecessary to answer. Why bother other people with my issues? I hate doing that. Like, what's the point if the other party understands? Do I care? More importantly, do you care? Does this solve anything? No, no, no, no, no. But you, deep inside, those are my personality defects talking. I'm sure I know better beneath all that thickened layer of shit, but no, I won't admit it, and I won't ask for help and I won't say what I actually want to say.

Anyhow, how am I?

Well, it's been kind of a rough internal road these days. There are just issues under issues under issues, all wrapped nicely with this pseudo smile that I sometimes let fall under emotional pressure. It's a mix between dealing with other people's stupid actions or my own stupid thoughts. It's a mix between trying to rationalize my inner self with the outside reality and trying to get other people to understand my heart. And it frustrates me to even get myself to speak of these things, because I don't feel comfortable with many people to be honest. I don't like people getting too close to me, because then they can see my flaws, which I try to hide (and do a pretty decent job hiding). I mean, once I get other that stump, I'm fine, but to get that to point is a challenge.

So I said there's two main points right? Well, for the first part: dealing with other people's stupidity. Well, fuck, why even care? To be honest, for the most part, I don't. I could give a fuck less, but you know, there are exceptions. "Look, THIS here is what you are doing wrong. FIX IT." People don't exactly work like that. "No that's not an issue, no I'm doing this, well you do this, but this, but that." This is the usual response. And sometimes it makes sense, but you know what, everything makes sense. According to the human mind, there are no rights and wrongs. There are only kinda wrongs, but okays, and well not really, but yeahs. So how do I deal with it? I don't fuckin know. If I had an answer to this, I guess it wouldn't be an issue now, would it?

My own stupid thoughts? Well, golly that's an understatement. Sometimes, my head puts things in a certain way, and I can't see things in any other light. No, I don't care to explain what those 'things' are, not here anyway. This is like that, that's why it's fucked up, but there's nothing I can do about it, so what do I do? I feel helpless when I can't do anything. Like an ant. I've been told growing up that we can do what we want when we put our mind to it. Well there's certain things you can't do.
1. You can't turn back the past. You can't change things that happened, and you can't go back and do things you would have done/
2. You can't make people smarter. You can't change people. People gotta learn for themselves to really change. And to get caught in the middle of that and feel the helplessness is truly torment.

So stupid decisions and stupid people at stupid times. I suppose that's one way to put it. I don't like not being able to change things. I don't like when people fall into peer pressure because they don't the courage to say no, and I the people initiating the peer pressure could burn in hell for a cool minute. I don't like stupid things, I don't like stupid thoughts and I sure as hell hate stupid decisions.

And I hate being helpless. I hate falling into my emotions and being stubborn.

Tell me my flaws, maybe then I'll learn. Yeah? Nobody really fuckin does, I gotta do this shit always by myself. And I guess that's just the way it's been, doing things by myself because I've learned that people are unreliable. PEOPLE ARE UNRELIABLE AND HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES TO LIVE. In addition, I don't want to listen to flawed people. I see the flaws above their own advice and I don't want to listen ESPECIALLY if the other people don't listen. And to be honest, who really listens these days? LIfe is like this, why are you doing this, why don't you brighten up, you're pretty stagnant these days, you shouldnt do that, you should do this, you should do this and that and this and that. NOBODY LISTENS?? Why even talk? That's right, I've stopped trying.

Sometimes I forget that I'm a learning human being too. I think other people do too. I'm always pointing out flaws and shit that I can't even see my own, and I'm so caught up in myself that I have these little cop out statements that I say: too much pride, be humble, too arrogant  not warm. But does that MEAN ANYTHING?? It means jack shit to me, because I already know it. I'm trying to figure out the roots of the problems. You can't root a plant by tugging at it's leaves. And I can only go so far in trying to figure out my flaws. In the heat of the situation I close myself off entirely. I don't like being reach after, even though I need it. No, I take that back, I like being reach after, but I don't ever go and ask for help. I don't want it, rather just die in my pit of self-loathing than to go humble myself to ask for help.

And you know what's funny? That's a flaw right? But I don't KNOW anything about it. I just know it exists. I don't know why this or why that, I just know that. Because my thoughts are flawed, and I recognize that, but what can I do about it when I can't think any other way? Not too sure, not too sure..

You know, sometimes I think that I really need someone to go and talk to when my insecurities rise. And truth be told it's true and I recognize it. But then again, people are unreliable. Talk is cheap. PEOPLE LIE, and PEOPLE OPINIONS ARE LIKE THE WIND. Because we say one thing and do another. The consequences are so far away, things just don't seem like they matter.

And career path??? CAREER PATH?? Don't even get me started because I know I sound like a broken record. Maybe I am a broken record. Self pity is disgusting.

Man, people just annoy me these days, and I just don't have the energy to do things about whatever things left in the dust when nothing really left but things that dont matter stringed nothing care to do but why i dont know the things just sometimes drown in myself and i drown and drown and drown and i want something but i dont want to admit it and i dont.

Under the assumption that you read all of the above, here it is: I just want to be understood, inside and out. Why and how, and however. And I'm sure there's more too it, but that's what I'm compelled to say.