con mortuis in lingua mortua

con mortuis in lingua mortua

The first time I realized anything about sex was when I watched Titanic.  I honestly don't remember anything from that movie except that "draw me like one of your french girls" scene (until I saw it again).

Now that I watch it again, I find it awfully strange that a woman would spend her last dying days recalling a boy she met when she was seventeen for what, four days? When she has been married for more than half her life.

The next erotic moment in my life was "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". I do not remember anything from that movie, except some soft interpretations of a japanese AV.

I feel like that same naive little kid that only focuses on the parts that are new to him (not talking about sex anymore). I feel these new emotions, and I wonder what they are, so I toy with them and I extrapolate the deepest meaning I can from them. I stretch them to their most extravagant limits, to limits which I am afraid to encounter again. I felt like frozen silly putty, thrown on the ground, only to become that same silly putty again, such in a different, wiser state.

Am I actually learning something? One can only learn from experiences. Without anything to be firsthand encountered, one remains a dumbed idiot, a pretentious sophomore in the game of life.

Let me talk honestly now. I really like to pull the deepest emotional states out of me. Do I actually find joy in the experience? No. But I do it because I can, and I absolutely indulge myself in it. I don't need to find horrid deepshit situations to feel like I'm horrid or in deepshit. I can create these mindsets on my own, or they're just given to me.

And to be really honest, I have no idea how I feel, or what I should feel or why I do or if I should recuperate, or if I really even want to. It's a state of 'I don't fuckin know'. I'm not even really fine with that either, but what-fuckin-ever.

I'm just sayin. Now I don't even know I'm saying. Train of thought lost.

Just let the emotions come, and listen as close as you can to what they are saying, and you will hear something. If you ignore it, it will come back like a suppressed train wreck. This is how one grows.

A toast to success. *clink*