love is

love is

Is love but a rosary of hours, lonely devotions being slowly counted until repeated and worn out till the beads no longer seek the light of day? Perhaps it is much more like a bird's life, gay in the morning, restless all day, tired at sundown. Or maybe it could be likened to cyclical reruns of played out emotions, binding those caught in it's grasp in a never-ending time loop of unfunny and mundane gaiety and then distraught. It could be much more biblical: patient, kind, and forever. Yet, outside the dominion of the divine, it seems to be one of the many thieves and rulers of the human heart.

Who is to say it even exists? In a Satrean teenage angst, I could say that love is non-existent, that what people have been portraying as love is nothing but a foray of electrical currents and hormones. The heart, as Galvani has shown, is nothing but a foray of biochemistry, signals of the electrical nervous system. Is that why people are caught in the current of that electrifying heart stopping gaze? Just joking, it's lust, there's nothing really desire than my desire to fuck. That's how some people have been treated, nothing much than a good fuck, where the thing that is called love is based upon hedonistic and unenlightened desires. Maybe shitty parents, bad life at home, terrible first love, I wouldn't know, that's your business.

Or is it because of the loneliness? Sometimes for people, where communication breaks down, loneliness takes hold. Full attention from just one person is more than enough to fill that cup of desire for attention and affirmation of one's esteem. For the weaker willed, love is a vain feeling, and most of the time a struggle to prolong irreconcilable differences. A childish attempt to keep afloat a sinking ship. "Don't go, we can make it work". Idiot. Crow. Don't kid yourself, that's an excrementitious relation.

However, feelings are almost impossible to put a pin upon because the human is always caught in a state of duality, a constant anxiety of dual existence: one that is fleeting, and one that is eternal and long lasting. The two opposite sides of the spectrum are a quick fuck from a ho and a marriage without divorce I suppose. If each person takes their position on this spectrum, the conflicting viewpoints on love and relationship would never work because full equality is difficult to maintain. Which is why they almost never do. When two people come upon this idea of affection for each other at different angles, problems occur.

See, the loser of a relationship, the loser of love is always the person that sits that the far right of the spectrum. The person that feels deeper emotions of anxiety for the other person, the person with the care that is deeply seated in selfless desires. The one who is more vulnerable by letting him or herself fall is the loser. The irresolute win. When a heart breaks, it never breaks even. This is because at the breaking point, the one on the right of the spectrum has much more at stake, and consequently much more to lose.

Isn't that a terrible compromise? How can the person who is more genuine in his or her emotions play a game such as love? It is not sensible. The slut wins over the nun, and the player over the priest. It's a really fragile balance of push and pull that the people involved have to maintain. The further each is from their spectrum, the higher the resulting tension, and usually the worse the consequences. It goes the other way too: the closer each is to each other on the spectrum, the greater the chance of a successful relationship. Sluts ride with sluts, and the holier with the holier. Assholes are assholes because they are further on the left side of the spectrum than the other side involved.

Doesn't that make this game liken to a gamble? You roll the dice, and if you and if the other person involved lie on the same inch of the spectrum as you, then eureka! But how often does that occur? And don't forget to throw in the other variables. Personality? Aesthetics? Proximity? The list goes on and on. Some people gamble and gamble to no avail. And each time a person gambles, a little chunk of the heart is put at stake. The little pieces are gambled and lost until at some point, there will be nothing left to gamble, and consequently nothing left to measure on the spectrum of reciprocation. Kill or be killed, these people are incapable of sustaining a long relationship.

This concept extends further than just the relationship. On a personal level, one of the reasons I have discovered for my reserved nature is based upon this very idea. I remain closed off to maintain invulnerability to being taken granted of/ignored, because I am afraid of the spectrum. That's usually why "I just don't give a fuck", because people don't understand the spectrum (forgive the blanket statement) and are insensible to the trust and reciprocating obligation. Sometimes I am reckless and mindless of the rules. Sometimes I am lucky, sometimes I am unlucky, all depending on the circumstances.  Whatever, sometimes I try to roll my dice more carefully. But forgive me for the digression, this post is not about me.

What do I mean by prating of love and such things? It's a godforsaken topic, not meant to be thought upon by the mortal.

We wine, and then we dine on corpses. We lie together, and eat each others flesh until everything burns into a crisp ash, and the smoke dissipates into the thin air. Be loved beloved, and watch the clockwork work its way as it does.

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Remember when we weren't strangers?